Published July 30, 2011
You think that you are in control of my life,
That you have me, dangling at your dirty fingertips
And that I am some marionette puppet you can control.
You are however, tremendously mistaken.
You lured me into your twisted and evil world
And I followed you without allowing myself the opportunity to think about what I was doing.
As you watched me fall into your deceiving trap, your eyes lit,
And your smile broadened as I fell deeper and deeper into your pit of darkness.
But there is one that is greater than you will ever be.
The one who promised never to leave nor forsake me.
Someone that continued to hold out his hand in an offering of help,
Even when I deviated from the promise that I made to Him.
You see, you will never have me.
For I have someone that I love with all my heart
And although I have strayed from Him,
My heart will always belong to the one who loved me first.
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139,314 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Hey Desire,
You've got an okay start here, with your story and theme, but I think it could be improved on a bit more. For one, the language you use feels a bit heavy and/or unnecessarily long on reading; "tremendously mistaken" and "without allowing me the opportunity" are the most glaring example of this, because while they conveys your meaning very well they're 1. a mouthful and 2. could be written in ways that would make the poem flow more smoothly.
Second, I think you could've been a bit more creative WRT imagery and vocabulary: "twisted and evil world", "deceiving trap" (hello redundancy), "pit of darkness"... all of these are overused and offer little to no real insight on the situation. How is that world twisted and evil? What's the trap? How dark is the pit? If you want people to pay attention, give them something more meaty than trite formulae.
That goes for the story itself, really. Sure, it may be mostly metaphorical, but still, how did the narrator stray, exactly? What does that falling "deeper and deeper" in the pit entails? Give me a reason to pay attention.
thanx for the reviews guys, im going to fix the typo
This is beautiful! I loved, loved, loved it! I especially loved the twist at the end (well for me it was a twist) how you incorporated God. It was amazing! There was only one mistake however:
I suspect it was just a typo, but I was wondering what the random 'my' was doing in there! Other than that, great job! Keep writing! BRAVO
Hmm, I imagine that this is a poem about being lead away by "Satan" or "temptation"..More so "Satan" than temptation and how you came to realise that "God" is the only true power and that God can help pull you out of whatever you're suffering from.
I did see one mistake though..and it's in bold below
You did not need to put "my" infront of Him because it doesn't sound right.
Wow, the imagery in your poem, the first thing I noticed, is simply amazing. Your poem should seriously be featured. My favorite part just has to be this:
This part is probably what really draws a reader in!! Good job on your poem and keep writing!!