Nighttide Chapter 3: The Beginning

Hiya, Doe!

I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. I gotta leave soon, and I want to get this review out of the way so I can move on to chapters 3 and 4. ;D

Mkay, so my first thought as I read this is: There was a car accident? That actually made me frustrated. xD They were just driving like normal people. Even if there was something in the sky, would Drake really slam on the brakes and cause them to twirl in the air and nearly kill themselves? Someone better have whiplash at least, by the way. xD Anya got hurt, but she should probably be wondering why Drake wasn't.

I got a bit lost in the dialogue at a couple points. I think some tags are needed, and it actually was kind of rushed. Take your time in explaining what you need to explain. Their words didn't seem quite real. I think the bad guy would be chuckling at them once or twice, ja? And was the bad guy directly in front of Anya when he attacked (which I pictured) or was he a distance away (which was sad after the attack). Clear that part up too.

Thirdly, how did Drake jump into the cloud? I thought it was in the sky, but maybe it wasn't that high?

At another point, Anya was re-reading the note from her mom. I think it'd be nice to re-quote that note for the reader, but it may just be because it's been a while since I've read chapter one.

My last point that concerned me quite a bit is when Anya thought she killed a guy. You'd have to admit: If you accidentally killed a guy, wouldn't you be a bit freaked? I'd probably have a heart attack and die on the spot, but a person would naturally worry (unless they're really that sick xD). And Drake seems to know what's going on now. Why did he jump to the conclusion that the guy was dead?

Wow, that went faster than I had expected. I thought I'd end up going back to the story continually to remember all my points, but I hit them all! Woo! But anyway, I liked the action. I was definitely drawn in during the fight with Anya and how her powers suddenly appeared. I'm curious as to what this all means. Questions without answers! D:

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey Derek, I noticed some grammar issues again, and a few parts that didn't quite make sense. I really liked the action in this chapter, though...anyways, you'll see what I have to say further down.

Derek wrote:Chapter 2
The Beginning

Anya examined herself in the mirror. She pushed her hair out of her eyes and couldn’t help but think that; I don't know, it just kind of needed something here, I thought somehow, she looked different. Ignoring it, she turned away from the mirror, pulling her red plaid jacket tighter around her.

“It’s so cold.”

“Oh sorry, the air is on. I’ll turn it off.” Drake looked away from the road to the air condition controls.

“Drake,” Anya said in a panicked tone, grabbing his arm to get his attention.

“What is it?” He asked, trying to figure out the complicated controls.

“Drake, look!” She stared forward, paralyzed with fear. He looked up to see a cloud-like object in the middle of the road with electricity flowing around it. Drake slammed on the brakes, causing the car to skid to the right and slide sideways down the road. The car flipped over onto the roof, shattering the windows. Slowly the car came to a stop about twenty feet from the mysterious cloud. I think adding something about how the car was still moving even though it was flipped over, because I pictured it flipping over and kind of crunching down, if that makes sense. But here it sounds like it's just petering out.

The airbags had activated, leaving Anya slightly disoriented. She punched the airbag down and kicked open the car door, which was hanging from the hinges. Coughing, she ran around to the driver’s side. You just said that she was somewhat disoriented; I don't know if she'd be running so soon after being in a car wreck. The door was already open and the seat was empty. Frantically she looked around to see Drake standing a few feet from the cloud. Looking tense, he turned his head to see I think you need a different word here; it just doesn't sound right. Anya.

“Are you okay?” He spoke in a serious tone. Mm, don't think you need this. Obviously, he's not going to be all happy or sarcastic or something lighter in a situation like this. Alternatively, you could have it as something like, "Are you okay?" he asked in a concerned tone. Her Anya; it just doesn't sound right when you're talking about Derek asking something and the next sentence is about Anya's injuries. head was throbbing and upon touching it she realized it was bleeding.

“I’ve been better, but what is that thing?” She said, pointing at the cloud, and walking cautiously toward it. Suddenly, it turned black and the electricity stopped. I think a word like "disappeared" would work better here. A figure in a white cloak exited from the cloud, a hood shrouding its face, keeping her Anya; again, just making it that much clearer to the reader. from knowing the gender.

