Young Writers Society

Hey people of YWS, I've returned as of now, i will most likely be leaving again, as soon as i get my needed reviews. It's just because the fact I've written many chapters on a new book, and i thought they needed some reviews, and what better place then YWS.(of course!) So ya.

BTW, I'm not sure whats up with the big hole in front of all my sentences but i can't seam to fix it...sorry V_V.


Disturbia
Prologue

What would happen, if I died here?

Would the world die with me? Or would I die with the world?

We are connected, after all.

Sometime I wonder, if I did the right thing coming here, did I fulfill my purpose?

Did I serve you the best I could?

I hope that if I return you will reward me with what I desire most.

I desire something more, something that I can cherish.

Something like…You.


CHAPTER 1
The Queen
LIGHTING crackled in the sky, thunder boomed across the dead valley. Even in this massive uproar footsteps could be heard as they marched through the damp grass. Two figures could be seen. Rain dripped down the boy’s face, his cold black hair hanging in front of his eyes. Were it only the rain that fell that day, when the sun would shine no more. As the boy walked farther into the darkness, the body behind him became heavier and heavier.

“Is your life…more important than mine?”

He said to the body.

“I mean, I am the cause of all this, right? Do I even deserve to live anymore?”


_________________________________________________________________________________

“But father!”

“No! I will not allow this; you will remain here until this mission is over!”

The boy sat down on a small wooden bench. He sighed and

took his sword out of its sheath and examined it.

“What’s the point in having you, if I can’t use you?

He touched his hand to the insignia of a lion, caressing it.

“Where is the honor in sitting here, waiting for you to return?”

He sighed again, placing the sword back into its sheath.

“Well that settles it then, to Leblanc.”
_________________________________________________________________________________
“I should have just stayed there, then maybe…maybe”

Tears ran down his face, he cried as hard as the rain. He knelt down and shoved his face into the grass.

“I cannot save you, I can barley save myself!”

He smashed the ground.

“This is your fault!” He yelled.

“I hate you!” He raised his head to the sky.
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Where have you gone, my father?” The boy marched his horse deep into the forest.

“He should have been headed for Leblanc, but I’ve all but passed that.”

The sun disappeared behind the trees as he went deeper into the wood. A chill passed his spine as he went deeper and deeper into the darkness. Looking ahead he could see seven figures sitting around a fire. He got off his horse, and tied its reigns to a nearby tree. He walked closer, making sure to be discreet. He could recognize one of the figures as his father, and his knights. Two other’s sat by the fire, yet he did not recognize them. Once as close to the fire as he could be without revealing himself, he knelt down behind a tree and opened his ears.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I only have but 200 troops at my disposal at the time.” The man’s voice was deep and recognized as his fathers.

“Mr. Bursoda, 200 troops is but close to nothing, compared to that of the Mura’s.” A cold voice spoke, that of a woman. Her voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard as she continued to speak.

“Now if you wish to live to see the end of this war, bring me more troops.”

“I’m sorry but the only other way for me to receive troops is permission from the king, in which he has denied my request many a time.”

“Please do not lie to me Mr. Bursoda; I do not enjoy being lied to.” Her face turned to a frown, and her eyes grew wide as she looked into his father’s eyes.

“How many troops did you bring with you today, Mr. Bursoda?”

In confusion he answered obliviously.

“Um, 4, as you can plainly see.”

“Well then who is this young man?” Suddenly a large hand grabbed the boy and thrust him out into the open. Everyone looked in shock, all but the women, of course.

“Son, what are you doing here?”

“I told you to stay at the castle!”

“Oh my, oh my, this is your son is it?” The women laughed aloud. The father looked at her quickly in shock.

“No, please my queen, leave him out of this!”

She laughed again.

“I’ll make a deal with you then Mr. Bursoda.”

“You supply me no troops at all, just the boy.” The large man had his arm held behind his back, to prevent his escape. He grunted and he struggled trying to get away.

“Please my queen! I could never do that! He is my only son!”

“Well it seems it’s your only option Mr. Bursoda.”

“Dorgon, we’re leaving.” The queen and the large man left, taking the boy with them.

“Father!” He screamed.

“Drop him you witch!” The father demanded as he ran straight for the queen. Sword draw, he stabbed at her heart. Within a second his father lay on the ground, his own sword threw his chest.

“No! Father!” The boy yelled. The other knights charged the queen as well. Ice rose from the ground in spikes under the knights. Screams filled the used to be quiet forest. The boy elbowed the large man in the stomach, and ran toward his father’s corpse.

