It was 9th period, only a few minutes till I go home and I eat the glorious ham mom has been boasting about for days. I could taste it, brown sugar ham with pineapple, oooh with cold milk, mmmmmm. I began to drool, but I wiped it up before any of my peers saw me. I couldn’t move my big blue eyes off of that clock above the board. Tick Tock Tick Tock, My heart began beating in time with it, It scared me a little but I didn’t really care; I wanted that ham! Then my calls of hunger were answered and RINNNG, the bell went off. I got up and ran as fast as I could to my locker down the hall; my lock was preset so all I had to do is pull and it opened. I took my backpack with all the needed supplies to complete tonight’s assignment and set off for home. Before I left I kept on getting these dirty looks from all of my peers, even the elementary students looked at me like I had 3 head. Each one of their stares, more intense then the last, like they knew a secret about me, burned into my soul like a hot cookie on a child’s tongue.
On my way home I could feel the cool autumn air blow past me ruffling my hair every which way. “Ahh October, how I love your nice weather” I said to myself, a little too loudly though; a man looked up at me with a strange look, almost like I just said I killed someone. All I could do the whole mile walk home was think about that ham; oh it was going to taste good with some of my family’s famous ham gravy, oh how sweet it is to have a family that can cook. The leaves of the trees crunched below my feet, it almost sounded like little tiny bones were breaking. Most of the houses on my street looked the same; big, with a bland outside, green or blue shutters, and a big wooden front door. I don’t understand why people would want to be so similar, I like being different, people think I’m a freak but that doesn’t faze me anymore; it used to pierce me like a blade when I was younger. I began skipping not letting the thought of the prize pig siting in the center of the table with juices flowing like rivers that would fill the plate below. The wilting flowers, and dead trees really didn’t bum me out like it would most people, it means that Halloween is coming near. As I passed the Jefferson’s house, and smelt the aroma of Mrs. Jefferson’s famous “Mystery Meat” Pot Pie, I knew I was only a few moments away from the biggest amount of meat a 14 year old boy, the size of a twig, could eat. I, now approaching my big white house, could read the name Blackheart across the shining silver mailbox; this only increased my hunger.
I went up to the big wooden door and opened it slowly. “Mom, Dad, anyone home?” I didn’t think mom had to go shopping and dad worked at home today so he couldn’t be at the office. Then I stepped in something, it turned my shoes red; it was a trail of crimson blood. My heart stopped, this wasn’t pig blood, it was human! I, unconsciously, followed the trail of the warm red liquid into the kitchen. I fell to my knees as soon as I walked in the arch way; there my mother lay, neck slit wide open. She looked like one of the pigs sent to slaughter, like in the video I saw in health class. The trail went on from my mother but I couldn’t move; I knew I had to though. I finally, after 15 minutes of turning down reality, followed the rest of the trail. This time the trail took me up stairs, then into my parent’s room, then the master bathroom. The room was big and had a Jacuzzi tub. I never got to use the Jacuzzi, and I don’t think I ever will. This is because in the tub, my father was floating in a pool of his own blood; he was stabbed four times in the chest and once in the face. After seeing this, I lost my sight to the salty tears that now flood my cheeks. I went back down stairs and sat on the last step crying. Crying was an understatement I wailed, what else could I do both my parents were brutally murdered by some unknown stranger. Even, after about an hour of just sitting there crying I was still trying to find a rational explanation. “This must be a dream, I’m still in Global, school hasn’t ended and I still can get my ham.” The thought of the ham made me hurl, sadly only blood came out. Now my house was filled with three sections of the Blackheart’s blood. Then, I heard something coming from the garage, talking.
