I'm nothing, I'm nothing, because now I'm dead.
Looking down at myself, looking into the past, i feel pain.
I am nobody that will never be extraordinary,
excepted, or unique.
I look down at myself,
Looking down to the ground knowing,
one day that is where I'll be.
No one will ever care and, no one will ever see the truth in me.
All the people i see, "you are so hilarious,"
so ignorant, so convincing, it makes me miserable to be human.
It is the ambiance of ignorance, that makes me miserable.
I hide my dreadful work of words under my bed, so you can't see.
It's ,because my death will reveal the truth in me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
Okay well I can tell you tried hard with this. It showed. But poetry is very hard work, so we have to be prepared to try several times at our work before it truly shines. I've just noticed a few things about this which could be improved.
1. Show (yawn) and don't tell. I yawned because I feel like I'm always saying it, but its true. It's a golden rule, especially in poetry when you've got so much too say in so little words. It means, and I have Brad's great talk on this to thank- that you need to describe more than you're originally doing, i.e. push your descriptions a little future, and secondly:
2.Use more poetic devices. I started a new one here because it's so wide a term. This means really show off your skills as a poet. Poet's have many tools. Imagery, for one thing. You didn't have enough imagery in this for me to visualise the speaker's feelings properly. Other things my included dramatic irony, personification, characterization, alliteration, I could go on.
3. Be careful about trying to earn sympathy. In literature, sympathy is won, not earned. Sad, but true. If you work exceedingly hard and try too much to make your speaker sad and depressed and get overly caught up in it, the truth is the reader will read it as whining and shut off. Care about your work and the characters in it, make it real, and people will look. Go over this piece with a red pen and pin-point every time you use a dark word or try to make people feel about the speaker. Then consider long and hard how if it does at all, it adds to the piece.
Hope this helps, best of luck,
Eimear