z

Young Writers Society


12+

Suspect 009, Chapter 5

by Desdemona


Kasimir sank into a restless, but thankfully, dreamless sleep once more. Huzzah, 21st century sleep drugs.

When he woke up, and remembered where he was and what had happened, Kasimir sighed wearily as he took his face in his hands, - the links on his arms had been removed while he was asleep- stretching it out as if it were clay, as if he wished he could just mold himself into a new person, one without so many insane problems.

He lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. Where could the suspect be now? What was she trying to do with so many kills, anyways? He made a mental note to ask for a criminal report from his bureau the next time he saw a nurse; surely they wouldn’t hold him back from working?

He tried to collect his thoughts, to focus on this criminal. Everything had happened so fast, like a blur. How had a little thing, a little Polish thing, of all things best him like that? Maybe it was because he’d underestimated her, probably. He sighed as his thoughts returned to the lieutenant he’d encountered on his first day in the army.

Kasimir, the fresh high school graduate, had been the bookish, lanky kid he’d been through his high school years, wearing those grandpa style square glasses, and a vintage Doctor Who shirt, of all possible outfit choices. In order to avoid being mocked by the tougher cadets who’d already started training until he could make himself look less like a huge nerd, he decided to stay out of the training field for now and talk to some of his seniors in the cafeteria instead, hoping some would like him a little.

His eyes fell on a war worn man, who looked about 40, with scars over his face and a scraggly mane of a beard. He went up to him and asked if he could sit down. The man nodded.

Not discouraged by his silence, Kasimir asked him his name, and where he’d been deployed through all his years.

To his surprise, the man laughed.

“My name is not important. I’m not a war hero like you thought I was. I just came back from my first deployment in Afghanistan. I thought it would be easy, and that I could take it just fine.” He paused to show him a large, golden badge on his chest, which had been hidden under his collar even though it was the largest and most probably the most important of the rest of his badges.

“I graduated the army school at the top of my class. Everyone told me I was destined to do great things, that I could even end up as the chief of staff. I believed them, I was a fool. How could I have done that when I forgot the very first thing they taught me when I joined? I forgot to never underestimate the enemy, son. Look at me now. I’m a veteran at age 35, lost a leg in my first fight. Son, you mustn’t do what I’ve done. Learn a lesson from my fate, don’t underestimate your enemy at all costs.”

Kasimir had vowed to never forget what the man said. But after 10 years, just like the lieutenant, he’d forgotten.

Kasimir renewed his vow to never underestimate the enemy as he kept staring at the ceiling.

He then pressed the button for the nurse again, and asked her, with the calmest, steadiest voice he could muster, if he could request some files from his bureau regarding the recent issue of suspect 009. He was pleased when the nurse responded in the affirmative, and that she’d send for them right that moment.

While he waited, Kasimir stood up and walked across the room to pick up the television remote. He flopped back on the bed and turned to a news channel, it would not do to isolate himself while he was cooped up here. The report was on some sort of new amusement park being built in Frankfurt, good. If there was a report on amusement parks so early in the evening, it meant that nothing much had happened in his absence from the streets. The worst news were usually given the earliest. Kasimir peered at the date displayed on an LED shop window behind the announcer, it had been three days since he’d arrived at the hospital; it was now the sixth of December, and the number of Christmas decorations on the shops had doubled. He scowled. After spending a few more minutes listening to the presenter drone on and on about amusement parks and pet Russian dolphins, he flipped through the channels, looking for something to occupy himself with.

He decided on one of those mystery-police shows, and spent the next half an hour yelling clues and answers at the television- he’d found the serial killer before those flimsy, stupid cops even realized there was no corroboration in his evidence. God. He reminded himself that this was only a television show, and that these actors were only here because they didn’t have the brain to actually be a part of a federal investigation bureau and calmed down. He calmed down further when the police shot the criminal just before he raped another girl, rape, in his mind, was a more serious offense than murder.

The nurse came back inside, accompanied by a police officer holding a large carton box of files with notebooks and pens stacked on top who told him that anything else he needed would be supplied to him.

Kasimir sat down on the bed and put out the files on the end table near the bed, and opened the topmost one. In it were blurred snapshots of the same girl, the little red haired rat. She seemed to be wearing a distortion device on her shirts as her face appeared to be deliberately blurred out. There were also alleged shots of her, gathered from the traffic cameras around the crime scenes shortly after a murder, in all sorts of vehicles, cars, motorcycles, vans, without license plates. If she could find that many vehicles of all sorts, she must be working with a car dealer of sorts, stealing that many without being caught would be impossible. He noted that down.