“Well, Len should be home just about now sweetheart so hopefully soon I’ll talk with the boy.” The mysterious voice spoke. The voice was deep and manly but vaguely disturbing and quite familiar. I was paralyzed with fear, my legs felt like gelatin, and I had mashed potato brains. But then the door knob of the door that connected the garage and the house twitched, I started to run. I went in all the rooms upstairs looking for a place to hide. Luckily I remembered that mom always kept that door locked after my fiasco when I was 5. The, I got to my room and hid in my closet. My closet was one of those closets you put together yourself, and looked like oversized kitchen cabinets. I sat there hiding behind a basket of toys, my suit, my sweater, and a couple flannel shirts. “Len, I know your home, don’t hide from me” I heard the man say from downstairs. I could hear him tipping over all of the living room furniture; the crash of the Television made me jumpy. All of a sudden, my worst fear came to reality; I heard the floorboards on the stairs creek as the man walked up the stairs. I was almost positive this is the man who killed my parents, and I was next. I waited about an hour of crashing furniture, cussing, yelling, grunting, and heavy breathing, until he finally entered my room. He walked in and chuckled. Under his breath he said “He is in here, I smell the fear, and rancid smell of a child.” His first intuition was to check under the bed, then the T.V. stand, next he went into my bathroom, and then my toy box, but he stopped. I was standing there looking at my desk with three framed pictures; one was a family photo, then the next was of me and Kyle Jefferson, when we were in scouts when we were younger, and the last was of just me when I was 5, it was Halloween. Then the man left the room for a few seconds and realized he forgot to check the closet. Seeing him open the doors I jumped, kicked the man, and ran. But, alas I did not get far I got to my staircase and bam; I was hit by some heavy object. I fell to the ground and was knocked out; I even think I rolled down the stairs a little.
I woke up in a small dark room. I was tied to a chair, hands cuffed behind the chair rest, and I still had blood trickling like a river down my face. I could feel my head throbbing exactly where the heavy object hit me. I believe it was the bloody shovel resting on my chair. The room was dark and only had one window focused on me, but I could make out some old machinery; there was a convertor belt, a prodding machine, and an industrial oven; I was in a slaughter house. I knew I was in a slaughter house because it looked like the one we saw in health class, this is where they miss treated the pigs to get them ready for cooking. I could hear voices, a conversation between a man and a woman; I’ve heard the voices before. One voice was defiantly the mysterious murderer from the house; but who was the woman? They booth walked out into the shine of the moon through the old window. “Hello, Len. It’s nice to see you again” said the mysterious woman. As she moved closer I could make out both of their faces, but it couldn’t be; it was Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson! I had figured out the mystery meat in her pot pie was not pork, or chicken, but human children, and I was her next pie.
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140,498 Literary Works • 673,255 Reviews
By the way, I don't think Snoink os going to approve of this!
So... Using my latest dual-monitor capabilities, I will attempt to review this story... Let's see... I will possibly rip the thing apart, so forgive me. I will mention my overall impression at the end. I might also be mistaken about some things, but generally there would me mistakes where I find them.
::
(a merely subjective opinion) Oh, but I can not take it... Well done man.
)
By the way, stop eating animals, Nameless Narrator!
) sound when talking about certain meat-related things (at least to my vegetarian self).
P1:
9th period? You are relying on the pre-defined concepts of a particular culture. I do not know what you mean by that. I would suggest that you should use terms not restricted to a certain culture e.g. America.
I am not a fan of the shortening of words or relatively simple language, even for the overall effect, but I will leave that in its grave.
'till I go home' might sound better as 'until I will go home'.
'ham'... Myself being a vegetarian, the horror starts here :p
'ham mom'? Is that some kind of monster? You should insert 'that' or, my favourite, 'which', in between!
::I have a feeling that my review might be longer than the story
'Had' instead of 'has'?
Oh... I can also taste it... The ultimate horror on this planet...
'off' followed by 'of'... I do not see the good in this.
'My heart', unless proceeded by a full stop, should not be capitalised.
::I must note that, despite the somewhat simplistic language, it certainly adds to the effect!::
'my lock was present'... Are not locks usually present in lockers? Perhaps you meant 'opened'?
'is open', replace by 'was'.
I smell a change in tone. This implies that your previous simplistic tone was not your intention. Not fatal, but you should try to keep your story follow one single tone unless it would be useful to change it.
