Fabled Chapter 2

Hey again Derek. Just like last time, all my comments and corrections will be in bold.

Chapter 2

The Beginning of the End

Dizzy from the lasting blow to his head, Fable awoke I'd switch this around and make it Fable awoke, dizzy from the blow to his head.. The room was bright; his eyes took a minute to adjust to the intense heat Heat just doesn't sound right there. I'd change it to 'light', instead.. He could feel the silk under his tan, bare body. He was in a tent by the looks of it; the smell of cooking salmon filled his nostrils. He tried to move but his body was not responding to his demands. Fable tried to turn his head to get a better look at his surroundings. A wooden table with many vials filled with strange liquids. A big white container stood next to the wooden table, and box with his clothes lay next to his small white bed. Still not being able to move he looked around for the one who saved him. A woman entered the tent. She turned her head to reveal the face of a beautiful [s]women[/s] woman. He did not know her. How could he have not Switch those last two words around.? He knew everyone in his kingdom. He would have known a woman of this beauty.

“Hello” she said. As expected her voice was and kind and gentle as her face.

“I see you’re still unable to move,” worry was on her face

“I didn’t want to use it, but[s],[/s] it must be done” the mysterious woman took a cup from the side-table and walked over to the large white container. She pulled the cap of the top of the container. Dipping the cup into the strange glowing liquid, she then grabbed a needle from the side-table. Pouring the liquid into the needle, she walked over to Fable. Without a word she pierced the skin of his forearm. She pushed the needle threw his skin, and pushed the red liquid into his body. It took effect instantly. He felt his body get less tense. Then the tense feeling dissipated and a soft feeling came. He moved his mouth as to test his ability to talk.

“What happened to me,” Fable said sitting up and looking at his hands.

“You fell from your tower[s],[/s] . Roaric saved you.” New line, please>>> Fable looked astonished.

“I remember now, those explosions, what happened[s]![/s]?”

The woman set down on his bed, facing him. “Your kingdom was attacked by a mysterious cloud.”

“WHAT Itallics are really a wonderous thing, i assure you. They convey the same feeling as capitals do, and capitals are bad!!” his face blew up. He jumped from his bed. He paused[s]…[/s] and [s]looking[/s] looked down. He turned around to see the woman. The lady’s face was beaten red I'd combine those two sentences to make it He turned around to see the woman, her face blushing a crimson red and I'd substitute 'beaten' for 'blushing a crimson red'. Fable quickly grabbed his clothes and ran outside the tent. [s]After a few minutes he returned into the tent. He marched back inside.[/s] I'd revise all of hat to make it something along the lines of, After a minute, he marched back into the tent.

“Where is Roaric[s],[/s] ? I need to leave now!”

“Leave to where?” The young woman walked toward him.

“My kingdom! Where do you think!” he screamed in anger. He walked over
to her, staring straight into her eyes.

“I’m sorry Fable….but there is no kingdom to return to[s]o[/s]”

“I don’t believe you!” he screamed You used the same word for both times he's speaking. I'd find something else..say, yelled? turning his head away to prevent screaming Ah, and there it is again. in her face.

He walked outside the tent only to be halted in his advance. His eyes meet the sky, he could not move, he could not even blink. He just stood there, eye set on the dark black sky. His fe[s]a[/s]et sank into the ground, and his heart sank If you're going to use sank twice in this sentence, I'd change it to, His feet sank into the ground and his heart sank with them.. He could sense great evil; he knew that what the woman said was true. Still not being able to accept it he continued over to his dragon, Roaric.

“Makoto, Dragon of Legend, let us ride to the city of Rekarand”

The mighty dragon roared and raised its head [s]in[/s]to the sky. The [s]gaint[/s] giant [s]flying[/s] He's not flying right now, is he? lizard placed its tail onto the ground. Fable walked behind his dragon and ascended up his tail Combine those two to make, The giant lizard placed its tail on to the ground as Fable walked behind him and ascended to the dragon's back. or something along those lines. His hands ble[s]e[/s]d as climbed the black, jagged scales. Once on his feet he maneuvered to Roaric's saddle[s];[/s] which was around the base of his neck.

“Let us go Roaric, across our kingdom, and see it for ourselves.”

Better than the last one, but it still needs improving. You're still having trouble with the showing, not telling (see my chapter one critique) so you really need to get on that. You need to work on all the problems i addressed in the Chapter one critique and look over this one for any more small grammatical errors, too. I think i got most of them, but i'd check back again just in case.

I'm seeing many of the same problems as were in your first chapter, and not really any new ones, so that's good. So just be sure to go back over this and fix it up, and your story will look and read much nicer.

You're improving! Keep on it!

-Mays

Hello Derek. Firstly, I would like to take this time in congratulating you in your improvement as a writer in such a small period of time. However, after reading this and your previous chapter, I have decided that you can do much better. Therefore, it is suiting that I shall be giving you a very honest critique, one that not only reflects my most honest opinion, but it will allow you to improve further.

Here we go.

Dizzy from the lasting blow to his head, Fable awoke.

Can you show to us as to how Fable is dizzy? Eg: Head spinning, what negative affects it had on his head and his vision etc. You know, use the five senses and show to us that he is dizzy.

