z

Young Writers Society



Smooth breathing...

by Dia-777


I wonder if there is a spec of sunlight in my eyes,
even on the gloomiest day of my life.
When the rain falls heavy to the ground, it
brings life to dirty seeds.
Their souls, blossoms into breath taking flowers.

I walk with my head held down,
Stomping over every step, i take.
I try to caught up with my mother,
whose steps are further from me.
When she opens the front door, I feel warmth.
Racing to my bedroom, I fall behind my TV.
I lye near the wires, where they can’t see me.
I slur unspoken words, unable to speak, from cries held in
by past times to deep.

When they notice, I’m not responding
they lifted me to save me.
Then, i hear their are tears, and loud noises,
when, everything turns blank.


I'm no longer bound to this world any more,
since, my soul has been set free.
I finally gasp, my eyes open to sunny hills, never seen before,
and clear skies, to new open doors.

Smooth breathing ……………

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25 Reviews

Points: 1140
Reviews: 25

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:07 pm
Speele wrote a review...



Best advice for this poem would have to be edit. Here's a few little mistakes that really interupted the flow for me.

In the first verse, I beleive that 'spec' should be speck, and 'breath' should be 'breathe'. But other than that the first verse was wonderful. Great imagery.

step, i take.

I try to caught up with my mother,


I don't think it needs that comma after step and capitalize I. All your 'I's, in fact. The next line should probably read either 'to get caught up with', or 'to catch up with'. Unless you did that for, I don't know, some artsy effect, but I really just didn't get it, if that's true.

I'm no longer bound to this world any more,


That's repetivite. Cut out anymore. It's unneeded and that is a good line without it.

I liked the title and loved the ending. Keep writing!




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95 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 95

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:57 pm
gamechanger10 wrote a review...



first, you need to review two other posts quick...you're supposed to do that before posting one of your own...if a mod catches you you'll have to review four....i'd suggest doing that right away...


now to the poem...um...it was okay...it could've been better as samsal pointed out...

you have a lot of spelling issues that take away from the actual poem.

go back and fix them and it'll be great!
keep writing!


-GC10




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24 Reviews

Points: 1991
Reviews: 24

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:39 pm
Samsal wrote a review...



this is new. good poem. lots of spelling errors though so i suggest that you go back and review your poem and see what could be done to make it better. everyone makes mistakes so check it over. it could be a great poem but sometimes the beauty of can be hidden by all the mistakes. so review and welcome to yws.





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