'like', should replace with 'as if'.
Replace '3' with 'three'. The occasions are rare when things like '3' will be acceptable.
'like they knew a secret about me' just does not sound right between that sentence. Perhaps erase it, and create a new sentence before/after this one, maybe somewhat similar to this "It was as it they knew a deep secret about myself, a truth which I, despite my voluminous knowledge about my private life, have failed to recognise." (not entirely suitable due to an incompatible tone, but somethink like that would probably be better.
A hot cookie! Yay! Can I have one? (point: If you want to inspire horror, use the appropriate imagery !
P2:
'blow past me', replace with 'blow past my'.
I am not sure if anyone would actually ever say such a thing.
'I said to myself,'... I think that you should use a full stop here.
Just general inefficiency of word usage and structure.
::Will use !!xyz!! to identify something which I changed to something which I see as more appropriate.
'almost !!as if I have just said that I have killed!! someone ...'
'the !! mile-long!! walk home...' Plus I have expected to hear your opinion of that man.
Gravy? I hate gravy! The horror...
''!!.!! oh how sweet it is to have a family that can cook!! ! !!' just sounds more logical and easier to understand...
'The leaves !! "something else which makes sense" !!...' I just don't like the sound of 'of' in there.
You should use less 'like' and more 'as if', I think. I will mention that no further.
A bland outside? What is that? What you were searching for was 'façade'. Perhaps a 'painfully bland façade'? Don't fear to add details!
Put a full stop before 'I like', together probably with 'because'. '. Because I like...' Actually... Here it is in my own tone:
'. Due to the fact that I like to be different, many people think that I am a freak, but that doesn’t faze me anymore; although it used to pierce me like a blade when I was younger.'
By the way... Are you sure that that would be the reason? I am doubtful.
'I began skipping not letting the thought of the prize pig siting in the center of the table with juices flowing like rivers that would fill the plate below...' Skipping? What? I don't get that sentence. And overall, it simply lacks punctuation. Sounds more like a train accident.
Wait... Wilting flowers? You are a little too fast for me. Please take more time to create a smooth transition between your sentences. They are too disconnected. By the way, scrap the coma after the flowers.
Jefferson's house... Scrap the coma.
'smelt...'? Is that not the process of extracting metal from ore? Smelled, perhaps?
Oh, Blackhearth seems only appropriate! How dare you eat meat from nice sweet animals! How dare you :insert rant here:! Ah well. I will just have to deal with it. 0,,0
The rest of that paragraph is beautifully executed, compared to the rest. Bravo!
P3:
I would prefer if you were to start your dialogue with a new line, but looking at the format of this story, I guess that is acceptable.
'had to go shopping...' :Insert coma here:.
'Then' might be too sudden a way to begin that sentence. Perhaps something like 'Upon proceeding into the surprising desolation of my house...' etc. might be better to start the thing. Too sudden.
It can not turn your shoes red unless it has some strangely magical properties. You should use a description which provokes the exact image of what is being said.
How can you discern a pig's blood from a human's? Are you truly such a cannibalistic carnivore? At the age of fourteen, and even now, I can not identify different specie's blood.
'of the warm red liquid...' What else could you follow? And how do you know that it was warm? You should replace this with something more productive.
'!!for!! there my mother lay'. And perhaps you fell to your knees a 'little' bit too fast for realism. Shock comes first, and then the mind needs to process and verify the image.
'!!her!! neck'.
Almost missed it. You might want to use 'archway'.
You saw a video in health class. Now you are an expert on blood types between species.
'I knew I had to though' makes me feel that you actually had to 'though', a word which reminds me, personally, of vomiting. Otherwise, it does not make much sense. Man, add vomiting around there somewhere, for the effect and all! (subjective). But you must certainly fix the 'though'. Perhaps reposition it.
'I finally'... I am a fan of commas, but 'I finally' together just does not really work for me before a comma. You should restructure that. Perhaps 'I, finally, after about fifteen...'?