“Father…?” He said as he cried over him. The queen laughed once more.

“Well well, I’ll be the kind queen I am and allow you to mourn your father’s death.” The forest became suddenly very cold and a windswept around the queen and her large servant. A laugh could be heard as they disappeared into the sky.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The boy looked back at the forest.

“Who is she? I wonder.”

“She was a queen, of something…”

He lifted himself off the ground and looked down at his father’s body.

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t return you to the castle, but if I continue on like this, I won’t make it either.”

“From this day forward, I’m going to make a vow that I will be more like you, like the king you wanted me to be.” He clinched his fist.

“I guess I’ll make my way to Leblanc again.” He looked at his father once more, and made the long walk to the capital city of Leblanc.


END CHAPTER 1
Chapter 2 the Girl: Coming Soon

Oooh I really enjoyed this piece. I couldn't find too much wrong with it, one thing:

Even in this massive uproar, footsteps could be heard as they marched through the damp grass.

I added in a comma which I believe you need.
Anyways I can't wait for the next chapter!

-Katsu=]

I'm ba-ack.

1. Derek -- DUDE. This is like something Sara Douglass would write. She's my favorite author, so that's a good thing. Awesome, really. Keep writing. You'll top her.

2. I have no idea if you realize it, but you've no idea how to take baby steps in your writing. Comparing this to the first piece I read by you... huge improvement. I'm very impressed by how much you've improved in so short a time.

Ugh, I'll stop. I know that when I receive crits with all good in the beginning, I translate it into 'they hated it'. Because I liked your piece, I shall stop throwing flowers at your feet.

It got a little confusing at parts... but by time I got halfway through it, I had found out why:

Sometimes, when you have dialogue, your dialogue will need a new paragraph. In these situations, it's best not to put an end quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph.

Example:

“Son, what are you doing here?”

“I told you to stay at the castle!”

Should be:

“Son, what are you doing here?

“I told you to stay at the castle!”

~~

Actually, it should be

“Son, what are you doing here? I told you to stay at the castle!”

but for the sake of the example, we'll ignore that part. Note how, in the first line of dialogue, the end quote mark is gone. This shows that the character is not done talking, and continues to talk in the next paragraph. Traditionally, the end quote mark signals that the character is done talking. This rule can be broken in the case of interruptions:

"I told you--"
"This isn't--"
"--That if you--"
"--You're not being fa--"
"--got another D, I'd--"
"--Dad!"
"--ground you."

Even though the father never stopped talking, the end quote was needed to show that he and his son/daughter are not the same person. In your case, though, because you don't have any interruption scenes in your story (yet) you can disregard that tidbit. Just remember: when a character's dialogue continues over into a new paragraph, kill the end quote mark on the first paragraph.

This comes in two parts, actually. Here's to part two!

“Son, what are you doing here?”

“I told you to stay at the castle!”

Remember how I said it should be all one line? It should. Here's why:

1. The topic doesn't change
2. The dialogue piece didn't get too long to stay one paragraph.

Here's an example (get ready):

Brad wrote:..."Let me set this aside for now and go a step further: surely if to speak of Ethics is to also speak of Utopia, then what is it that unifies both of these concepts? Why has Utopia become an obsolete fantasy, scoffed at today by cynics and both the Left and Right? Let's make a quick detour through history: Ethics concerns, in Greek, the search for a good 'way of being,' for a wise course of action. For the Stoics, Ethics entailed the very core of philosophy--no philosophical endeavor could occur without a consideration of the ethics involved. For the moderns--and surely we can agree that Descartes is, if not the first, then certainly close to it--ethics was more or less synonymous with morality, or, as Kant would say, with practical reason--as distinguished from theoretical reason.

"Modern Ethics, then, is the principle that judges the practice of a Subject, be it individual or collective. Hegel, in the 19th century, will introduce a subtle distinction between Sittlichkeit--ethics--and Moralitat--morality. He reserves the application of the ethical principle to immediate actions, while morality is to concern reflexive action. He will say, for example, that 'the ethical order essentially consists in the immediate firmness of decision.'"

I opened a bottle of water and sipped from it...

Click for full post.

Context: Character is giving a lecture.

Notice how the first paragraph, the character is introducing the concept of Ethics. He's providing an introduction paragraph, just like you would when writing an essay.

