Young Writers Society

Hey Derek! Haven't seen you in a while. Okay, onto the crit. This is short enough for me to give a full one...

Chapter 1: Intro

An explosion outside the castle window awoke the young prince. He sat up straight in his bed astonished by the events occurring outside. Events, to me, sounds very formal. What was happening outside, maybe? Also, events kind of implies he knows what's going on. I know I wouldn't if I was suddenly woken up like that... Another blast hit the right wall cause Fable to push forward with much force. The boy of just seventeen Cut out the "just". You've already said he's young. Plus, this is fantasy. He's most likely going to be around that age. The just would be okay if he was five... but not seventeen fell to the ground his head smashing into the hard stone floor. The rays of light outside peirced should be pierced the dark cloud that covered the night sky and now I'm not sure pierced it the world at all. Penetrated, perhaps? Only pierced, cloud, mm, it doesn't work for me. Fable looked up at the moon;wasn't there a cloud there? Moonlight, perhaps his long black hair covering his right eye.

Fable's vision blurred, blood dripping down the back of his neck. He slowly tried to stand, but fell again to the ground. Another explosion smashed into the lower part of the castle. The tower which contained his quarters started to tilt toward the ground. Fable’s feet became numb and he began to slide toward his doom. He tried to stand and run up the floor of the falling tower. Failing, he slid down the floor and to the edge of the tower. In mid tilt, the tower stopped its slow pursuit to the ground. Fable hung onto the remains of the wall that had once been there. An explosion struck the tower once again causing it to continue its collision course with the dark sea below. find another word for tower. His home, his room, his abode, the structure, the building. You say tower way too many times.

Fable began to fall with the tower. He clenched his fist as to if if to keep himself from falling. Why would you clench your fist? The tower hit something that stopped its fall. Fable held on for his life,personally I prefer for dear life, but it's your story but the blow to the head was starting to affect him.hadn't it begun to affect him already? Catching up with him; his vision blurred, his strength drained Catching up with him doesn't sound right here. Try rephrasing the last two sentences if you want to fit it in, eg "The effect of the blow to his head was catching up with him. His vision began to blur and his strength drained.". His fist loosened and his hand numbed. He felt himself fall not fast but slow; not quickly, but slowly as if time was slowing down nice, he looked at his doom a little morbid. Try fate here. Time resumed its original pace and Fable expected darkness, he expected death, but it never came. He opened his eyes, he lie lay on his back, scales, black scales.I think you need an extra clause here. Perhaps a new sentence. Try back. He could feel scales, smooth, dark scales. A roar emmited from a strange creature, but was furious yet peacful peaceful, then a comma or a colon, not sure which, ask someone else! almost like it was calling his name. It pulled his mind awake, he knew that roar anywhere, his dragon Roaric. He looked up to see a blurry vision of a woman glowing in a red cloak. huh? I mean, huh? He has a dragon and there's a woman there suddenly. Elaborate

Fable’s eye felt heavy, he felt disoriented and cold. He finally gave into his body and his eyes closed, as he drifted to an unconscious state. and where's the dragon and the woman? What are they doing???

It wasn't bad, as such, but you need your prose to come alive more. Put yourself in his position, what would you be doing? Also, describe. Describe the room, describe falling. Put us into Fable's mind. Let us see what you saw when you wrote this. There are some nice bits of writing in here, it's showing potential.

A bit confusing at the begging, and a little at the end, but I liked it! Please check out my story!

I'm looking forward to Chapter 1 Derek! I couldn't find any grammer errors that the others haven't spotted already here. I wish it was a little bit longer... The last time I read this the font was a little hard to read. I don't remember all of it, but it looks like you rewrote some parts. This looks much better than the last time I read it!

-Kit Kat

Hey Derek! If you have any questions, PM me please! All my comments or corrections are in bold.

Book 1: Fabled

Chapter 1: Intro

An explosion outside the castle window awoke the young prince. He sat up straight in his bed, astonished by the events occurring outside. Another blast hit the right wall and caused Fable to push forward with much force. The boy of just seventeen fell to the ground, his head smashing into the hard stone floor. The rays of light outside [s]peirced[/s] pierced the dark cloud that covered the night sky. Fable looked up at the moon; his long black hair covering his right eye.

Fable's vision blurred, blood dripping down the back of his neck. He slowly tried to stand, but fell again to the ground. Another explosion smashed into the lower part of the castle. The tower which contained his quarters started to tilt toward the ground. Fable’s feet became numb and he began to slide toward his doom. He tried to stand and run up the floor of the falling tower. Failing, he slid down the floor and to the edge of the tower. In mid tilt, the tower stopped its slow [s]pursuit[/s] I'd change this word to something else. Pursuit doesn't seem right. to the ground. Fable hung onto the remains of the wall that had once been there. An explosion struck the tower once again causing it to continue its collision course with the dark sea below. First you say ground, then you say sea. So which is it?

Fable began to fall with the tower. He clenched his fist as to if keep himself from falling. The tower hit something that stopped its fall. Fable held on for his life, but the blow to the head was starting to affect him. Catching up with him; his vision blurred, his strength drained. His fist loosened and his hand numbed. He felt himself fall not fast but slow; as if time was slowing down, he looked at his doom. Time resumed its original pace and Fable expected darkness, he expected death, but it never came. He opened his eyes, he lie on his back, scales, black scales This is confusing. Revise, please!. A roar emmited from a strange creature, but was furious yet peaceful, almost like it was calling his name. It pulled his mind awake, he knew that roar anywhere, his dragon Roaric. He looked up to see a blurry vision of a woman glowing in a red cloak.

