Kasimir looked around and surveyed all the doors on the ground floor. His Glock raised, he ran downstairs into the dark basement area, thinking that any killer would easily find refuge in a dark and damp apartment flat. It took a killer to think like another. He walked down the stairs silently; the only sound that could be heard was the soft clicking of his heels. He made a mental note not to wear dress shoes to a job ever again. Seriously, why the hell was he dressed in a business suit?! He sighed, frustrated with himself, and finally got down the stairs and looked around the desolated floor.
It looked like a perfect scene for murder… Moss grew wherever the faded green wallpaper was peeled, the creamy white floor tiles were cracked and some were even missing… Flies and various other insects collected and buzzed loudly around the few working light bulbs, and many of them dropped dead every second. There was foul graffiti all over the place and the stench of stale urine filled Kasimir’s nose, almost bringing tears to his eyes…
Wiping his eyes, Kasimir sped up, trying to ignore the foul stench and the sickening buzzes of the insects, in fact, he was trying so hard that he almost missed another sound…
Were those… Muffled screams?
Kasimir immediately halted and listened carefully… They were coming from behind him… He cursed himself for not being attentive and walked backwards slowly, stopping at every door and listening carefully before he moved on…
The yelps grew louder and louder, and faint thumps could be heard from the thin walls… A struggle? Kasimir broke into a run, kicked the door in front of him open and staggered inside.
A slim and relatively small figure with flowing red hair, dressed in an oversized black jacket and faded blue jeans, with his back to him, was holding the hostage woman in his arms, stroking her neck with a knife.
“STOP!” Kasimir bellowed “Do it, and I’ll put a bullet through your puny head!”
The figure threw the woman on the ground and stood up slowly, then turned around to face him…
Kasimir slowly raised his Glock… And almost dropped it in shock once he met his face... The surprise was mutual; the suspect staggered and fell backwards at the sight of a lieutenant with 5 badges...
He wasn’t a man after all…
Kasimir’s eyes widened for a split second as he stared at the woman, who was now staring back at him from the floor, her eyes darting from Kasimir’s shocked face to his 5 badges in alert. Suddenly, she scrambled up and started to run.
“Too slow.” Kasimir had ran forward in a split second, and grabbed her by the wrist with his most solid grasp before pointing his gun at her, about to pull the trigger…
And just as quick as he came, he was on the floor.
He was up in a jiffy but she was gone. Was that... Was that Judo..? How long had it been..?
“Exit through the front gate!” He said hastily to the stunned hostage woman, who shuffled out of the room as fast as she could
He snapped out of his shock and jumped out of the window she seemed to have leapt through, landing easily on the concrete floor and took off running, ripping his pants in the process, but not caring, and left the building from the back. He looked around for her billowing black jacket with his Glock raised, scanning every person, every building he saw quickly, and in a few minutes, he was able to spot her, she was going into a dead-end alleyway… He raised an eyebrow, wondering if the woman wasn’t as weak as she appeared to be, what with her delicate, frail figure, but nonetheless ran after her, splashing through puddles and pushing through crowds of people passing the busy road, ignoring the many stares he’d been receiving due to his ripped, muddy , yet ridiculously expensive business pants.
He entered the alleyway and found the woman huddled in a corner, shaking quite visibly. She gasped when she caught sight of him and was about to scream when Kasimir pulled her down into his lap and covered her mouth, and grasped her shoulders firmly.
“What is your name, woman.” He asked coldly trying to keep his voice calm and quiet.
“Zaphia... Zaphia Beaufordt... D-don’t hurt me!!”
Zaphia… It sounded Polish… Kasimir’s hatred towards her grew instantly.
“Why shouldn’t I hurt you, you stupid Polack!? Look at you… You do not deserve the life you’ve been given. It’s about time I’ve taken it from you!”
He didn’t notice how Zaphia was casting furtive glances behind his shoulder...
Zaphia remained silent... She knew there was no answer for that. She bowed her head slowly, as if she were nodding… Kasimir heard big footsteps shuffling behind him, and before he could react, the woman wrapped her arms around his head and pulled it down in a ridiculously strong lock. A sting of pain was all it took… The world went black for Kasimir. When he woke up in a hospital two days later, he could only think of one thing… He’d failed again.
Failed..
Failed
FAILED
He took his head in his hands and started shaking…
“No… No… No… NO!”
End of chapter
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140,385 Literary Works • 673,138 Reviews
Hi again BlackCatXx!! RagingLive back to take a look at chapter two of Suspect 009!
For English being your 2nd or 3rd language, I think that you're doing awesome. You seem to have a strong plot going here, and since I have read the other reviews, I know what to point out and what I don't really have too.