Now, the second paragraph, he's still talking about Ethics, but is no longer introducing them. In that way, there has been change, which needs a new paragraph. Also, the first paragraph was getting to be as long as you want a paragraph to be, dialogue or no, so if he wanted to keep talking, he needed a new paragraph.

PLEASE NOTE! Brad's an awesome writer, yes, but if you read the first sentence of the post under his, you will see that it's not normal to write like that. I'm not saying write so much dialogue, you need another paragraph for space issues. I'm just giving an example of it being used.

“Son, what are you doing here?"

"I told you to stay at the castle!”

Those two lines are short, which knocks out number two, and they're on the same subject, which knocks out number one.

"Son, what are you doing here? I told you to stay at the castle!"

It reads better, too.

I really liked where he was talking to his sword, but I had two twinges:

One, the father went poof at some point. He was suddenly gone. And I have no idea when he went away. Perhaps is just the fact that it's 3:12am and I'm tired, but I can't spot it. Besides, description tends to be a great thing for any story, and it'll add to your word count!

Two, " “Well that settles it then, to Leblanc.” " seems out of place... like it doesn't belong there. It doesn't really sound like something people would say out loud, either... think, maybe. But not say.

Other than those, that scene was really good. I especially liked how you effectively switched between dialogue and description. It was smooth and easy, and I was able to clearly see everything in my head. Kudos!

“Where have you gone, my father?” The boy marched his horse deep into the forest.

*shakes fist* Hold up! Last we knew, he had just decided to follow his father. NOW we come in, and he's already left home and is searching for his father, which implies that he didn't do too good a job of following. @_@

It's like we jumped through a worm hole or something. No time for us, lots of time for him. But how much time? How long has it been since he first set out? When did he leave? How long after his father? How did he get where he is?

So many questions! Not a single answer! My head's spinning in circles. Expand a bit, let the readers how he got to be where he is and why.

I'm not trying to be harsh, at all. You've just improved beyond simple nitpiks. You now have more depth, which means the crits and start looking at concepts rather than nitpiks.

Yes, I agree. Great idea and concept. And do tell, please, how soon is 'soon' for chapter two? You know I'll be waiting...

Hey, Derek!

Grammar

I'm going to skip the grammar/spell check 'cause my eyes are killing me today. T_T I can come back and give you a sentence-by-sentence if you'd like me too, but I can't do it right now. xD

Straight off in the beginning, you have misplaced commas, missing commas, and typos. This will be about commas.

Commas are not used to separate sentences. People make that mistake, but you can't do that. Semicolons are there to do that. They have the special dot above the comma, so it's basically a comma, but it's not. Commas don't separate sentences [or independent clauses] unless they have a Fanboys [for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so]. I could give you a whole nice long speech about them if you'd like. ^_^

This:

Sometime I wonder, if I did the right thing coming here, did I fulfill my purpose?

Does not go well with me. Why? Well, besides the misplaced comma after wonder, the comma after here is separating to independent clauses, or sentences that can stand on their own. Change that comma to a period or a semi-colon or even a dash but not a comma.

Commas do separate dependent clauses from the independent clause like the quote below. It gets really technical, and I've debated whether just posting an entire article on the use of commas.

I hope that if I return, you will reward me with what I desire most.

The if is a special word called a subordinate conjunction. It works just like because[i] or [i]since. If it's at the beginning of the sentence, that phrase is set apart with the comma at the end. But if it's after the independent clause, then no comma is needed.

I hope that if I return, you will reward me with what I desire most.
I hope you will reward me with what I desire most if I return.

There are other things I could say, but I'll stop with the comma rant. I apologize. -.-

Ellipses are good to use. Snoink has a loverly article about them in the Knowledge Base. They signify the trailing off in voice. Well... you don't capitalize the word after the ellipses if it's still part of the sentence.

Something like…You.

If you can say "Something like you" [btw, you is a thing?], then you don't need to capitalize you after the ellipses.

You also had some weird apostrophe use? Like plural vs. possessive.

Jimmy's = It's possessive; it belongs to Jimmy.
Others = Plural; more than one.

Dialogue/Tags

I will not repeat what Dreamer has said. She did an excellent explanation on dialogue format, etc. Listen to her.

Of course, some of your dialogue is weirdly worded. Even if they're at this time, keep it consistent and realistic. Not much I can say, really.

Though I'd like to emphasize the use of tags. Again, straight away, I got confused as to who was speaking. I was kind of weirded out by how you broke up some sentences too. Like here:

The boy sat down on a small wooden bench. He sighed and

took his sword out of its sheath and examined it.

