He called me when I was in the basement...the delay was horrible. We always did have a problem with connection. Two hours into the conversation and I'm starting to realize the point of his call. Half of it is him rasping on about why we never worked, could never work and what it was like being with my ex-best friend. The other half is the pauses between his words and sentences, in which I can hear regret for being the owner of such a soft heart that he does not know how to use.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this. It is short and impactful. The only thing I can think of for advice is that maybe you could stretch it out a little and maybe elaborate on it. It leaves the reader wanting to know more about whats happening with her ex-best friend and him. Thank you for sharing this with us, it is great!
Matisse x
I really did like this, it has a lot of potenital. It would not, however, suffer entirely if you were to expand upon it just a bit. If this is based upon real life events, it is even better - like something out of an auto-biography. It could also use a bit of editing, but there is not much more I can say.
it was a pleasure reading it;
Tash xx
Who knew that such a short story could be so impactful? I really enjoyed reading this; it was short, to the point, and heartbreaking. I can envision in my head all of the different scenarios leading up to this breakup, and I think the vagueness is very successful here.
Overall, my biggest critique would be about syntax and word choice, which is a bit underdeveloped in some parts. Perhaps this is simply a nitpicky pet peeve, but I don't particularly care for the use of the word "which" as a transition into description, like in the case of your last sentence. Instead of what you have, something like "The other half is almost worse. I hear his regret in the pauses between words, like he wishes he could have made better use of the soft heart he owns." Obviously I'm not you, so your revision would look very different than mine, but I hope that was at least helpful.
Just revise some small things! Use more mature words! You definitely have the bones for a wonderfully poignant short story! Great work!