Anne, for James

This was a mixed bag. You had some fantastic moments followed by very awkward cliches. It felt like a see–saw, really.

First stanza captures precisely what I mean. I would lower–case Sunshine, and find a less obvious alcohol adjective for "haze" (I don't know, blurry or something), but those two phrases are otherwise beautifully chaotic. Then it fades a bit. I think "rivers" are too continuous/too large to reasonably describe your hair. And then "Evil heart" is pretty crude– it's so subjective and such an unnwieldy metaphor that it just sinks in emo stereotypes. "Black like a rotten thing" is much better, and kudos for the decent line.

The second stanza has more problems. The eyes melting, the lashes quivering (and by the way, did the lashes fall off?)– it sounds too similar to trashy romance language. Much too stereotypical. If the emotion hit you that hard, then I think you can write more innovatively.

Third stanza, unfortunately, needs even more work. There were varying degrees of awkwardness in the whole thing, I'm afraid. Try to maintain the quality of this theme of shattering/reuniting, and maybe that will give you something to go on.

The final stanza improves somewhat. I like the idea of frostbite, though not the actual crawling. Avoid typical out–of–control fire adjectives like "engulfed".

In short, this needs work, but you have some very solid moments. Strive to maintain those, and PM me if you have questions, especially if I'm too vague in my comments.

See you around,

–antimelrose

Very depressing ending!
But it was very sweet and very romantic, so goo work on that.
Your flow was good, too.
~WickedWOnder

Hello there, I hardly ever look at anyone else's reviews on anyone's work so forgive me if I'm repeating what they say. (:
Now for the overall body of your work.

Denia wrote:Do you remember
When my father
He called me
From green drenched
Sunshine
Into a drunken haze of amber
And he cut off my
Hair, James, it fell off in rivers
like the blood of an
Evil heart black
Like a rotten thing (First this I noticed was the lack on commas and periods, it's not always needed but it does sometimes help the reading of it.)

You held me with your pulse
Throbbing with need and
The more that the bombs
rained down, the more
You eyes melted they glowed
And your eyelashes
Quivered
And fell
(Clearly I can see your depression but the lalala thing doesn't seem to make sense to me.)
La la la la, la la

Each one dropped
You were naked
You looked at me
Fire was falling
Destroying and burning but
We were creating (I got lost here, what was creating? Who was burning?)
Burning inside

you held me between
Layers of flesh, James
It throbbed
You throbbed
We knew it would end
And it did,
You did, James
Your promise snapped
in half, my love
Along with your neck
As the flames engulfed us
And frostbite crawled into me

La la la la, la la
And the lalala thing again, this really got me lost here.)

Hello there!

Here to review.

Do you remember
When my father
He called me

You eyes melted they glowed

... I DO like it. As was said before, the descriptions are great and the writing is wonderful, but the end is a bit dramatic. I'm not a big fan of poems like that, but I did like this one, so good job! You might want to make your ending a little less depressing- it turns out sort of cliche, if that makes any sense? It kind of makes the poem not as unique.

I hope I helped

Well, it ends in a depressing manner. But it's a good poem, I like some of your descriptions:

From green drenched
Sunshine
Into a drunken haze of amber