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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Nice beginning, grabbed me right from the first line. This poem reminded me a lot of my friend who's in a band, and I found it very relatable. Just a few suggestions though.
The third line seems a little long and out of place, so maybe think about shorting it or breaking it up? Also, the "Ease-Indulge" thing doesn't feel like it fits the mood.
Other than that everything felt like it fell into place. I envy that you can use seemingly fragmented ideas and make it work like this, it's really beautiful. I'm excited to read some of your other work
Have a nice day!