“Oh I’ve been looking for you, Madam Selina.” The figure spoke with a well-mannered tone. 'Kay, this whole sentence doesn't really flow well. Firstly, I don't think he'd say "Oh" as if he's surprised, and that's the impression I get from here. Unless you're purposely wanting him to sound surprised, like a feigned surprise, at which I'd suggest making it clear. Moving on - "Madam Selina," the figure said in a well-mannered tone. - is what I'd suggest for that portion.

“There is no one by that name here,; please leave.” Drake spoke with authority and starred at the figure with a fierceness she Anya had never seen before. His aura leaked out again,; this time is was red, which she assumed meant he was angry. What is he angry about though? she wondered. She could only think about being scared, maybe anxious but not angry. Maybe something like, "She could understand being scared and maybe anxious; she certainly was. But not angry. The stranger hadn't done anything to incur that feeling yet. Gathering her courage, she stepped forward.

“My mother’s name is Selina.”

“Oh my, the daughter; I struck gold it seems. Two for the price of one.” The distinct voice made the gender obviously male; because at first, I didn't know which gender it was, and you didn't give a hint until a few lines down, where you said "he.".

“You’ll need to make yourself clearer.” Drake spoke with confidence.

“Oh Drake, don’t try to put on a tough act for this girl. Just hand her over and I’ll go away. No harm done to you.” He almost seemed to be enjoying himself. Anya looked up at Drake.

“Do you know him?” She asked suspiciously.

“No Anya, I don’t know him.” He looked at her with no emotion in his face. His aura faded. In this I think it would be "that"; "this" makes it seem more of a present tense, and so far you've kept it in the past tense. split second when Anya turned her head, the man was appeared; it's just a little disjointed when you say, "he was", as if he had been there all along or something. only inches from her face. She suddenly felt a large amount of pressure on her stomach I'd add something about feeling pain. She fell to her knees, holding her wound maybe she cried out? I certainly would be screaming my head off, not just falling silently unless I was knocked out cold, in which case I wouldn't feel anything. Pain rushinged from all parts of her body,; it was the worst pain she could ever remember being in feeling, having, something like that would probably work better. Just before Drake could react he felt the same unexpected pain. 'Kay, you've switched POVs here. I'm not sure whether you're going with Third Person Limited or Third Person Omniscient, but so far it's been in the Limited POV of Anya. Now you're suddenly "head-hopping," as it's called, and that leaves the reader confused. Which POV are you doing? Because that'll change how this sentence is changed. A burst of what felt like fire flowed through Anya’s blood, and suddenly her pain was gone. And see how you're back to Anya again? Very confusing for a reader to be jerked from Anya's POV, where they've been spending all their time, to suddenly Drake's for a split second, and then back to Anya again.

“You could have at least put up a better fight then that. Why do I always get the easy jobs?” the cloaked figure said derisively. Just a suggestion; but you need something to indicate that it's the bad guy who's talking. Again, if it gets too confusing between what's happening to which person and who's talking, you'll lose your readers' interest. Coming in for another blow, Anya raised her head to see him running for her. You need to show that it's the bad guy who's coming in for another blow, because at first I thought it was Anya, which didn't make sense. Maybe something like, "Anya raised her head and saw him running for her, coming in for another blow." On instinct she raised her hands as high as she could, as and they collided with his chest. Um, how could they do that if she's holding them up in the air and he's just running towards her? She heard the sound of thunder and watched as lightning erupted from her hands and tore; you need some other word in here like that. straight through him. His body was sent flying through the air and rolling ed along the ground, stopping a few feet from the cloud he came had come from. Anya stood up, examining her body.

“What…did I just do?” Confused, her only answers lied Ugh. Okay, I'm really bad at the whole lay/lie thing, but "lied" just doesn't sound right to me. However, I wouldn't take my word for it, I'd check in a grammar book or something. in the man she had just killed. She looked at Drake, who was still holding his stomach and started ing to get up.

“Anya, where is he?” He Drake looked around to see him the man lying on the road. “How did this happen? Did you”?--?" or something like that.

“Yea, but I don’t know how. Lighting this is the second time you've said "lighting," is that what you meant? Because I was assuming it was "lightning." just shot out of my hands and went right threw through him.” She said You've had too much dialogue to make this come after and sound correct. looking at her hands in shock.