Fable’s eye felt heavy, he felt disoriented and cold. He finally gave into his body and his eyes closed, as he drifted into an unconscious state.

Hello!

I hope you don't mind that I attached your review. You do have Word, right? If not, let me know and I'll try and post it here.

Also, PM me with any questions or concerns about my review or if you've added more!

Bye,

--starry

Unless his bed is very high off the ground, the likelihood of him smashing his head against it with enough force to do that to him is slim. Maybe he hits his head on something? A desk, an end table, a chair sliding across the floor...something.

"Emitted" from the dark cloud sounds odd. Try a more powerful verb...maybe "pierced" the dark cloud?

With blood dripping down the back of his head, and his vision blurred.

I quite like this introduction, you've described the startling scene really well. I think leaving a lot of mystery around the main character and the specific details works well as an opening.

This sentence doesn't make much sense - 'He opened his eyes, he lie on his back,' (3rd paragraph, 4th line)

Also, you need to work on your repitition. 'Doom' is a powerful word, so although you've repeated it in two separate paragraphs, it still stands out. (2nd par, 3rd line. 3rd par, 4th line). The third paragraph uses 'fall' a lot too.

'Fable’s feet became num' (2nd par, 3rd line), this should be 'numb'.

With the help of a thesaurus this should turn out great. Keep up the good work.

I argee. It was very much a "tell not show" story. I also felt that this section:

"The sounds of waves filled his head and the smell of salt water flowed threw his nostrils. His mind returned to the real world where all the action was happening."

This added nothing to the story, or at least nothing was added for me. You might want to take this part out or rephrase it to make it meaningful to the story.

You also might want to explain how he knew it was a dragon's roar. Maybe it could be a great sea monster or a lion as C.L. said before me. You were very vague in that sense. Other than those mistakes I believe your intro was a fairly good intro.

Hi Derek,

If you have any questions what so ever about anything feel free to shout out or PM me.

Now, onto the critique.

...

Derek_Fantasy wrote:Book 1: Fabled

Chapter 1: Intro

[You need an article here—the or a; the explosion outside or an explosion outside Explosion outside the castle window awoke the young prince. He sat up straight in his bed astonished by the events accruing [I think you mean occurring not accruing] outside. He jumped from his bed as another explosion contacted [I think you need to rephrase this, perhaps: another explosion made contact with] his bedroom wall. The boy of just 17 [write out number: seventeen] fell to the ground his head smashing into the hard stone floor. The rays of light outside emitted from the dark cloud that covered the night sky. Fable looked up at the moon [semi-colon here: moon; his] his long black hair covering his right eye.

Blood dripping from the back of his head and his eye’s disoriented. [Rephrase the previous sentence: Blood dripped down the back of his head and disoriented his vision/eyes] He slowly tried to stand [comma here: stand, but] but fell again to the ground. Another explosion smashed onto [into not onto: smashed into the lower] the lower part of the castle. The tower of stone [what tower of stone? Where did this tower come from? You need to explain this, otherwise you’ve got a magically appearing building.] started to tilt toward the ground. Fable slowly started to slide down the tower floor towards his death. [More show, less tell.] He tried to stand and run up the floor of the falling tower. Failing [comma here: Failing, he slid down] he slid down the floor and to the edge of the tower. In mid tilt [comma here: In mid tilt, the tower] the tower stopped its slow pursuit to the ground. Fable hung onto where the wall had been. [What is he holding onto if the wall is not there?] An explosion struck the tower once again causing it to continue its collision course with the ground. [I’d find another word for ground. Steer clear of using the same word over and over again.]

Fable began to fall with the tower. He clinched [clenched?] his fist as to if keep himself from falling. The tower hit something that stopped its fall. Fable held on for his life [comma here: life, but] but his [the not his: but the blow] blow to the head was catching up to him. [I don’t quite understand this. Are you saying that Fable got hit in the head earlier and it is just now affecting him?] His vision blurred and his strength was drained. [You need parallelism here: His vision was blurred and his strength was drained. Or you can tack it on to the previous sentence: catching up to him; his bision blurred, his strength drained.] His fist loosened and his hand numbed. He felt himself fall but not fast but slow [you only need one but: fall, not fast but slow.[/b]. As if time was slowing down he looked at his doom. [Fragment, tack on to previous sentence: but slow; as if time was slowing down, he looked at his doom.] Time resumed its original pace and Fable expected darkness [comma here: darkness, he expected] he expected death, but it never came. He opened his eyes, [period here: He opened his eyes. He lay on the back][/b] he lay on the back of scales, black scales. A roar alerted him that he was on the back of a Dragon. [How does he know it is a dragon’s roar and not a lion’s? Explain this.] He looked up to see a blurry vision of a women [it should be singular: of a woman glowing] glowing in a red cloak.

Fable’s eye felt heavy, he felt disoriented and cold. He finally gave into his body and his eyes closed [comma here: closed, as he drifted] as he drifted to an unconscious state.