This chapter will be longer, for the sake of actually having people review and not turn away simply due to a large word count, I'll post each one as a different chapter, though novel completed they will be seperated differently and probably even have different chapter names, these names will simply fill the void and make it less boring then "Chapter 1" Enjoy~
My feet carefully moved around the mine that was the grassy ground, one foot misplaced and it would be over. A breeze blew through the trees, the smell of death running straight up my nose. I stopped, the gust had made it even more impossible to move forward. My next step had to be as if I was stepping on a cloud. My right boot lifted off the ground, almost making no sound at all and moved toward it's destination. It gently moved back down, a mind of it's own. Another demoic gust of wind blew through the air, just as my foot was about to touch the ground.
Crunch
It might as well have been the breaking of glass. I jumped up quickly, throwing my arrow into the string of my bow and releasing it, hoping to hit my prey despite my mistake.
"Damnit." I cursed. My face probably looked like I had just lost my favorite toy. I retrieved my arrow from the dirt and put it back in it's place. The sun was disappearing behind the mountains to the west, taking away any chance of me filling my belly tonight.
The hoof back to my camp was a sad one, full of growls from my dissapointed stomach and my even more bruised ego. The last few days had been full of disapointing hunts, something seemed to always go wrong. Deer's that turn out to be...well not deers, a random decaying tree almost crushed me, and now crazy winds. They always said the Voral Forest was cursed but no one believed it, I even heard of people finding treasure and piles of food just sitting in the middle of the forest, so why would I believe it? I guess the forest just hates me. Tomorrow I'd be out of here and be able to eat some actual food, not these flowers and berries which is messing with my digestive system. Note to self: Never come back here, ever. I took some materials out of my backpack and placed them in the forest clearing. My fire started up pretty quick, which was nice considering how the day had gone. I took one the few cantines of water out of my bag and opened the lid, I moved my head away from the fire and poured half the bottle over my choclate colored brown hair, it dripped off quickly, dampining my hair, showing it's true length which was longer then I needed it to be. With my knife in hand, I moved it across the top and the sides, trimming it down to a medium length, not to short and not to long. I ran my fingers through to get the loose hair out, using the rest of the bottle to wash it out again and down my neck and chest so I wouldn't itch.
"Crap." My frustration being at my now wet shirt. I took it off and laid it near the fire to dry, I placed my head over the fire as well, making sure it was dry enough not to drip water onto it. As I waited I cleaned my knife, brushing it across my face to make sure to eliminate any facial hair and make it look neat too, like it was done professionally and not by a twenty something boy in the woods.
The night was frigid, it's touch brushing up aganist my bare chest, the cloth underneath me barly warming my body. The fire flickered, fighting to keep alive under the freezing temperture. The sound of the falling leaves dancing in the wind, bouncing off trees, others hitting the ground. My senses were on high alert, each noise made me twitch, clinching the weapon in my fist lying under the so-called pillow I made of a few bundles of cloth. Still, my eyes remained closed, hoping to fall asleep and for it to be daylight once again. This forest, of course, was not going to make that task easy for me. Another russel from the trees above forced my eyes open, the unfamilar and out of place sound was cause for alarm. My body laid ready, hopefully unaware of whatever was about to attack.
There was a moment of silence, even the wind seemed to stop and the cold wind halted with it. The branch above me russeled again, prompting me to act. I rolled over to the right and on my back, a blade striking right where my head would have been only a moment ago. The masked assassin was covered in a number of jackets, overlapping one another, dark pants, well-made leather boots, his sword was black with a white handle. His eyes were the color of diamonds, his intent as clear as they were. The unique blade came at me again, I jumped up off the ground and onto my feet, hoping to use his miss to my advantage. The sword was stuck deep into the ground, the small dagger in my right hand swept toward his body, but was stopped by yet another sword in his other hand. My feet dashed backward and away from my assailant. He pulled the blade out of the ground and stood in a parry position, awating my move. I would not have guessed he was so short, considering his reach, which meant there was no chance of going for a low attack. A high attack was out of the question, I was barly clothed and completly unarmoured, if he caught me from below I would be done for. A rush attack wouldn't work either, he was clearly prepared for a straight forward blow. My eye glanced to my pack, which was hiding inside a dead tree about 5 feet to the left of me. The assassin saw my eyes, adjusting them to the same place as I had. We moved at the same time, but I was faster. My hand reached into the tree and grabbed the bag, the assassin was now on me. I grabbed the tree with my other hand and lifted my feet to meet his face. He backflipped to a safe distance and threw a dagger toward my legs. I pulled the bag out of the tree, using it as a cushion for the blow. My hand found its way inside the newly opened hole and ripped out my bow and the one arrow that was still lached onto it.
The dagger that was thrown at me was now mine to use, I tossed it at him, he blocked it with his sword, while I was busy pulling back the arrow on my bow. The shot fired, he was still in position from blocking the dagger, his sword off to the left, my arrow headed to the right. He attempted to remedy his mistake and block the arrow, but he didn't get there in time. The arrow crashed into his right shoulder, knocking him back but still on his feet.
"I reckon you have about two days left of life. I would run and find someone who can heal you, if they can heal you, before the posion erodes away your skin and your body eats itself alive." I smiled. The assassin's eyes shot all the way open, he ripped the arrow out of his shoulder and took off in the oppisite direction. I plopped down on the ground, tired and adredaline still pumping from the encounter. "You've got to be kidding me." I said as I looked around, my camp wrecked. My pillow was no longer useful with a giant hole in it, not to mention the hole in my bed, if you want to call it a bed. Let's not forget the whole in my bad. On the bright side, I got a free dagger. Right, the bright side. I decided that I'd had enough for one night, so I used my holey pillow as a blanket, laid down on my back and tried to go back to sleep.
