Published August 20, 2011
one day the kids will say:
that old man bagged twenty kittens
driving non-stop from club to ho-
tells, an urban myth; they put him away for life,
out here where all the men are queer
____and chicks turn up daily for adopted animals,
____like cold fish anonymous shelters
to see Alcatraz: imagine,
an island like a severed breast;
you are a teenage boy with a boner,
but you can never touch
or look
away.
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141,608 Literary Works • 675,141 Reviews
This was kind of an interesting poem, though I do think it could be improved with minor tweaks here and there. In general, though, I found this really interesting and it made me think. Inkwell pointed out a few bits such as "ho-tell," and on most of those I do agree. Nonetheless, I didn't find anything "gimmicky" about this. To each his own, I suppose?
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
This poem is all over the place. It's interesting but only gets good in the last stanza.
The title itself prepares the reader for a forced poem. I get that "evol" is "love" backwards but the title seems like a gimmick to get people to click it. The fact that it worked on me doesn't validate it.
"hotel" is spelled with one "l" unless your attempting to add "tell" into a word already manipulated to read as "ho" which simply is a bit too much and falls in the category of gimmick. Yes, there are a lot of gays in San Fran but what is the point in randomly asserting that so plainly? Your underscores are off-color and those two stanzas are a derailment from whatever kind of subject you were trying to write about. Then comes a more cohesive stanza. One with a cohesive tone, subject, figurative language, imagery, and so on. That stanza shows promise.