Thanks, everyone for this helpful stuffs.
Sharp memories,
Recollecting in my wondering mind,
A reflectance of my past,
And what I have been through.
Emotions sweep over me,
Wrapping around me like a firm blanket,
The guilt and pain all seems,
To have taken an impact.
Feelings so cold,
And piercing like a blade,
Hurting both, my interior,
And my exterior,
Like a startling presence.
________________________________________________________________
Now that I re-read it, I feel like it needs a loooott of work.
First piece of work!
xD
Hi! Welcome to YWS! I shall hopefully be helpful, maybe. I think.
Okay! First poetic lesson: when writing poetry, you must constantly ask yourself, "Why am I writing this?" and "What am I saying?" This is important to ask because, and let's face it, we like stuff to make sense. So therefore we must make sure that every line, (especially in poetry!) is somewhat meaningful. This stanza, which is arguably one of the most important stanzas in the whole poem because you have to catch the reader's attention, which can be a very difficult thing to do. So let's see how you handled the woes of the first stanza!
Sharp memories,
Recollecting in my wondering mind,
A reflectance of my past,
And what I have been through.
Its better than my first poem, I'll tell you that. You've chosen a very safe structure, which should be re-thought. It creates a flatness which takes away from the meaning behind the words, if you know what I mean. It doesn't inspire the reader like a poem should. Try breaking up some of the lines, adding in shorter ones, even lengthening some. If poetry is new to you, go and read some of the examples on this site or even famous poems, which will give you ideas of ways you can re-word and re-structure this. Many of your descriptions are very predictable. Mess around a bit, try out words you would never have thought of before. Even just trying out specific techniques such as personification or alliteration can really strengthen your ideas. But its certainly not a bad attempt, it shows promise!
Keep it up, I look forward to reading your work in future. x
Hey. I agree with the first reply. It's a really good poem except that it needs rhtym.A poem without it is just a couple of lines. This would be a much stronger poem with it,
I love the title. Grabbed my interest right away.
:Sythe:
i like the metaphors, but that's about all i see going for this poem. you're right...it could use some work :p
still, i like what it was about. maybe instead of just revising it, you could just write another one altogether?
food for thought.
Hey Welcome to YWS
Hmm, I'm not sure of the rhythm of this poem. It reads like poetry, but poetry needs a flowing, workable structure...whether that's a flowing rhythm or a simple rhyme.
There is a good use of words
Sharp memories
Like a startling presence.
Emotions sweep over me,
Wrapping around me like a firm blanket,
And piercing like a blade,
)
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