Turning down reality... Perfect. Although you did forget the possible grief.
Perhaps 'decided to follow' the rest of the trail?
'took me up !!the!! stairs'. Or 'upstairs'.
Perhaps 'before finally leading me to the master...' Wait, master 'bathroom'?
The next sentence is too simple to be relevant, too plain to be effective and too undetailed too be necessary. Ok, I see now, but still, you should alter it.
I was about to say the same for the next sentence, but then I saw the one after that... Bravo!
On the last step? I would have jumped out of the godda'n window and gotten away from that house!
'Crying was an understatement !!.!! I wailed !!.!! What else...' Just makes much more sense.
'could I do both my parents...' This needs some transition. And by the way, both 'of' my parents.
'Even...' scrap the comma.
Um... In 'Global'?
Yay, vomiting! But 'hurl'? Man, vomit the thing up! 'Hurl' is slang, and I was not familiar with the term.
Blood came out? Is that even clinically possible? From my limited knowledge of anatomy, I think that you would die before vomit blood. Cough up blood... More logical, but still highly improbable. One must be truly physically damaged to do any of these.
'Sadly!!,!!'
I know not exactly, but would 'Blackheart blood' not be more effective?
The last sentence, although intriguing, could be improved. Replace 'then' and 'from' with something more effective, and expand on the sentence.
P4:
The first line of dialogue could be improved, but if that is how that person actually speaks, then leave it.
You used 'the voice' in two sentences. It is too distracting.
Restructure the description of the voice. You should use a more complex sentence structure. For example, 'something, something and something, the thing was rather something, and yet so terribly something that I could not possibly feel at peace when exposed to its something and something something.'
Note: Never fear to use words such as loathsome, horror, terrible, grotesque, excruciating, accursed, hideous etc. They may look like exaggeration, but the more emotion you put in the more of a reaction can you expect from the readers. These words would add to the overall effectiveness to a story which uses a generally more advanced English than yours. I mean that as no offence, but just as a general advice for future writing.
Overall, your sentence structure is rather... Ineffective. I will write of it no further (therefore leaving the rest of my review much shorter), and I am sure that within the next few years of your life and a little practice this will improve. I would suggest you to read more books, fiction and non-fiction, and pay increased attention to how language is used there. Just some advice
'I had mashed potato brains'... What in the name of... That sounds terrible! Not frightening, but a terrible metaphor. Restructure and replace.
'The door knob of the door...' Can a door knob be of something other than a door?
'!!.!! I started to run.'
You went in... Whatever. Sounds a little too boring. Restructure and use better imagery. You do not go into rooms all over the house to find a place to hide. That would be too impractical and you would be heard. Not when the front door is open and not ever. You 'search' for a place to hide.
Um, what door? And then, what fiasco? You meant the garage door? Bee more clear.
Structure, order, usage, imagery and possibility of conflicting information. One must always focus on those. You are not guilty of all of these, but be careful.
'Kitchen !!cabinet!!'.
You should attempt and combine those items in a more effective way. Perhaps expand this description to occupy two sentences.
'I know !!you're!! home, don't hide from me!!.!!'.
Tipping? Man, use better terminology. Overturning the furniture etc. Tipping does not work.
'jumpy' = on edge/nervous. 'jump' is what you meant.
Um... Your worst fear? But was that not likely for him to do? Yes, you are disturbed by your parents' deaths, but either act like it for think more rationally.
You meant 'creak', not creek. Totally different.
'was' instead of 'is'... Would that not make a little more sense? I am uncertain.
'who !!had!! killed'.
'I waited !!through!! about'.
You should add something after '!!a!! heavy breathing', such as 'a sound which I will never forget' etc.
'!!the!! rancid'. I was not familiar with the word. Great
'...the T.V. stand before finally moving into the bathroom...' perhaps?
Why would he check in a toy box? Was it truly so large? You should possibly have described it before. Never fear a little more detail where appropriate!