Hi! This is my first review on YWS
I'll start off by first saying that you are excellent at supplying significant detail. I was able to picture every scene in my head as if it were playing out in front of me. My only concern, all together, is that after an attack how does once simply go to sleep? I don't think I could close my eyes after almost being killed by a random attacker. Maybe include the hunter's thoughts so the reader can understand why the main character is able to push it out of his head and go right to sleep.
For the grammatical errors, I simply copied and pasted what you had and wrote the correction below it:
" My feet carefully moved around the mine that was the grassy ground"
I had to reread this introductory sentence a few times. The most important part
of introductions is grasping the reader and if the reader can't fully understand
the very first sentence, it throws the reader off from continuing.
I'd suggest going with more clarity, such as "My feet carefully moved around the grassy
ground that was like a mine, one foot misplaced and it would be over."
"I stopped, the gust had made it even more impossible to move forward."
Change that coma to a semicolon.
"It gently moved back down, a mind of it's own."
Change that coma to a semicolon.
""Damnit." I cursed. My face probably looked like I had just lost my favorite toy"
Here, try and combine the two sentences. It makes the connnection easier to read. Also, if this character
is a hunter, I'm not sure comparing his feelings to losing a toy is accurate. Maybe it resembled that of a "child"
who had lost his or her favorite toy.
"Deer's that turn out to be...well not deers, a random decaying tree almost crushed me, and now crazy winds."
The deer part of this sentence should be reworded.
" I took one the few cantines of water out of my bag and opened the lid, I moved my head away from the fire and poured half the bottle over my choclate colored brown hair, it dripped off quickly, dampining my hair, showing it's true length which was longer then I needed it to be."
Whoa. Let's split this baby up! Instead of overusing comas, try
placing semi colons for change of thought or else combining the thoughts.
For example, "...oured half the bottle over my chocolate colored brown hair, the droplets quickly dampened my hair. The weight of the awter
stretched my hair longer then I intended it to ever be." Or something of that nature.
"a medium length, not to short and not to long"
....a medium length - not too short, yet not too long
""Crap." My frustration being at my now wet shirt."
wouldn't the character know that by pouring water over her head, her shirt would get wet?
As I waited I cleaned my knife
Coma after "waited". Also, make the sentence after the word "knife" seperate. "I brushed it..."
" he was so short, considering his reach"
remove that coma
"tired and adredaline still pumping from the encounter."
try rewording, more like "tired and coming down from an adrenaline rush.
" Let's not forget the whole in my bad"
I believe you meant bag
Hope this helps, can't wait for the next installment!
-Olivia
Thanks for the review! I always LOVE grammar fixes (and that's not sarcasm) so feel free to come back for more in future installations :p. Grammar is one of my worst things. Also thank you for the compliments regarding description. It's been a weakness of mine for a while so it's good to know I'm improving. About the going to sleep thing, I mindly touched it saying he "tried to go back to sleep" but I agree I could probably write another paragraph describing why he could so easily go back to sleep. The character is very used to this sort of life so he's not as rattled as most, which of course you would've have known and neither would the average reader! So I must fix that. Thanks again.
Howdy! Man, I really like this story. I particularly like the way you have paced the story. You creep across each moment and really allow the image to sink in before moving on to another scene.
So before I offer suggestions, know that I am fully behind this as a great work.
My suggestion would be to pay attention to how you play with descriptions. You use some odd word groupings or say things that could be summarized better. small things like that. Before I give examples, Id also say that some parts really dont offer any emotional response. They are well written but could use just a tiny little bit more depth to really sweeten the moment. (That being said, you know how you want to tell this story and I think thats great. If YOU are happy, then sweet man)
Examples:
1: "A breeze blew through the trees, the smell of death running straight up my nose."
(I found myself thinking 'what does death smell like to this character? Is it rotten flesh, gunpowder, sickly and acidic? ... I get that it smells of death, but Its a little too broad a term. Smell of death is fine but a touch of personification or description to make it familiar to the reader)
2: "It might as well have been the breaking of glass"
(Similar to the above comment. Its broad. Id focus on exactly WHY it sounds like breaking glass. "It might as well have been the breaking of glass, an eerie cracking sound as the weight of my foot came down upon it" ... Its a great visual, but its kinda like 2min noodles without the flavoring, its lacking character. If its a tense moment, make everything in that scene tense; sounds, feelings, reactions, EVERYTHING. any setting should reinforce the feelings you want to show off)
3: "The fire flickered, fighting to keep alive under the freezing temperture."
(I like this. It gives the fire a personality. good stuff.)
4: "My face probably looked like I had just lost my favorite toy"
(You said this character is an adult and hes a hunter. so losing a toy doesnt fit the character at the moment. maybe something like "My face probably looked like that of a child that had just lost their favourite toy")
5: "fist lying under the so-called pillow I made of a few bundles of cloth" "My body laid ready, hopefully unaware of whatever was about to attack."
(The words 'so-called' and 'hopefully' are out of place. The former would do with simply "my fist lying under a pillow I made of a few bundles of cloth" ... we understand the woods wont be luxury. the latter "hopefully unaware" the situation is tense, there nothing to be hopeful about. He is afraid of being attacked by an invisible enemy. Dont be afraid to make him freak out. I can get an idea of the feeling you wanted to get across but a better word could be used.)
I shall leave it at that because the flaws are pretty similar. I do genuinely like what you have got going for this story, i truly do like it and I mean no disrespect on your work or your writing style. I feel that it is missing just a few things to really bring it to life. add that in and i think itd really bring some color to this.
Good luck champ!! and well done
Sorry I'm just getting around to replying! Finishing up my semester and all. Thanks for your awesome review. I'll definitely work on fixing the things you mentioned in the future as well as in this chapter
.