Crumpled Note

by DevisedScribblings
  • March 19, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • First poems
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Bloodshot eyes and a vacant stare
Line come line worse for wear
Fingers born for the guitar but hands fall too heavy on the strings
Notes crumple
A prayer more than a prophet
                                                                                   More desperate
The affairs
Stretching thin bite bullet
Feel rush the moment
Lacking
No sleep Sweat
 
Ease-Indulge
Wash down grow up milk
Swig, void snort
A good run yet the hurdle awaits
Clear, engage

The noise will be a voice
The crowd a call
Sing, Sing
Elation.
Comments & reviews · 1
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InTheTrees
Review
InTheTrees wrote a review · Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:18 am

Nice beginning, grabbed me right from the first line. This poem reminded me a lot of my friend who's in a band, and I found it very relatable. Just a few suggestions though.
The third line seems a little long and out of place, so maybe think about shorting it or breaking it up? Also, the "Ease-Indulge" thing doesn't feel like it fits the mood.
Other than that everything felt like it fell into place. I envy that you can use seemingly fragmented ideas and make it work like this, it's really beautiful. I'm excited to read some of your other work :)
Have a nice day!



You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender