This "Ending" is just a SMALL portion of the FINAL chapter of book 1.
I've gotten an opinion on this, and was told it was very interesting.
-wink-
I wanted a lot of opinions, and points of view.
Mostly, I don't want any kind of grammar or English crits.
Basically everything that I'm writing here is just to show you guys
how it would end, everything else would be fixed when i actually wrote
the chapter.
Also i'd like you to answer these questions for me.(Doesn't needed to be formatted this way)
1: Was the ending too sudden, did that suddenness cause you to hate it?
2: Did it interest you? Did it make you want to read the next book?
3: Is there anything that i could change to make the ending causing the next book to be more desirable(only if you think the ending is good)
Thank you guys much in advance ^^.
REMEMBER! PLEASE DISREGUARD SPELLING,GRAMMER, AND ENGLISH, THIS IS STRICLY FOR OPINION ON THE WAY I AM ENDING MY STORY!!
Also in-case anyone cares, I'm going to leave out spoilers by using fake names, and avoid speech at all, but both of those WILL be in the final cut of the chapter.
The male stood in front of the female, his sword drawn.
He stared at the other male, and then charged him with his sword.
When the sword reached the male, he grabbed the blade, and threw it aside, along with the male. He looked straight at the female.
He rose his hand into the air and it began to choke her.
Her body floated toward the male. When her body reached him
a large ball of light appeared in his hand. He thrust the ball of light at the females stomach.
The light covered the whole area. Blood is spilt, and the cry of a girl is heard.
Then after that nothing would be said, but this poem would be.
POEM:
The moon, the clouds, the relationship they share.
The difference between being alone, and being free.
The settlment of the darkness, of the light.
I dream, I wish, I love, I kiss, I breath, I sing, I think you know what i mean.
The finale is here, the ending in sight.
The sun goes out, there is no more light.
I sit here, writing, wishing, and thinking, hoping,
that the light will one day come again.
March, 27th, Y 106.
END POEM:
Alright, so that'a how the book would end ^^
After the poem says the date (Also you won't understand the Y 106 yet, it's obviously the way they keep track of the time, in a long period, like we do years. Y does stand for Year , yes, and yes that would be revealed in the story before now.)
So please tell me who you like it.
If you'd like you can read Chapter 1 of this story here.
Link: topic30944.html
Crit it if you like.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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140,531 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
nice one!.. really..
and..you may just do some little revisions.. it would sound nicer..
..the character's name is actually missing.. <was stated already>
..the ending was great! and I love the poem..
but this part here..
"I think you know what I mean" I think you could make it deeper.. and it would surely sound great.. because I think the line is quite unpassionate for your piece..
But i really do think you know what I mean.. ^^
I thought it was pretty good, and if you make another book, i would read it. My favorite part was the poem, I liked how it kinda told you what was happenning.
Hey good job Derek but there was a few times when you rushed the explanation of the fight or something like that. You where talking as if you where the third person in the point of view but then you switched...
Anyway. I think the poem was better written so keep up the good work. 
Her body floated toward the male. When her body reached him
a large ball of light appeared in his hand. He thrust the ball of light at the females stomach.
The light covered the whole area. Blood is spilt, and the cry of a girl is heard.
You talk about how she is floating towards him then you switch to how the blood IS spilt. It should be WAS spilt. You switched past and present. Keep that in mind. And where you going to use names or what?
Hello, I'm Kate. I have read chapter one as well, and I love this ending. I believe you rush in some places,like the beginning, but you can easily smooth that out when you put the final draft together. The poem at the end is unique. I love it. In my opinion, you achieved your goal! This is a great ending and it leaves me wanting more.
Thanks.
If you read the chapter 1 of this (provided in the link)
As you can see a poem is at the beginning of it.
Every chapter will have a poem at the beginning, and if the
series goes well, each ending to a book will have a poem.
That's why it's there, and by the end of the book the readers
would not be confused about that.
Also the layout of the actual book would be different.
I wasn't worried about grammar or anything thus the part tense
present tense thing didn't need to be mentioned :/
I saw that as i was writing it, but didn't bother fix it cause
it's doesn't matter in the slightest.
Obviously what i wrote up there was crap, super crap actually.
The only reason that writing is there at all is so you can see how it
would end, none of that will be placed into the actual book, storyline
wise, yes, but not grammar,spelling, any of that. It will all be fixed, as it
seriously needs it.
The male and female really threw me off... but I know that was simply to avoid spoiling so I'll try to look over it =)
1. The choppy, short sentence where buzoo! Short sentences are fantastic, but a very few go a very long way! I know you said stay away from spelling and grammar... but this is important! In the end you switched from past to present tense. If you want a melodramatic ending and you have a really good way to transition to present (or your book is present) do it! But if you can't stay with the past it’s safer =) I’m not really sure what you were doing with that poem... it really confused me O.o what is a poem doing in the middle of a story??? Sorry maybe I've simply missed a memo or something but if you can incorporate the poem into the story it'd be great! (Such as make an obscure character find it in an epilogue or something like that use your imagination) I really do love the poem and it does draw your reader in and make me want to find out more about these mysterious characters! The story part itself sounds amazing and I wish I could see it in full. Overall I think you've achieved what you were looking for: a strong ending, and a hook for the reader to fall into the next book! All you need to do is round off some edges and you'll have a masterpiece!