Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Caltrops and
corpses littered the deck. Steel clashed and gunfire rang in the air. Gat looked
onwards, clicking her Initium rings together, her long, white hair tumbling
down her back. She sighed as the barbaric crew stumbled to defend themselves
against the brash intruders. Still, she couldn’t help but smile as bodies
continued to drop, accompanied by screams and the booms of cannons.
Her train of thought was disrupted by the dull thud of boot heels and the whisper of moving cloth. Gat fingered her blunderbuss before grasping its handle. Friend or foe? It didn’t matter to her. She inhaled, spun and squeezed the trigger. The shotgun once again lived up to its affectionate nickname ‘Oblivion’. It hissed smoke, launching fire and lead into the chest of the pirate. The shot sent him flying amidst a shower of his own blood and bone. Oblivion gave a horrific kick against Gat’s palm which rattled up her forearm. She was thankful for her training, meaning she could shoot the beast without dropping it – or breaking a wrist.
She smirked as she blew the smoke from Oblivion’s barrel. However, it appeared her peril had not ceased, as something else caught her eye. Another thug? She harnessed Oblivion on her back, pulled a pepperbox pistol from her belt and edged toward the doorway. Gritting her teeth, she stepped out and shot where she predicted the figure would be. The bullet found its mark, as she emptied the rest of the clip to keep it company. The man had just enough time to drop his gun as Gat’s bullets rained into his chest. He sunk to the floor gurgling and spluttering. Her eyes were blank as she observed the dying man. She snorted and spat her cigarette at him.
Turning back to the carnage unfolding on the ship’s deck, she began reloading Oblivion. The soon-to-be corpse gurgled, blood welling up at his lips as he grasped at Gat’s boot. She contemplated kicking him while she relit a cigarette. The recent events had left her feeling lethargic so she resorted to stomping on his wrist instead. This to her was far more satisfying anyway. The sound of crunching bone was almost therapeutic.
The crack of splintering wood sounded as the ship reeled to Starboard, throwing Gat to the deck. “We’s hit, Cappin!’” yowled one of the Mercenaries as half the crew went flying into the railing. The hull moaned in unison with Gat, as she stood up and massaged her ass. ‘Not my ship, not my problem’ Gat thought. She would assess the extent of the damage and if it would be better for her to transfer.
She darted to the cabin, allowing Oblivion to blast another adversary off the side. Descending the stairs revealed a dramatic rise in temperature. Once she hopped off the last step, she found herself staring out of a gaping hole in the hull. Woodchips floated in the sea, as waves sloshed against the side. She stepped back. The ship was done, there was no question about that.
She looked through the cavity at the ship which had wrecked the havoc. A crude Slaughterdog had been etched into its side. She wouldn’t mind owning that ship, it was so her – after she’d renamed it and changed the jolly roger of course. She ran to the ship’s aft where the rowboats were kept. Peering down the thoroughfare to make sure no one noticed, she released one. She jumped into it and pulled at the oars.
Gat felt her excitement build up as she drifted toward the offending ship. This was it, her prize. Gat never cared about the minerals on the Mercenary ship, she had her own agenda. Looking toward the railing outlining the upper deck she saw no patrol – not that it surprised her. Gat moved the boat closer and grabbed onto the hull, smiling. Now came the difficult part.
Leaning down, she pulled what looked like a toothed shiv from a garter on her thigh. She ran a finger down its fine, Initium blade, admiring its beauty. Pushing it against the hull of the ship, she sawed. She worked the blade with focused precision and guided it in a crude circle. Finally, the hull gave way as the blade completed its rotation. Gat pulled back her leg and gave an almighty kick, sending broken wood flying inside. She dropped the blade, wiped her forehead and slid through the hole.
A quick look presented a lavish cabin with a four-poster bed and expensive furniture. Not interested in inspecting the room though, she headed for the door, ready for trouble. The hallway was empty. She smiled with glee and tore for the stairs, keeping an eye out for any guards or sailors. She needed to get to the captain’s quarters as soon as possible. As she turned to ascend the final flight of stairs, a swift blow connected with her temple. She reeled and her vision swam in and out of focus. She felt herself falling backward and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. A hulking figure towered in front of her, his golden smile glowing in the dim lights. She mustered all her strength to stay conscious and pushed herself up with a shaky arm.
“Ahh, I see you are a fighter, little lady, I am impressed!” said the figure in a thick accent.
Gat growled as she locked her rings into knuckledusters. She swung and hit the man in his stomach, but it was like punching a sack of potatoes. She punched twice, three times but to no avail. All of a sudden she felt a pounding in the side of her face and found herself on the ground once again.
“You bastard!” Gat yelled in humiliation, fighting to regain vision.
Rage and hatred welled up inside her.
‘I’m gonna kill this son of a bitch,’ she thought, as she pulled herself up.
She scanned the room for the behemoth and found him to her right. She ducked as he swung for her and opted to kick the inside of his knee. She heard him yell in pain as his left leg buckled. She stood up and slammed a left hook into his temple but it seemed to just bounce off. The man’s hands latched on to her neck and her feet flew off the floor. She grabbed onto the man’s forearms to try and gain some room to breathe but his grip was far too tight. She tried to kick but her legs were too short. Gat felt blackness enveloping her vision, pounding in her ears and bile rising in her throat. She felt sleepy.
So…
…sleepy...