...Righty, then! XD

Description

In the beginning [I know, I haven't even finished reading and have so much to say!], you have these brief scenes of just dialogue. I can't picture anything, really. I can only hear shouting, and it's kind of bothersome. I'm a very visual person, and people who read always make pictures in their mind as if they were watching a movie. However, I couldn't make any pictures with what you've been giving me in those instances. If you want their identities to remain secret [as well as their locations, and authors do this!], then you may want to describe how they speak and sounds. Get creative! That's what writing's all about!

Numbers

This will be short.

“Um, 4, as you can plainly see.”

Why not four? It's a serious pet peeve of mine. At least 1 - 20 should be written in words -- in my opinion. It's up to you, though.

Spelling

Threw = past tense for throw
Through = er... you would go through a tunnel. xD

Clinch = to secure
Clench = you would clench a fist.

Windswept = being exposed to the wind
Wind swept = the wind has swept something

Overall

It's alright. You're improving, as Dreamer has said before me. It's true! We're giving you long explanations about the tricky grammar stuff now! However, your characters haven't developed well enough for me to connect to them and by the end of the first chapter, the reader tends to have an idea as to who is who. The father seemed to be a confusing character. The witch is evil, though.

The plot was also not too identifiable. It probably has something to do with getting rid of the queen, but I really can't confirm that.

Description will help you a lot with character and plot, so I'll make a greater emphasis on that area [as well as grammar]. Grammar makes it easy to read, and description takes care of the rest of the story.

Hopefully I helped some. I'm sorry it's not my usual line-by-line, so if you have any questions [which you most likely will], contact me!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow thanks so much for those reviews guy
Really helpful, seriously.
I'm almost finished with Chapter 2 ^^.
I hope you'll crit that as well.

I liked it!

I can't tell you any other mistakes, rather than the ones the others told you.

Keep up the good work - please!

Hey Derek, well, it's okay...

Haha I'm just kidding. I seriously liked it. Seeing as how Dreamer and Jabber were telling you everything under the sun that you needed to do, I'll refrain right now because I do have a lot to do at the moment too, but if I'm ever over we can go over it and all.

See ya!

This is an exciting piece! I really like the way you used the weather to set the mood. So just a few grammar things - I apologize if any of these have already been pointed out, I tried to skim the reviews but I might have missed some of it.

LIGHTING crackled in the sky, and thunder boomed across the dead valley. Even in this massive uproar footsteps could be heard as they marched through the damp grass. Two figures could be seen.

I'm not a fan of the passive voice in the last sentence. I think it would be more concise if you combined them, like "could be heard as two figured marched through the damp grass." Also, I would add something to clarify that the boy in the next sentence is actually one of the two figures as opposed to a completely different character observing the scene.

Two other’s sat by the fire

Others, not other's, as this isn't a possessive.

he knelt down behind a tree and opened his ears.

I know you meant this figuratively, but it still sounds awkward.

The man’s voice was deep and recognized as his fathers.

Again, the passive business is confusing. How about "he recognized it as his father's"?

“Mr. Bursoda, 200 troops is [s]but[/s] close to nothing, compared to that of the Mura’s.” A cold voice spoke, that of a woman.

The repetition is distracting. I think you can cut "but."

“I’m sorry but the only other way

“Please do not lie to me Mr. Bursoda;

Comma after "but" and another after "me." You usually need a comma after but when it's offsetting another part of the sentence, and you also need to separate a direct address with commas (i.e. Play it again, Sam).

In confusion he answered obliviously.

I'm really not a fan of "obliviously," or any other adverb used in conjunction with dialogue or dialogue tags. If your dialogue is strong enough, you don't have to add in all the adjectives and adverbs to explain how they are saying it; it will come through with the words.

“Well it seems it’s your only option Mr. Bursoda.”

Again, address. After "option," you need a comma.

“Drop him you witch!” The father demanded as he ran straight for the queen. Sword draw, he stabbed at her heart. Within a second his father lay on the ground, his own sword threw his chest.

Whoa, WHAT? This happens sooooo quickly! Describe exactly how this happens! Did he fall on his sword? Was there a bright flash of magic where the queen used her evil powers to thrust the sword through his chest? One moment the guys is valiantly flinging himself into battle, and then he's suddenly lying on the ground with no explanation. (Also, threw should be through). As readers, we really need you to fill in some details here.