There wasn’t anything he didn’t know in the papers, just summaries of the crimes and details of the victims. He paid close attention to the victims, hoping to find a correlation, a pattern, a link between them.

After hours of searching, with numerous notes and scraps of paper tossed around the garbage can and around the bed, Kasimir gave up. There was no correlation at all... Nothing. Ten murder cases, each with absolutely random victims and absolutely random deaths. Did these people just… Just have no motive? Why were they doing this? What was their gain from all of this? No, it couldn’t be, there was a bigger picture, something he was overlooking, and he was going to find it.

He was weary and tired, yes, that was it. He was going to sleep and try again with a fresh mind.

He arranged his files and books neatly on his bedside table and took a look at the news channel, which was showing that one history show he hated, which was talking about ancient coding methods used by soldiers at war. Whatever.

He closed his eyes, only to open them again in a few minutes.

He’d found it. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sun May 29, 2016 11:14 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo!

Specifics

1.

If there was a report on amusement parks so early in the evening, it meant that nothing had happened in his absence from the streets as the worst news were given at the start of the evening news reports.
This is a little awkwardly phrased. Maybe try instead '...as the worst of the news was aired in the early evening'.

2.
Kasimir peered at the date displayed on an LED shop window behind the announcer, it had been three days since e he’d arrived at the hospital; it was now the sixth of December, and the number of Christmas decorations on the shops had doubled.


3. I'm a bit unsure about the nurse bringing him the files as those kind of things are crazy top secret and a nurse wouldn't be entrusted with them. If he has a partner, they could come in to drop them off, but those files shouldn't come from anyone outside of law department. I did work experience at a magistrate's court and they were really good at checking your bags and stuff to make sure you didn't take anything out of there which you shouldn't.

4. After an ellipsis - that's the three dots - the next word should still start with a lower case letter. They work like a comma in that respect.

Overall

I like the character you've built here, especially when he's yelling at the TV - I thought that was really funny. However, I'm not sure on some of the realism and I don't think the flashback about the veteran who told him to never underestimate an enemy was a good use of words.I feel like it wasn't significant enough to justify breaking the reader's focus on the present and it felt very telling rather then showing. I think you can show us how much he regrets underestimating her just by having him double his work load.

You've got some good descriptions going on and for the most part this flows very smoothly so I think once you've got the finer details ironed out, it will be a really solid chapter.

All the best with this!

~Heather




User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Fri Apr 29, 2016 9:43 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hi Desdemona, it’s steampowered here with a review as I said I’d do two weeks ago. Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but life got in the way of reviewing and I kind of just left this message sitting in my inbox. So sorry about that!

This might just be me getting confused, but I don’t remember dropping any reviews on previous chapters of this, and I’m not entirely sure I read them either. I’ll be reviewing this as a standalone chapter, if that’s all right. :D

Generally speaking, I thought this was a good chapter. It has a nice balance of inner thought, flashbacks and of course a good climax which makes the reader want to continue. However, I do have one or two small points for improvement:

Firstly, your flashback initially confused me, as for some reason I thought the scarred soldier was in the hospital with Kasimir. I realised the mistake pretty quickly, as my mind had simply skipped a sentence or two, but the sudden transition to present tense from past tense made the flashback a little awkward. I’d advise either italicising everything and using present tense, or, since a lot of the flashback is dialogue, you can probably get away with using past tense for the whole thing. Just my two cents. :)

On the positive side, I really liked your description of Kasimir and the little details like the Doctor Who T-shirt. The thing which confused me slightly was why he didn’t start training with the other cadets at the same time – the army’s pretty strict after all. I might be wrong, but I’d have thought the army would train new recruits in batches, effectively forcing him to start at the same time as everyone else and stopping him from skipping out on starting training just because he felt like it.

Onto a small nitpicking issue, I’d really advise writing your numbers not as numerals, but as words. For example, 40 would become “forty”. It’d simultaneously improve the flow of your writing and make it look more literary. Unless it’s a year you’re writing, obviously. :)

He reminded himself that this was only a television show, and that these actors were only here because they didn’t have the brain to actually be a part of a federal investigation bureau and calmed down.


In some places, such as here, your syntax makes the sentence hard to read. I’d personally read some of your longer sentences out loud, and if the flow isn’t good, then re-phrase it. I’d recommend changing this particular sentence to:

He reminded himself that this was only a television show, and that these actors were only here because they didn’t have the brain to actually be a part of a federal investigation bureau. This calmed him down.


or something like it.

Anyway, I hope this review helped in some way! I’ll try and review the other chapters at some point when I have some time. :D

-steam-





It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien