In fields of gold-
The fabled land of milk and honey,
Still is my body, my breath on hold,
The heady whiskey of fatigue my limbs obey,
Amidst the fragrant herbs, in lethargy, I lay.
The symphony of peace reigns supreme
Here
There is a certain tranquil:
In the cerulean, aerial ceiling, saturated
With splendid sunlight spilt over it
And ivory-bellied clouds, thick and creamy,
Akin embroidery upon my mind so drowsy yet so dreamy.
Far off in distance, mirth-filled vocals
Of mid-summer birds reach my sedate state.
Amongst the sun drenched, ripened wheat
Tall grass and myriads of wildflowers.
The tints and hues, all pastel, coalesce like ardent lovers.
My gaze is glazed, my life flow slow
A deep, clean slit across my throat
Is pulsing out the scarlet blood,
Abundant, unsubdued, enraged.
Cascading densely down my chest
And pooling gently 'round my heaving breast.
I'm yet alive, perchance undead, fraught with unrest,
Replete with unsung words.
Strong thoughts like ghosts
Vinous across my lips in pantomime
In vain, unfurling silent phantom rhyme.
Cushioned with rubied parsley, basil, thyme,
A writer sapped of universal lust for crime,
All spent, each primal dime,
To purchase tetherless exhales of inner fire.
Burnt out, within, from cadence hushed,
Unsheathed their pen and slashed
Through jugular in manic ire.
Then softly fell, to die unhurried,
Into the arms of druids, faes, Gods,
Cocooned in unsaid,
Inkless words.
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there
I would like to start by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Very poetic, descriptive, interesting. All the good things that you look for in a poem.
Other than its incredible imagery, I really enjoy the vocabulary you used.
But I'm having trouble seeing what this poem is about. Perhaps it's just beyond me or I'm over-looking it, but I'm not sure the point in it.
Honestly I don't see anything actually /wrong/ with it, so here is where I'll leave you.
Hey-o!
I really like the direction this is going. You have good flow and I felt lead through the poem by the length and syllabic proportion of the stanzas. I love that you end on a slow feel as the lines get shorter.
One major comment I have is that your couplets are scattered and disproportionate. Some stanzas have rhymed couplets at the beginning, some at the end. Some even have multiple couplets. Couplets in general can get kind of tiring and predictable and lead to cliches and awkward word order.
"Of mid-summer birds reach my sedate state.
Amongst the sun drenched, ripened wheat"
This was by far my favorite couplet (purposeful or not). I find that slant rhymes tend to be less predictable and have more to them. This line really drew me in because I find it sonically beautiful.
"The symphony of peace reigns supreme
Here
There is a certain tranquil:"
I also found this to be stunning and lyrical. There's a line break so the reader has to take a kind of mental breath before reading "here". This is refreshing and lovely. I found the shift in flow nice and exciting.
"...certain tranquil:
In the cerulean, aerial ceiling..."
I love this line as well, although "aerial ceiling" is fairly redundant. Certain, cerulean, and ceiling make a lovely alliteration. "Certain tranquil:/In the cerulean ceiling" would be more powerful.
Overall this was a nice read!
Happy Writing,
Rae