“I guess I’ll make my way to Leblanc again.” He looked at his father once more, and made the long walk to the capital city of Leblanc.

So he just left the body? Did he attempt to bury it or anything? Throw a handful of soil over it? This all happens very quickly, and I feel like there's really not any resolution.

I can tell that you have a lot of good ideas. you seem to be the kind of writer that doesn't struggle with working out characters and plots - I'm one of those people who has to work everything out mathematically with charts and family trees and whatnot, so I'm kind of jealous!

Again, I think the mood was the most exciting part of this piece. Everything seemed very marshy and dreary. Keep it up - I'll be waiting for the next one.

Thanks again for all the supportive comments and reviews.

Lynlyn- I know it went too fast XP. I generally have that issue with everything i write.
I DESPISE beginnings, thus i rush myself to get threw them as quickly as possible, thus i get myself into trouble when it comes review time O_O.
I'll try and work on that .

- First off. I dislike your prologue. I like some of the idea’s you present; “Would the world die with me? Or would I die with the world?” But it feels somewhat like a whiny rant, you know? And I think for a prologue this could be a lot better. Either more mysterious or more direct. What you have here is an attempt at providing information as well as keeping mysterious and it’s not gelling.

- The Queen: You need an extension on this. It’s too short for what it is, I think. We get given some information, and I am somewhat intrigued, but I think you could have held out longer and given us something stronger to continue with. I might even suggest linking it with your prologue as a scattered look at some events to come?

- “But father!...” – What is with the odd sentencing here? Make this into a sensible paragraph before you do anything else, it was confusing to read, I thought you were attempting a poem?

- Eh, I’m disliking this segmented regime, now. I don’t like the choppy scenes and the slight confusion that comes with. I mean, I think I understand it, but there’s a level of not understanding there, I think if they were longer or more descriptive it might work a little better.

- “Everyone looked in shock, all but the women, of course.” – Oh, terrible line, dear. The “of course” ruined it completely.

Okay. I’m skipping most of the wording and grammatical/spelling errors because I think those before me should have covered it (I’ve not checked). You need so much expanding on this. You’ve got a lot happening and it happens too quickly. We need some more description and some more time. What does the forest look like, other than deep and dark? What does the boy look like, the woman, his father, the knights? You’ve not shown us enough to fully place us into the story. Well, not me at least. ^^ You’ve certainly improved, but this still needs a lot of work.

I like this as your beginning, though. Although, I find that your boy gets over his father’s death – and the subsequent happenings – rather quickly. Perhaps give him some real time to mourn and freak out and think about the events some? I know I’d like to sit against a tree and just think if I had encountered a witch queen. Hehe.

The most important thing to remember, and implement, though, is description elements. It will fix up the need for expansion and the issue with how quickly the story moves.

Much luck.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Derek wrote:Hey people of YWS, I've returned as of now, i will most likely be leaving again, as soon as i get my needed reviews. It's just because the fact I've written many chapters on a new book, and i thought they needed some reviews, and what better place then YWS.(of course!) So ya.

BTW, I'm not sure whats up with the big hole in front of all my sentences but i can't seam to fix it...sorry V_V.


Disturbia
Prologue

What would happen, if I died here?

Would the world die with me? Or would I die with the world?

We are connected, after all.

Sometime I wonder, if I did the right thing coming here, did I fulfill my purpose?

Did I serve you the best I could?

I hope that if I return you will reward me with what I desire most.

I desire something more, something that I can cherish.

Something like…You.


CHAPTER 1
The Queen
LIGHTING crackled in the sky, thunder boomed across the dead valley. Even in this massive uproar footsteps could be heard as they marched through the damp grass. Two figures could be seen. (";" may be good here) Rain dripped down the boy’s face, his cold black hair hanging in front of his eyes. Were it only the rain that fell that day (doesnt sound right), when the sun would shine no more. As the boy walked farther into the darkness, the body behind him became heavier and heavier.

“Is your life…more important than mine?”

He said to the body.

“I mean, I am the cause of all this, right? Do I even deserve to live anymore?”


_________________________________________________________________________________

“But father!”

“No! I will not allow this; you will remain here until this mission is over!”

The boy sat down on a small wooden bench. He sighed and

took his sword out of its sheath and examined it.

“What’s the point in having you, if I can’t use you?(")(put the lines in italics together)

He touched his hand to the insignia of a lion, caressing it.

“Where is the honor in sitting here, waiting for you to return?”

He (who) sighed again, placing the sword back into its sheath.

