Hullo~
I like how you introduced a conflict in this chapter, because I really felt that that was an element left lacking in chapter one. I'm not a big fan of the cliffhanger, because it feels like a ... somewhat contrived way of building up the suspense and an unnecessary prolongation of something that should have surfaced much earlier. The pacing is still slow and--don't get me wrong, sometimes a slower pace works out--there are lots of superfluous details I think you could do without. I like how Margo's perfectionist side is highlighted, and I also think it's interesting how she's adapted herself to the psychological and physical abuse her husband inflicts on her--this is dangerous, very dangerous, and I really don't see her pulling herself out of this situation any time soon. Besides that, Margo is largely painted as a Mary Sue, and this could largely be because of the lack of internal dialogue so far. We spend a lot of time lingering over the practical, trivial details of Margo's lifestyle, and the prose reads quite a lot like an instruction manual. It shouldn't.
So that's one of the things that needs work on: you have the events, you have the structure, but they read blandly, like bricks spaced out evenly with nothing to connect them. Fill in the gaps. One of the ways you could do this is by utilising scene instead of narrative. Narrative is when you lay things out plainly for us: 'Elijah jumped over the candlestick'. Scene is when you expound on that narrative and veer us into the present moment--this obviously means more sensory description and characters interacting with their environment. I mentioned this in my last review, so I won't linger over this, but do work on working emotion into your prose.
Aside from that, the narrator uses a copious amount of talking heads; these leech a lot of characterisation and colour from your prose, mainly because they're just bits of text hovering in thin air. You can induct a lot of action + reaction into the scene by spacing the dialogue out with description. For example, when Vicky tells Margo he hates vegetable-based foods, does Margo stiffen? does she suddenly grow alert and wary? What sort of expressions does Victor wear as he says this, and what impact does this have on Margo? How does Margo interact with her environment in this short space of time? Even subtle gestures--such as leaning tiredly against the door, or placing a hand on the doorknob in a bid to escape--do amazing things for characterisation. Remember: characterisation is doled out in snippets; it isn't shoved like a sack in the reader's direction.
Spotted some incorrectly-used semicolons in a couple of places; skim through this, edit the minor inconsistencies, and you should be fine~
This Walter Boggs sounds like quite the intriguing person! I suppose we'll get to know more about him in chapter three; I'll try to read/review this weekend, but if not, feel free to poke me!
Keep writing! Keep up the good work!
Cheers.
~Pomp
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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