Drowning

Hey DestielAndGamTAv, here for a Review Day review,

Positives:Simple, and the topic and flow to the end is very obvious and easy to follow.

You wonder, as you start to fade, is it worth reaching the surface?

This is Kaos here for a review!

So we see that this poem plays with what seems to be the universal "you" which has always been something that interests me in poetry as well as perspective when it comes to poetry. The usage of the universal "you" tends to be able to be gotten wrong easily, and that's how I felt about it in this poem. It starts to get repetitive in a bad way in that it feels like lazy writing and it gets stale easily by just using repetition with "You" starting each line of the piece.

Instead of doing this, I want you to think about why you're using this repetition. Are you using it to add emphasis onto that one line? Are you adding details on to what you've said before? Some other things to ask yourself when using repetition are, how often are you using it? At the beginning and end of the poem? Side-by-side? If you say that you like ice cream three times in a row rather than just once, we know that you really like ice cream. Think about how this affects the poem. Further on to tackling the poem now that we've addressed more about repetition, we see that this tackles drowning, and not much else.

Give us it in a new or stronger perspective, and since this doesn't really carry a theme throughout the poem. I would have appreciated more imagery in this poem because it would help immerse the reader as well as sensory details. They're exactly what they sound like: details of the senses. This poem feels like an experience more than anything else and I think that's something that you should focus more on with this poem. Talk about the light feeling so close but so far away and then that "you" feel like you are dissolving and everything of that sort. Make it vivid and make it powerful.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey there! clogs here to review! It's been a while since I've reviewed, so I apologize in advance if I'm rusty. That being said, I'll just jump right in:

Though this poem was rather short, I think that you've created a pretty good atmosphere of suffocation. It was particularly the third and fourth lines that did this for me. The images of a "liquid prison" and the "freedom of oxygen" were great, and almost gave the poem a sense of urgency. I think it would be interesting to see you expand on these ideas more, as other parts of the poem were lacking in effective imagery-- for instance, the first two lines. Telling me that I cannot breathe is all fine and well, but it doesn't quite instill the sense of suffocation as the next lines. So that's something to work on.

I notice this is written in second person, which is definitely an interesting choice. Telling the reader directly that they're drowning certainly gets the point across! I like it, except for one thing: Don't get to repetitive with your sentence starters. Every line of this poem starts with some variation of "You [verb]", and it gets boring to read after awhile. Switch it up! Maybe try starting a line with what the water is doing. So there's another thing to work on-- sentence structure.

Another note relating to this: ^^^ The phrase "you try" is used three times in this. I feel like there's a better way to describe the feeling of trying so hard but failing than just repeating "You try" so many times.

The ending felt a little weird to me? I do like how you ended it with a question, but I guess I just didn't understand why that question was relevant to the poem. Like, why would it not be worth reaching the surface?

Overall, I think this is a pretty solid premise, but it could use some polishing up. Keep up the good work, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Hi,
This poem is well, perfectly normal. It has a clear message and I got no much trouble understanding this. Well, I don't really like using second point of view which is using "you" instead of "I" or any other pronouns. Well, that's people's preference though. You don't create much problems here in this little poem, but this poem is lacking because of the sweetness' length. I don't say short poems aren't good, but this kind of poem for me needs more clarifications. More elaborations.

This poem is such that's full with emotions. Well, actually, for me, this poem is overload with emotions until they are wasted.

Clear enough, I'm trying to tell you that this poem should be longer like the previous reviewer commented. I've read many poems like this and each of them are special on their own, but what's special inside of your poem? Frankly, I can't find anything special in this poem. What makes this poem unique? What you can do for your readers to feel that this poem isn't just a random sketching that anyone can sketch? I believe everyone has something specials within them that rarely matched with others.

Well, sorry about my ranting.

Let go for the meats.

First off, the punctuation here are horrible. Forgive the bluntness, I am sensitive with punctuation. I don't think the weird punctuation here has any deep impact, so better stick with the proper grammar. It may look beautiful with handwriting, but not in this font.

Second, the imagery here is... I cannot find anything subtle. This poem is not using the many strong imagery. I believe the "show, not tell" is a perfect way to improve imagery no matter what you are writing. Like you first line:

You feel the water surrounding you, confining you,

Haiii!

This is cool! I'm new to this website, but I can tell it has a lot of talented authors! And you're one of them! I love poems or stories that has anything to do with death or dark stuff xD. Yusss... Your poem was amazing, but if only it was longer! I know that isn't a real suggestion to be making, but I want to know how that character ended up in the water in the first place. I like more death.. MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Squirtlepowiee