Okay so i posted before this about a randomly generated storyline.
This is the actual book chapter that feeds off that.
Now this took me 2 days to type(surprisingly enough)
and i really like the outcome.
Please gimme a tough crit on this.
I know its quiet a read but please
I'm sure you'll like it 
Tell me if it bores you >_<
Elior Seris
Book of Alarice(Book 1 of 3)
Chapter 1
One’s love for the world
Derek, that’s my name and this, is my story. It starts on a day like any other; average day, average problems, average life. While everything seemed…average, a girl was planning something much more extraordinary. A plan to destroy the balance between good and evil; it was finally time for it to begin, the end of the world or the beginning of a new one?
“Sunday?” Scylon pondered on this possibility. He rubbed his chin, his back toward his partner.
“Yes, the day that the moon covers the sun,” he said with the raspy voice. The hooded man walked to Scylon and put his hand on his shoulder.
“If we succeed, then the world will be ours.” Scylon grabbed the man’s hand from his shoulder and threw him against the wall making a strange clanking sound.
“No, the world shall be mine…and mine alone.” He let the man go and he fell to the floor.
“Get the troops ready, let’s finish this.”
____________________________________________________________________
A white room: no windows, no doors, just a white room. A chair in a white room: a girl, she sits in the white room. No windows, no doors, just a girl in a white room. She just sat there, just staring at the wall: emotionless, soulless, just an empty shell. Nothing could get in the white room, and nothing could escape it. Her motive unknown and her quest was sitting there; to protect the white room. How can she protect a room with no entrance? Its quiet simple actually, to protect a room with no entrance. How simple is it? Well it’s just as simple as sitting there. What? You’re still confused? It’s not that hard to understand. I mean really it’s very simple. Don’t argue with me! Just shut up and sit there! You say another word and I’ll kill you!
Blood on the floor of the white room, the girl is dead. The white room has
become the red room.
_____________________________________________________________________
Derek’s head was in his arms. His face pressed against his desk. A sudden noise awoke him. He jerked into the air.
“What! What is it?!” He looked up to see a women standing over him.
“You’re lucky school is out for today, otherwise you’d be in a lot of trouble.”
“He he, sorry about that Miss Manners.” Derek got up from his desk and slipped out of the classroom. He walked down the hallway avoiding crowds of student. His locker was at the very end of the west corridor. Farther away from the exit then he wanted it to be. He marched for the door hoping to avoid his usual beating. He got to the turn right before the exit. He peeked around the corner, and there they were, leaning against the walls of the exit. It was the only way to his bus. There was another way but he would be late if he tried to go that way.
The bus was leaving in any minute and he had to go for it. Just as he was about to move around the corner Nigel Covington walked by. Derek gave a one sided smile, and watched as Nigel walked right into the hands of his enemies. Greg, the leader of the pack, stepped in front of Nigel blocking his path. They started to scold Nigel and push him around. This is my chance! Derek jolted for the door. Greg noticed Derek as he ran past and tried to grab him. He felt a force pull on the back of his hood. The last thing Derek saw was the ceiling as he fell to the floor.
____________________________________________________________________
Scylon. That was his name. He was evil, more evil then you could imagine. He was a tyrant. He ruled a place called Alarice, over the ruins of a city called New York. There he controlled the entire world; he could do whatever he wanted to.
“Did they find her?!” Scylon demanded. The small man stood in front of him, cowering in fear.
His voice was small and pathetic as he spoke.
“I’m so sorry sir but they were unable to find her” he cringed awaiting his reaction.
“You fool!” Scylon grabbed the head of the poor man and lifted him off the ground.
“This is your reward.” Scylon tightened his grip and the man’s body turned to dust.
___________________________________________________________________
The red room, it was no longer empty. Full of people, they stared at the girl; she was covered in blood; the one that killed her, was nowhere to be found. A man stepped through the crowd of people. He looked like a detective, but was dressed like priest. He picked up the body of the girl. He walked toward the wall, where there was no door. He walked through it and disappeared. The people panicked. She was taken, the girl, there protection. The red room was no longer safe. The world had ended.
Chapter 2(Coming Soon)
What Happens When You Fall
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I know i am bad at explaing things.
It really isn't a good/evil plot althought i will admit it does make it sound like it. What i wanted to show was a girl, make you wonder who she was? Also i said she was trying to destroy the balance between good and evil. I didn't say she was swaying to the good side. It could be either. I'll try and fix it to make it sound less cliche.
Also about the character Derek. I just like how it all sounds. Plus this is the first paragraph. I dont think i could make you care about him. Seeing as he is just a normal kid...well at least thats what i am saying. I'd like people to give me a few chapters before they start bashing my character detail.
