Hello! Happy Review Day!
I find it quite interesting that BOTH parents took off on them. You always hear about one parent taking off, but seldom two! And I don't know, I just found that intriguing. And all I could really think of is "they're secret AGENTS" or SOMETHING. But then I'd remind myself that no, they're probably just people that yes, in fact, flaked out on their family and didn't take responsibility for the children that they brought into this world- and then of course that made me kinda sad. :/ But at the same time, it's nice to see the three of them building their new family. c:
So there were a couple things I thought I'd mention though. The first thing I wanted to bring up is that when we first meet Obby, I feel like the interaction between him and his sister feels a bit on the stiff side. I think it's like that because the MC comes across as trying to be 'the COOL sister' and I don't know, I just feel like it didn't really work with the relationship between them very well? The dialogue just felt rather off and such. My suggestion is maybeee have the MC more prone to being more 'fun' around Obby... or something? I'm honestly not sure. Probably your best bet is trying to see how a seven year old might act around an older sibling- even if that's just noticing some people in public and eves dropping on them- that's a good start. Always, always eves drop and people watch; it really helps a writer get a better feeling of how people talk, how people act, and how people interact! c:
Obby’s shrill laughter and Uncle’s reprimanding him about something rings clearly through the walls.
There were times where I found it difficult to understand some sentences. The sentence above was one of those. There's three reasons I've found why this might be the case: 1). Wordiness. Sometimes (a LOT of times) as writers we tend to put wayyyy more words in a sentence than we actually need- this is something I am SO guilty of, personally. Usually the way to fix this is by rereading what you've written, and seeing if you can rewrite sentences to have less words and still say the same things- basically. 2). Commas! I think there were some places that were confusing because the reader wasn't sure where to pause due to lack of commas. But, I personally am NOT incredibly knowledgeable about commas and such, so rather than me trying to explain how to use them, I'd advise you to simply do some comma research! The internet is a lovely place full of TONS of wonderful information, so if I were you that's where I'd begin. Lastly: 3). Structure. Err, or something like that! Basically, sometimes the way we word things can sound confusing (this is yet another thing that I am rather known for sucking at XD ). For example, which do you find more confusing:
a. The cat loves to play with the dog's tail.
or...
b. To play with the dog's tail, loves the cat.
Now 'b' was a little extreme. BUT it's the same idea; sometimes the way we word things, can be confusing. There's probably some people taking linguistics in collage that would be able to explain EXACTLY why it's confusing to word things one way, and not the other. But anyways, my advice is to read your work out loud- often times when we read our work out loud, you can hear when it sounds a little off. Especially if you're finding you're tripping over what you're saying- then that's usually a sign that that sentence needs to be rewritten. And interestingly enough, that advice will work in catching pretty much all three of the things I mentioned: it'll help you know when there should be pauses (usually when you naturally pause to take a breath is where the comma should be basically), it will help with wordiness (usually wordiness makes a person stumble over words and just get tired of reading), and it'll help identify possibly awkward wording! C:
Well, right before dinner because I got sent out before it started.
I kinda felt like that fact was overstated a little. I think it would have been fine to simply say: Well, right before dinner. because we already know the last part, and so it doesn't really help the sentence any.
Our parents don’t know what they’re missing, seeing him grow up from a booger to a decent kid.
I have to say, I love this. XD What a brilliant way to phrase that! I have a feeling that that's something my big sister would say (five years between us). So I feel like that's VERY accurate AS WELL AS a wonderful way of showing us a little glimpse into the MC's character!
Anyway, I hope that helps! Keep it up!
-Holysocks
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