“You can’t possibly think I’m dead.” Both Drake and Anya’s eyes shot toward the figure that they had, indeed, (doesn't sound quite so repetitive when you add the little inflection there). assumed dead. Hahaha I like this part!

“How can you be alive?” Who asked this, Drake, Anya, or both simultaneously?

“It’s simple really.” He stood up to reveal the basketball sized hole in his chest.

“Just like you, I have the power of regeneration.” He's talking to both of them, right? The hole slowly healed and became smaller until it was like he had never been harmed. “Until we meet again, I'd add a little pause here, just to make it more of a sinister threat. and we will meet again.” He smiled and retreated into the cloud.

“No you’re not getting away! Not again!” Drake ran straight at the cloud without hesitation. As it began to close he dove into it and disappeared from sight. The cloud evaporated into the air, taking Drake and the mysterious man with it. Too much had happened in such a short time. Anya’s mind filled with questions without answers. Her only emotion was complete and utter hysteria. Thoughts of her once seemingly normal life flowed threw through her mind.

“Mom!” Drake disappeared after someone who tried to kill them and she's worried about her mom? I'd add some sort of reaction, like calling after Drake when he disappears. I'd be frantic if I was left alone like that. She stood up and reaching ed into her left pants pocket, pulling out the note her mother had left her. Examining it over and over she tried to make out its meaning but nothing came to mind. She didn’t have a brother, or a dog. The kitchen and living room were spotless before she left. None of it made sense. Maybe mentioning this in the first part, where she had actually read the note and it's fresh in the reader's mind. Her only choice was to assume Blair knew something. Blair was her aunt on her mother’s side and her only real family.

“Mom where are you?” She thought to herself, I don't think you put thoughts in quotes, I think you italicize them; I'm not completely sure, though, that's a problem I have when I write. looking at her surroundings. Drake was gone, disappearing with that man from before. Just moments ago lighting shot from her hands, and she had; emphasizes the past tense in your past tense story regenerated from her wounds in a matter of seconds. What was she supposed to think? Should she be okay with it? No. She wasn’t okay with it. The fact that these powers had ruined her life was enough to hate them, but did they really? Uh did they really what? Ruin her life?

She sat back down in the road. Her life had ended maybe add something to make it not sound so dramatic; "Life as she knew it had ended before she discovered she has these abilities. The explosions that destroyed her home, the town she lived in. She has questions that she needed answered. Maybe, just maybe these powers were a gift to help her with answering these questions. Not a curse, not a burden, but a blessing. Yes, yes, yes, very good last lines here!

Questions. She was getting a lot of those lately. Where was her mother? What destroyed the city? Who had attacked her? Was Drake okay? Where did he go? Where did her powers come from? Why her? Why now? What did Blair have to do with this? Was Blair mentioned in the note? I can't remember...if she wasn't, then this question shouldn't be included. If she was, then ignore this. What should she do now? Her mind was being "felt"; it wasn't actually being thrown around thrown back and forth with these questions.

She stood up once more, and looked around. “Well, Drake has the backpack on him so it looks like I’m out of water and food. I'd add something like, "...water and food," she muttered to herself. Just adds a little something to the monologue. Fantastic. I suppose my first move should be finding Blair and seeing what she knows about all this. The only problem is she lived down the street so her house would be just as wrecked. I guess I don’t have a choice really.” Anya walked down the street back toward town to find her answers.


"Report to Marco, kill him and get what he holds. We need it."

"Yes sir."
Whoaaaa. Where the heck did this come from? You need something between your paragraph ending with Anya and this new part, because I'm assuming that she's not talking about Marco. You could do something like this:
Anya walked down the street back toward town to find her answers.

~~~~~

"Report to Marco..." etc. Just makes it so much more clear to easily confused readers such as myself.

Well, those I would consider optional questions. Things that in the moment doesn't need to be revealed in order to understand what is going on. All those will be explained later on in a chapter or so.

whoa! slow down some much action in one short paragraph i was completely lost!
what power does Anya have? who was the cloaked man? and what does drake have to do with it? try a little more explanation! please.