Published April 10, 2008
Sharp memories,
Recollecting in my wondering mind,
A reflectance of my past,
And what I have been through.
Emotions sweep over me,
Wrapping around me like a firm blanket,
The guilt and pain all seems,
To have taken an impact.
Feelings so cold,
And piercing like a blade,
Hurting both, my interior,
And my exterior,
Like a startling presence.
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Now that I re-read it, I feel like it needs a loooott of work.
First piece of work!
xD
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,337 Reviews
Thanks, everyone for this helpful stuffs.
Hi! Welcome to YWS! I shall hopefully be helpful, maybe. I think.
Okay! First poetic lesson: when writing poetry, you must constantly ask yourself, "Why am I writing this?" and "What am I saying?" This is important to ask because, and let's face it, we like stuff to make sense. So therefore we must make sure that every line, (especially in poetry!) is somewhat meaningful. This stanza, which is arguably one of the most important stanzas in the whole poem because you have to catch the reader's attention, which can be a very difficult thing to do. So let's see how you handled the woes of the first stanza!
Oh dear...
First off, I'm going to tell you what I got of this. In brief, what you're saying is you're remembering a strong experience. And that's it. I've effectively described the meaning of your first sentence in five words. Yet you describe it in eighteen words. That's nearly three times as much. This should hint to you that most likely you're being slightly wordy and you can cut things out.
Yet... let's look at it again. You're saying that you remember something important. Okay. So instead of telling us that you are remembering, a trivial fact at best, tell us what you're remembering, in pretty and descriptive language. Tell us the memory and make us fully aware of it. Get rid of the rest of the poem--it's not important, really. What is important is this memory that made you write this poem, that drove you to write this poem, and you need to get it out. By showing the memory, you'll make this piece more individualized and personal, which will help you out a lot in your poetry endeavors.
Happy writing!
Its better than my first poem, I'll tell you that. You've chosen a very safe structure, which should be re-thought. It creates a flatness which takes away from the meaning behind the words, if you know what I mean. It doesn't inspire the reader like a poem should. Try breaking up some of the lines, adding in shorter ones, even lengthening some. If poetry is new to you, go and read some of the examples on this site or even famous poems, which will give you ideas of ways you can re-word and re-structure this. Many of your descriptions are very predictable. Mess around a bit, try out words you would never have thought of before. Even just trying out specific techniques such as personification or alliteration can really strengthen your ideas. But its certainly not a bad attempt, it shows promise!
Keep it up, I look forward to reading your work in future. x
Hey. I agree with the first reply. It's a really good poem except that it needs rhtym.A poem without it is just a couple of lines. This would be a much stronger poem with it,
I love the title. Grabbed my interest right away.
:Sythe:
i like the metaphors, but that's about all i see going for this poem. you're right...it could use some work :p
still, i like what it was about. maybe instead of just revising it, you could just write another one altogether?
food for thought.
Hey Welcome to YWS
Hmm, I'm not sure of the rhythm of this poem. It reads like poetry, but poetry needs a flowing, workable structure...whether that's a flowing rhythm or a simple rhyme.
There is a good use of words
However, there's a few major cliches.
(I'm pretty sure I could find that in another poem somewhere out there)
(and that
The interior/exterior thing is good.
Good job and keep writing
Peace V