'I was standing there...' You were standing on a closet looking through a peep hope, which I cannot recall you describing. It was he who was looking that the photos, no?
The description of the photos was not truly effective. Remove the first 'then'.
'!!during Halloween!!' might sound better.
Remove the then at the beginning of the next sentence. Try to use the word a little less.
'before realizing that he forgot to...' perhaps? I am simply stating what I would have been inclined to write.
Umm... Too fast! You must truly expand this next sentence, where you saw and kicked him. First, were you truly this close to him all the time? It makes little sense. 2-4 sentences, at least, should be used.
'But, alas, I was not able to get far... "the next part makes no sense without a full stop preceding it"' As far as I know, comas (, x, ) can be used as a form of (x) or - x -. I am not sure, but I simply feel that these are basically the same think but with different strengths. You must always close them when using them like that. You did not close it after 'alas'.
Ineffective structure and unnecessary simplicity... Man, expand that event! It is too fast to be good.
P5:
Oh, so you have lost consciousness. Thanks for telling it to us now. A little too late, no?
This is too simple... Use higher vocabulary and employ more description to actually sound what you are talking about.
'Heavy object' does not convey any emotions. 'the thing' etc might be a little more effective.
Windows do not focus. They barely refract anything at all.
'convertor belt'? But I think another person mentioned that already when reviewing this.
'mistreated' instead of 'miss treated'.
One voice was 'defiantly'??? 'Definitely', man!
'They !!both!!'.
So the light from the window was not directed at you at all. And it is night?! I somehow missed that.
'mysterious woman' sounds a little too pathetic. You should rely on your own phrases more, especially if they are less of a cliché.
Scrap the 'I had figured out'. It is inappropriate in that sentence.
Soo... Where to begin... It was a great story! I have certainly enjoyed it (although I am tired of correcting the mistakes). If rewritten properly, perhaps in a more complex form of English, then it would be truly great. If you were to attempt that in a couple of years, then I would be truly interested. I have loved some of the things which you do with language. These were highly original and formed a beautiful euphony to my mind. But then, other aspects of this story were plagued by improperly structured sentences, an ineffective choice of vocabulary and generally overused phrases.
The writing aside, the story was truly great. I loved the ending, and the subtle way in which you informed us of the Jefferson family was fabulous. I must say that I was highly irritated when I had to correct some of your mistakes at the end, because the story was simply so much captivating. It was very effective how you stated your love for meat, hinted at the horrors of meat production and then finally rendered yourself as the pig you (the narrator, of course
Again, if you were to correct the flaws of your writing and add more detail, then I would have encountered your story much more pleasing.
Overall score: 7/10
Reason: Grammar, word usage, improper structure which I did not enjoy.
Other reason: Great story, with certain subtle and effective techniques!
Peace, and write with love for the macabre!
P.S. The longest review which I wrote in my life...
P.P.S. Interesting think which I found when researching for this review:
Guy :'Damn!'
Woman: '*gasps*
And you kiss your mother with that mouth??'
Great job! I did like the increasing horror coming to a climax however you did spell conveyor belt wrong and the part where you said "I began skipping along..." it trails off about the ham and doesnt' end anywhere maybe you should tone down the gore and put less about the ham though.
Nice piece!
/ 5 Cool Shades.
This really gave me the creeps, Inwas engrossed in the horror. You know when something is so scary, you want to stop watching or reading, but you can't?
Yeah.
I did like the ending, although I feel it was a bit rushed.
You start by talking about how yummy this ham is going to be.
I was kind of hooked then, but you did go on a hit about the ham. I understand you needed him I get home but it is a bit...full in with the ham.
You should probably get rid of this as well:
"mmmmmm".
It is not a word, it is unproffesional and kind of painful to the eyes.
There is not much to review here, except it was a funny, scary, enjoyable piece of writing.
I really liked reading this.
I hope you kep writing, and, you get.....
P.S. Noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors.
Might want to fix those up!
Tobes- I'm just a dashboard away