He was in a tent by the looks of it; the smell of cooking salmon filled his nostrils.

Salmon is spelt salmon. The phase, "The smell of cooking salamon filling his nostrils" is showing to us that he is in a tent. That's good. However, you need more showing to suggest that he is in a tent Eg: Fable seeing the sheets of the tent etc etc. If you show a bit more that suggests that he is in a tent, then you don't need the bit "He was in a tent," as that is just telling.

A big white container stood next to the wooden table, and box with his clothes lay next to his small white bed.

Ok first thing, what is the relevance of the white container? Why should we care about the white container? What makes it so important to be used in your story? There is no relevance to it at all.

There's relevance for the box being there, but why have a sentence where one part is relevant and the other bit is? As a result, not only have you included irrelevant detail, but you have clogged up the flow of that sentence with information that I don't give much of a rat's butt about.

She turned her head to reveal the face of beautiful women. He did not know her. How could he have not? He knew everyone in his kingdom. He would have known a woman of this beauty.

Well can you use some descriptions and showing to portray to us as to how she is beautiful?

“Hello” she said. As expected her voice was and kind and gentle as her face.

Comma in front of "expected". Also, in what way was her voice being kind and gentle is linked to her face. You have not shown that link! You have done little showing on her face to even allow us to believe that the link is actually believable.

“I see you’re still unable to move,” worry was on her face

Why is she worrying exactly?

“I didn’t want to use it but, it must be done” the mysterious woman took a cup from the side-table and walked over to the large white container.

Who the heck is this "mysterious woman"? I'm assuming that it is the beautiful woman. If this is the case, then why did you tell us that she is mysterious? You have already told us what she was, so I don't see the relevance of her being "mysterious".

She pulled the cap of the top of the container.

This can be combined with the previous sentence, allowing for a more conscise and clean read.

Dipping the cup into the strange glowing liquid, she then grabbed a needle from the side-table. Pouring the liquid into the needle, she walked over to Fable.

Can you describe a bit more on this liquid?

He felt his body get less tense. Then the tense feeling dissipated and a soft feeling came.

Again, these sentences can be combined.

“What happened to me,” Fable said sitting up and looking at his hands.

Comma in front of "said".

“I remember now, those explosions, what happened!”

I remember now. Those explosions, what happened!?

The woman set down on his bed, facing him.

Omit "facing him", as it is obviously that the woman is going to sit on his bed to talk to him.

The lady’s face was beaten red.

Why was she beaten red?

Fable quickly grabbed his clothes and ran outside the tent. After a few minutes he returned into the tent. He marched back inside.

And why did he do that? Why did he left the tent and then returned? It doesn't make sense, as you have not given the reason as to why that is the case.

“Where is Roaric, I need to leave now!”

“Leave to where?” The young woman walked toward him.

“My kingdom where do you think!” he screamed in anger. He walked over
to her, staring straight into her eyes.

“I’m sorry Fable….but there is no kingdom to return too”

Check your dialogue punctuation.

He could sense great evil; he knew that what the woman said was true. Still not being able to accept it he continued over to his dragon, Roaric.

What? Does he have like psychic powers or something? How exactly can he sense evil is near? What reasons are there that he can sense evil?

“Makoto, Dragon of Legend, let us ride to the city of Rekarand”

Why did he decided to go to the city Rekarand? Again, there is no development leading up to this.

The might dragon roared and raised its head into the sky. The gaint flying lizard placed it tail onto the ground. Fable walked behind his dragon and ascended up his tail. His hands bleed as climbed the black, jagged scales. Once on his feet he maneuvered to Roaric saddle; which was around the base of his neck.

Check your spelling of the word "giant".

Overall impressions:

I'll be honest. I did not like this. Everything in this reminds me of Lord of the Rings and Eragon. Lets face it, dragons, towers, kingdom under seige etc. It's your standard, dull and boring fantasy. There's no creativity or inspiration in it. It's just a revist of fantasy cliches!

Let's start with Fable. Fable's a flat and dull as character. There is no sense of heroism in him, no character development, and his personality is non existant. He just there as the protagnist, nothing else. There is nothing unique or special about him, he's just another random person. And why should I care for Fable, a person that I know hardly anything about?

And what really annoys me is the lack of respect and gratitude that she showed to the woman. She just consoled Fable's ruins, and she received no thanks nor any signs of gratitude at all? Unbelievable. Fable is your protagnist for crying out loud. Near the end, I almost wanted to slam my fists onto my own keyboard in anger. Fable just left her without even taking her with him or at least saying good bye?

I won't mention the woman, as she is in the same boat as Fable, flat and dull.

Your ideas in the piece were also quite inconsistant. It went from one thing to another without much elaboration. Furthermore, ideas and themes don't really connect that well.

Lastly, show vs tell. You mostly told us what happened instead of showing. Use more descriptions and imagery to make us feel more immersed into your world and to make things more belivable and realistic.

This critique may had been harsh, but it was a very honest. If no one tells you as to what you need to work on, then you will never improve and be a great writer. If you really want to be an author so badly, then take this critique into consideration and take your writing to the next level.

I hope this critique helped.