Not a rip-off of kh at all. It doesn't resembale purity at all. It remebles the world before darkness. The girl dieing and the red room is showing the world being tanted. The man taking her away is showing Xioas taking her away.(a character from past before Derek...all this part is representing things to allow the reader to think and dwell on it) The girl is a represenatation of protection. Ledia is her name and she is a goddess. She is the creator of the world.
Well let me just say everytime i move to quickly i get bashed for not using enough detail. Now i am getting bashed for too much? you have to draw the line somewhere. I'm not perfect(or anywhere close to it) so dont expect me to be.
As i said before its symbolism. Simple as that
Okay i'm going to put this as nicely as possible.
I dont care.
Really thid is one critique it helped me some but just because you told me to trash it doesn't mean i am. I like the story, its in my head and not on paper. I always gets these overlooked critiques. Its the first chapter! geez
and you people wonder why i never post a second chapter.
[/quote]
Thanks Dreamer for your review.
I will change it the best i can without making me dislike it myself
haha... I blinked a couple times at that.
Name sharing aside, change the first bold comma to a period. As it is, it's like the character is talking to Derek, not about himself.
"Jojo?? What kinda name is that?" Derek demanded
Jojo rubbed his forehead.
"Derek, that's my name, and this is my story..."
And the second bold comma needs to go. Good place to pause, but not the place fore a comma.
No semi-colon. This calls for a complete colon. Change ; to :
Eek! Bold = very cliche. Great at one point in time, most likely, but a bunch of people liked how it sounded and used it too much, making it cliche and ruining it for us young 21st-century writers. Also, that sentence didn't flow well. It started out a sentence, but ended up a question.
Okay. Bad guys ruling the world if also pretty cliche... Really, they'd go gray before the year was over. All those people and cultures and laws and riots... Wow.
Anyhoo, what's their motive? Why do they want to take over the world? Power-hungry villains isn't a good reason. Perhaps you could insert something about them thinking they could do it better? And then think on it a bit and put something better afterwards. "I could rule the world better" is quickly becoming a cliche as well.
Wow... is she in a room that happens to be white by any chance?
The rest of that was good in relation to this post, though.
Just as he was about to move around the corner, Nigel Covington walked by.
stepped in front of Nigel, blocking his path.
Delete that which is in bold, my friend.
Okay! Great start! Quick note: '?!' should only be used once, tops, in an entire novel. It's best if it isn't used at all, as it's like cheating, but several times in one chapter is... not good. "The cheater!"
Also, if you go to the knowledge base, they're sure to have stuff on commas that you can check out.
The scenes regarding the red/white room were somewhat poetic, and I liked how in the first mention of it, you were arguing with someone/thing, and the next thing that happens is the readers see the girl dead. What's not so great is you don't find out what really happened to her. You say this is the first chapter, but because of how it ended, it feels like it's supposed to be its own story.
And another quick note: If you see it in a cartoon, or TV in general, it probably won't work good in a book. For example, some games can get away with the 'no, I'M gonna rule the world. There ain't no 'we' about it!' thing, but that's because the players want to play. they don't tend to care so much about cliches or dialogue, so long as the game itself is fun.
If you were to sell this to Disney's Jetex thing, (with a few edits) it might get aired. But that stuff won't make it so well in a novel, unless there's something else that distracts from it. For example, I just got finished reading the most unrealistic, cliched, unoriginal, and cheasiest book in the world, but I didn't mind because the book was comedy and it was hilarious. The humor distracted from the 'ick' factor.
Keep that in mind, yes?
good luck!
Dreamer
Well firstly, that is telling. I mean you've pretty much chucked the plot into my face. Secondly, a lot of fantasies/stories revolve aroud a good vs plot. What makes yours any different/ unique? Thirdly, why should I care about Derek? I mean I see average people everyday, what makes me want to care about him?
This seems like a rip of kingdom hearts. It's also a cliche for a white room to be associated with purity/innocence. Here, zero effort was made in deviating from the cliche. And what's with the dialogue near the end of the paragraph? It doesn't seem to flow from the piece at all...
That was a lot of pointless detail. Why the hell should we care about him on whether he catches the bus or not. Far out man I'm bored already.
And why should we care about the girl? For all I care, she should just die. There is no emotion nor any thoughts associated with this crime of murder. I mean come on, murder was just commited!
Overall impressions:
This was boring to read and there was nothing interesting about it. It's just the same cliches: white room, good vs evil, murder etc. And why should be care about your characters anyway? Describe them! Show to us their personalities, their thoughts....their emotions. Last of all, there was hardly a plot in this piece.
Trash this in the bin, as I can't be bothered saying anything more. If I had continued this critique, I think I would had raged in front of my computer.
No words that I put down here could fully describe how much I disliked this piece.
Andy.