John was at his desk typing on his computer. He stopped briefly and looked around his office. It was a bright sunny day. There was not a cloud in sight. Lots of light was flooding in through the floor to ceiling windows. He was working in a high rise building, and he was on the 67th floor.
Mark was running around. Why was this happening? Why him? What had he done to deserve this?
He was screaming. His face was as white as chalk. The people around him were also screeching. There was no peace.
John looked outside. A large bird was flying through the sky in the distance. It was pure white. A dove perhaps?
Mark was looking through the small window. He could see a brilliant jewel in front. He swallowed hard.
John had stopped typing. The bird was hurtling towards him. It wasn't a dove. It looked more like a carnivorous hawk.
Mark saw the jewel. It was much closer now. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do. He sat in his seat, resigned.
John was standing. The colour had drained from his face. Could it be? Was this really happening?
The bird's beak collided with the jewel. The wings sliced through the jewel, smashing it into fragments. A grey cloud ascended into the sky where it blocked out the sun.
John was on the floor. He was coughing, spluttering. The hawk was above him. The jewel was collapsing around him.
Mark was in his seat. He was still. He hadn't felt the hawk collide with the jewel. He hadn't seen the cloud that was blocking the sky. He hadn't heard the silence of the others around him.
John felt like he was standing in a volcano. He dragged himself onto his feet. How would he get out?
He half ran towards the door. He would run down the stairs. He touched the door handle and almost flew backwards. It was hotter than molten rock.
With urgency he ran in the other direction. He opened one of the windows. He looked down. He almost wanted to vomit.
He saw others, like him, spiralling in the air. With their white cotton shirts, they looked like snow falling towards the ground. Would he be next?
He had no choice. The temperature was rising. The jewel was collapsing around him.
He jumped.
John spiralled through the air. He thought of his dear wife and his beautiful daughter. Could they see him now? Would he ever see them again?
The jewel collapsed. The hawk had finished it off.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey there, comrie here to review!
This was a very interesting story. I will sound off on the other reviewers' comments about providing more descriptions on just where the characters are. I know where John is, and from what he's doing, I start to assume that he's working at his job. Then you introduce Mark, some guy who's running around. I don't know who Mark is--the boss? Co-worker? Etc. I think saying, "John's co-worker, Mark, was running around" would be good.
I think what makes this story just a bit confusing for me is that it is told in two POVs. Like one line its John, then Mark, then John. It was just very jarring switching from POV to POV.
Your writing style is good. Pretty solid throughout. You did a very good job with letting us feel the things the characters are feeling. Things like panic, worry, etc. I love it when writers make me feel their character's feelings. Makes the reading experience so much better.
One specific nitpick from me:
You've misspelled "spiraling/spiralled." Just one "l."
There's nothing else I feel I could add. The others found a few that I think you should look over.
All in all, this was a good story. Solid writing. I love how you ended it. Very nice. If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep writing!
-comrie
Hello there, Dess, racket here to review your short.
Dang. This is really, really good. It took me way, way too long to figure out this was about 9/11. Mark is on the plane... John is in one of the towers. Goodness sakes.
Okay...
Well, I really like how you take the perspective of someone in the plane and someone in the building. That was very interesting, though I would suggest that you keep together the paragraphs that were from the same point of view. That wasn't very clear... I mean, don't put a space between paragraphs if they're right nest to each other and from the same point of view. Since you wrote it this way, the reader has to think each paragraph, has to ask themselves which person this paragraph is coming from. For example, I would take out the space between paragraphs two and three, as they're both from Mark's point of view. There's also those four paragraphs near the end about John. Don't make them one paragraph, just don't separate them.
I think if you wrote something like 'He could see a building, bright as a jewel' here, the metaphor could stay the same in the rest of this short. I really do like the metaphor, how the jewel breaks, the people falling, the heat. It's very descriptive and beautiful, even as it's terrifying.
The first paragraph is just a bit confusing, as it says he 'looked around his office' and then describes the 'bright sunny day'. It sounds almost as if the office were outside, or at least all windows. Also in that paragraph, 'the floor to ceiling' needs some hyphens between 'floor' and 'to', and 'to' and 'ceiling'. It doesn't flow very well without them, for some reason.
Do you see how choppy this is? I think it does work, mostly, in context. He's freaked out! The people are running! It's confusing!! Aaaaahhh!!!
But, still, I do think it could be a bit smoother. Maybe combining those two first sentences? 'He was screaming, his face as white as chalk.' Sorry, but I think that may work just a bit better.
I love how you separate the 'He jumped' from the rest of the story. Very dramatic. Awesome.
When Mark was in his seat not feeling the bird hit, is he dying? Is he paralyzed? Thinking? Already dead?
I love the bit of John thinking about his wife and daughter. It's perfect.
Okay, so great job!!! I love this, it's very well done, dramatic, and heart-wrenching, at least if you're American. When I did finally get what this was about (it took awhile, I'm slow), I froze. That is exactly the response you want. Good job! Keep writing! I look forward to reading your other works in the future!
~racket
Hello racket! Thank you very much for the in-depth review of my story. I agree with everything that you wrote, such as making the metaphor of the jewel a bit more clear. Also, when the 'hawk' hit the building, the silence that followed from Mark and the others was meant to show that they had died- but I should have made that clearer as well.
I'm so happy that you enjoyed reading my story. I can't believe it made you froze! I had the chills just writing it. Thanks again
Your welcome! Thank you so much for writing! Please write more.
~racket
Hello, Dess! How are you?
I admit, I actually did enjoy reading this. It was interesting and definitely kept me on my toes.
One thing you did well is that you had given us the character's surroundings early on, which sets us up for the rest of the story. You told us that John is in an office building, and that he has floor to ceiling windows; which all seem like important factors early on. It kind of gives me a sense of foreshadowing, which is a good tool in any story.
However, might I suggest, maybe he could look through the floor to ceiling windows to see that there isn't in fact a cloud in sight, informing us that we can see the sun and such. What that would do is add some interaction between the character and his surroundings, as well as show rather than tell. The way you wrote it is just fine, but this is just another clear way to write it.
You did add imagery, as I just got done explaining, and rather well!
You had also given us questions in the beginning, giving us a reason to continue reading. Although not many are answered. I admit, I was rather confused the whole time. For instance, why is it hot? The sun, or is the building on fire? Also, what is so important about the jewel? What about Mark, what is so important about him? What does he do?
There aren't any spelling errors as far as I can tell, so good job!
I think it was pretty good, vague and quick, but I believe it could go somewhere with some tweaks. Not that I don't think it couldn't now, mind you.
Keep writing, I'd love to see what you come up with next!
Hi WrittenEdge! First of all, thank you for the positive comments. I'm glad that my first short story attempt wasn't too terrible!
After reading your constructive criticism (which I really appreciate) I reread the story, and I totally see your point. I should have made it more clear that the jewel represents the building and that the heat comes from the 'hawk' colliding with the building. I was trying to 'show not tell' but didn't 'tell' enough!
I'll think about this the next time I write another story. Thanks again for your comments and I'm glad you enjoyed reading this story.
Hi!
I like what you have here. It is well-written and brief.
I have found one nitpick, though:
1. "He could see a brilliant jewel in front". I would suggest that you add the phrase "of him" at the end. I think that the sentence will run smoother.
Other than that, I think you did an excellent job. Good luck and keep writing!!!!
Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would be more than happy to answer.
Hey there @fantasydragon01
thank you for the comment! I agree about your suggestion for the sentence change, it would make the story a little clearer. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and thanks a lot for the follow!
You're very welcome.