She began to watch her life drift by in a dream: Her first fight, shooting practice, sailing in the afternoon sun. Then, her father being murdered by an attack from rival pirates who threw Gat into the water. The water was ice cold, she didn’t want to die.
Not now, not here.
‘Not now, not here,’ she repeated in her mind, or so she thought.
“What are you saying?” asked the man. “You waste your breath.”
Gat’s eyes fluttered open, her face felt like it was going to explode. She gasped and squeaked in some air, it wasn’t much but it was enough. Focusing all her strength into her left arm, she sent it flying into where she thought the man’s elbow would be. The crunch of bone signified her success as she felt herself falling. The man howled in pain and clutched at his limp arm. Meanwhile, Gat landed on her back in an awkward position, though was still able to grab her pistols. The deprivation of air rendered her movements sluggish though and within seconds the man was back.
He picked her up and threw her against the wall, the guns flying out of her hands. Tears welled up in her eyes. Angry tears. She saw the shadow approach her to finish her off. It was time. She inhaled and grasped Oblivion. As he bent down to grab her, his face caught fire, smoke and lead balls. His corpse lurched into an upright position, so Gat kicked the body to stop it falling on top of her. She had just enough energy to vomit before she blacked out.
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello there! I read "pirate" and I was immediately interested so here it goes.
I love it. Now, I'm super interested in Gat yet. Sympathy is great to use when wanting your reader to relate to your character and it seems you're getting there with the "watching my father die."
I am going to say that at one moment she's blowing the barrel of her gun and the next she's spitting her cigarette at someone. Where was the cigarette earlier? One moment she's knocked to the floor by some mountain of a man and the next moment she swings back. When did she get up? Did she leap up or did she stagger?
An other thing, smell. Use your sense of smell like it's the only thing you've got. Gun powder, scorched bodies, salty sea. Go wild so I know where you are and what smells attract Gat's attention more than others.
That is all. Keep writing and I really enjoyed it. You did a great job!
Hey thanks for the review!
There are some continuity issues due to the amount of times I have edited the story. Originally she had gum but I changed it to a cigarette as it is more appropriate for the story. I will work to mention the cigarette earlier.
I do mention that she she pushes herself up, do you think it should be more explicit?
And smell. Wow. I totally forgot about that haha. Rereading the story it's like Gat doesn't have a nose. Thanks for opening my eyes, I will definitely add in some scents to make the world a bit more interesting!
Thanks again!
Oh I see the part where she pushed herself up. I must've just skimmed right over it. That was probably my bad.
Glad I could help!
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’m going to start off with some fairly generic feedback, and then I’ll move onto the story itself.
My biggest issue with this is actually the formatting, your paragraphs in particular. Your entire chapter is composed of just a few very large chunks of text which make it really quite difficult for the reader to understand – which is a shame, as I really enjoyed the story. As I’ve said before on reviews of other people’s works, it’s generally a good idea to have no more than four or five sentences in a paragraph (for me personally, where a paragraph is more than about a hundred words long then that’s generally a good time to start a new paragraph)
Your first paragraph didn’t really grip me, mainly due to its length. Just a few sentences in a paragraph on their own generally make the most compelling opening. Furthermore, you had an excellent action scene, but its impact was lost due to the dizzying volume of words. Short paragraphs are often best, especially when you’re writing action scenes as it has more dramatic effect on your reader.
A few other general pointers:
I personally wouldn’t put a thought in speech marks because it isn’t speech. I don’t think what you’ve done is actually incorrect, but it’s more usual to italicise thoughts. For example:
One more thing – the comma splices:
Now, where you have two unrelated clauses, you don’t join them with a comma. Here is a really helpful article which might be able to help you out.
That’s enough on the general style, since I’m sure you’ll also be wanting some feedback on the story:
I love strong female characters like Gat, and I’d love to read more about her. However, I don’t really feel like I know much about her from this chapter, although I’m sure we’ll find out more in later chapters. Who is she? What’s her backstory? What’s she doing on the ship? Is she a good person or a bad person? (She seems to me a little twisted and oddly calm in the heat of battle, which is great. Flawed characters always make for the most interesting reads!)
Starting a novel with an action sequence is always a great way to capture your reader’s attention, and I love the cliffhanger at the end which makes me want to keep reading on. Congratulations on uploading your first work to YWS, and I hope this review has helped somewhat. Feel free to let me know if you post more and I’ll try and read and review it for you. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review, here is my response (note that I am not trying to defend myself. I'm taking your advice very seriously, this is just for clarity and discussion)
I experimented in breaking up the paragraphs, I hope this is what you meant and makes the story a little easier to engage with. I would hate the story to be ruined by simple formatting D:.
The italics point was interesting, but due to the multi-cultural influence in my story I have a lot of foreign words which require italics to differentiate them (i.e. it's a strange word not a typo, kind of thing). So it would potentially clash or ruin the effect in my mind, but I'm sure you could persuade me.
Final point: I originally didn't intend this to be a novel but instead a transcription of an assignment that I'm doing for university. Thus this is more like a climactic scene than chapter one, which explains the lack of details and the mass action. I have been considering a prologue but I am very on-the-fence about it at the moment. She is fleshed out in chapter 2, so maybe once the rest is revealed it may redeem these current faults.
phew that was almost as long as your review xD. Thanks again, I look forward to discussing this further.
It's really good and vivid! I know this isn't a review but it had amazing wording!!!
anyways awesome story!