“Well that settles it then, to Leblanc.” (again, put the lines in italics together)
_________________________________________________________________________________ (why the line?)
“I should have just stayed there, then maybe…maybe(.)” (who said this?)

Tears ran down his (who) face, he cried as hard as the rain. He knelt down and shoved his face into the grass.

“I cannot save you, I can barley save myself!”

He smashed the ground. (with?)

“This is your fault!” He yelled. (who?)

“I hate you!” He raised his head to the sky. (WHO!????????)
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Where have you gone, my father?” The boy marched his horse deep into the forest.

“He should have been headed for Leblanc, but I’ve all but passed that.” (put together with last line)

The sun disappeared behind the trees as he went deeper into the wood. A chill passed his spine as he went deeper and deeper into the darkness. Looking ahead he could see seven figures sitting around a fire. He got off his horse, and tied its reigns to a nearby tree. He walked closer, making sure to be discreet. He could recognize one of the figures as his father, and his knights. Two other’s ( "others" not "other's" "'s" means ownership) sat by the fire, yet he did not recognize them. Once as close to the fire as he could be without revealing himself, he knelt down behind a tree and opened his ears.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I only have but 200 troops at my disposal at the time.” The man’s voice was deep and recognized as his fathers.

“Mr. Bursoda, 200 troops is but close to nothing, compared to that of the Mura’s.” A cold voice spoke, that of a woman. Her voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard as she continued to speak.

“Now if you wish to live to see the end of this war, bring me more troops.”

“I’m sorry but the only other way for me to receive troops is permission from the king, in which he has denied my request many a time.”

“Please do not lie to me Mr. Bursoda; I do not enjoy being lied to.” Her face turned to a frown, and her eyes grew wide as she looked into his father’s eyes.

“How many troops did you bring with you today, Mr. Bursoda?”

In confusion he answered obliviously.

“Um, 4, as you can plainly see.”

“Well then who is this young man?” Suddenly a large hand grabbed the boy and thrust him out into the open. Everyone looked in shock, all but the women, of course.

“Son, what are you doing here?”

“I told you to stay at the castle!”

“Oh my, oh my, this is your son is it?” The women laughed aloud. The father looked at her quickly in shock.

“No, please my queen, leave him out of this!”

She laughed again.

“I’ll make a deal with you then Mr. Bursoda.”

“You supply me no troops at all, just the boy.” The large man had his arm held behind his back, to prevent his escape. He grunted and he struggled trying to get away.

“Please my queen! I could never do that! He is my only son!”

“Well it seems it’s your only option Mr. Bursoda.”

“Dorgon, we’re leaving.” The queen and the large man left, taking the boy with them.

“Father!” He screamed.

“Drop him you witch!” The father demanded as he ran straight for the queen. Sword draw, he stabbed at her heart. Within a second his father lay on the ground, his own sword threw his chest.

“No! Father!” The boy yelled. The other knights charged the queen as well. Ice rose from the ground in spikes under the knights. Screams filled the used to be quiet forest. The boy elbowed the large man in the stomach, and ran toward his father’s corpse.

“Father…?” He said as he cried over him. The queen laughed once more.

“Well well, I’ll be the kind queen I am and allow you to mourn your father’s death.” The forest became suddenly very cold and a windswept around the queen and her large servant. A laugh could be heard as they disappeared into the sky.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The boy looked back at the forest.

“Who is she? I wonder.”

“She was a queen, of something…”

He lifted himself off the ground and looked down at his father’s body.

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t return you to the castle, but if I continue on like this, I won’t make it either.”

“From this day forward, I’m going to make a vow that I will be more like you, like the king you wanted me to be.” He clinched his fist.

“I guess I’ll make my way to Leblanc again.” He looked at his father once more, and made the long walk to the capital city of Leblanc.


END CHAPTER 1
Chapter 2 the Girl: Coming Soon

here are some rules you should review:

1. do not change lines when the speaker does not change. it gives the story less "hes". put some of these together so you dont confuse the reader.

2. names? they are better than 20+ "he"s

3. skipping time confuses the reader

maybe you should talk to a friend writer about some of these writing rules. remember what you did in 3-7 grade english!!!

not bad, but it needs a TON of editing

I love the story line, I just think you couldn't get away with writing a whole series like this because well, its confusing. It was exciting, and I started connecting the dots halfway through. I didn't get it when I first started though. Believe me when I saw though the stories great. *gold star* Well, keep up the good work and goog luck with your writing.