Using 'another' here really clutters up the sentence. I would suggest rephrasing to:
"It took a killer to think like one." You could maybe even spice it up by adding something like "after all" at the end to personalize it further.
Tears equal sorrow or heartache in my mind. In some cases it might be the result of joy, but I get the feeling that Kasimir rarely ever cries. I think that saying it 'made his eyes water' or something of the like would fit the sentence a little bit better.
Using 'sped up' makes it sound like Kasimir is in a car racing or something. Maybe say, "Kasimir quickened his pace."
I really liked this chapter, but may I offer you a little advice? You tell us a lot of what is going on, but I'm seeing a bit too much action and not enough of the story. Show us, don't just tell us.
Please, keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
It came as a surprise that suspect 009 was actually a woman. I wasn’t expecting that at all. @ConfusedGlasses covered almost everything I wanted to say. I’d suggest you to read over your work and look out for run-on sentences (sentences with more than two to three commas). I was also slightly confused at points because of the awkward wording. For example, when you wrote:
I thought you were talking about Kasimer. You could make it clear by saying, “Suspect 009 wasn’t a man after all.”
I’d be interested to know why he hated Polish people. Over all, I have enjoyed reading it and it has a lot of potential.
Let me know when you post the next chapter.
Well done, and keep writing!
Hey, Blackie! (since you called yourself that, I shall take the liberty. :p You can call me Confused if you like.)
I'm back for another review.
So, this chapter flows a LOT better than the last one, especially because you toned down on the ellipses. You could go a step farther, though. Leave out all of them in the second paragraph. Leave out all of them in the last big one. And also in the last one. Because considering the kind of person Kasimir is, he wouldn't take breaks in between. Or would he? I don't see it, to be honest. I don't know if you do.
DO you type up ellipses while you're thinking what to write in the next sentence? They sort of feel like they aren't part of the story but a part of the process that went into the story. And while a lot of people romanticize the process, some things are better delivered neat.
You're probably thinking, "what's with this person and my ellipses?!" You have every right to think that way. In my defense, just think about which places deserve the breaks or deceleration these ellipses are supposed to bring. Only those parts are justified in the use of them. Everything else is not a part of the story, and if it's not a part of the story, you leave it out.
I have a few things to say about the way Kasimir reacts to the things that happen. First, he has five badges, conveyed he's dealt with this sort of stuff many times before. to top that off, he knows from beforehand that this Suspect 009 has taken a hostage. would he really wonder about the muffled screams? Or the struggling? And as a lieutenant he should be familiar with hand-to-hand combat techniques, right. And you say, almost as an after-thought in the last chapter that it was the year 2037. A woman who knows Judo can't be that rare. In fact, I believe it would be rare to find a woman who didn't know judo. So, what's with this wondering?
One last nitpick for tonight.
Ellipses, honey. Also, the last sentence doesn't quite sound right. Try rephrasing it. I think the tense is what's bothering the grammar nazi in me.
I'm not expecting your writing to be perfect on the first go. that rarely happens for anyone. But perhaps you should give it more of an effort.
As I've said before, but maybe not so prominently, is that you have potential in this story. I am by no means a professional, but I'll give it my best to help you out. Most people on YWS will, actually. That's what we're here for. It's got a shining plot underneath these beginner mistakes you're making. All we need to do is work together turn it into a beauty.
~ConfusedGlasses
Hello, hello~!
I'm trying my best to please you, and whoever else reads my work.
You're really amazing for going through all this with me, thank you!
Here, I'll have to make a few points clear though
Kasimir wasn't wondering if those were muffled screams; that was my failed attempt at grabbing the reader's attention.
Also, ellipses are things I've always used in my prose, so they're really hard to get rid of completely, but I'm doing my best. Keep reminding me if I forget, it'll really help.
And what I've been thinking was that since it was 2037, everyone would have sort of mini-tasers in their fingernails and whatnot to protect themselves more reliably,so I thought Kasimir wouldn't see it all that often.
Pwease, pwease be patient with my grammatical errors, it's only my first work ever, and English is somewhere between my 2nd-3rd language.
Anyways~ Once again, thank you very, very much for going through all this junk
I'm taking all your warnings into account as I type the next chapter.
Or, hey I have a question, do you think I should rewrite these?
Oh God! I'm really sorry if I'm beginning to intimidate you. English isn't my first language either, to be honest. I'm just more comfortable with it than my mother language. Does that make sense? And I really felt like I was being a bit too harsh when I was writing these reviews, but I felt as though I had to let you know. And it's okay, you can rewrite these chapters when you're comfortable.
I really just wanna help you out. I apologise if it makes you feel bad.
Nononononono!!! You didn't offend me at all :0 I' sorry for making you think that way, you really aren't being harsh or anything with me, I really appreciate your reviews