Keep the tension low like the top hem of my shirt
Like your eyelids
Like how things were
before you hit the roof with fury
The flames you brought about,
Red like the leaves of the dying tree in my backyard,
They billowed black smoke when you found out
The phrase “like a bull in a china shop” comes to my mind but,
that wouldn’t be totally right
Because you’re not in a china
shop
You’re the bull in my china
soul
Spewing your lines in the same voice that sang me lullabies lulling me to sleep,
now screaming screeching STOP
Of course I swore to you it wasn’t my will,
That like a thief in a bank robbery,
he broke the combination with ease but
truth be told, darling, this was an inside job.
Maybe it was his intelligence that drew me closer
Or it was just that my empty canvas needed to be
painted
So,
painted with sin I returned to you,
painted in his invisible ink.
But what I didn’t want you to see the irony;
What you didn’t want to see was exactly what he wanted too.
Remember when I stopped annoying you
With those old habits of mine that you hated so much?
Well... I never lost them
I scooped them all up from where they sat, on your shoulders, nagging you and,
I gave them to him.
Baby boy that you are you saw I was pulling away you needed reassurance,
so I hugged you.
Hugged you like a handgun in a high school hallway
Hesitant... just like the hand that holds the handgun in the high school hallway
And all those purple bruises I wished were love bites
In fact were acts of your
Hostility,
Brutality
Animosity
And... I let
That
All
Go
Because we didn’t always used to be like this.
There were always people you wanted to fight,
I caught you beating up your best friend one summer night swore to you then that I would,
kiss away
The violence from your hands if you would,
let me,
But you chose not to.
I tell myself “No one understands”
I know that if I dare reach out to
you
Everyone will know that it’s still about
you
That my tear ducts,
you,
Own them.
Look at me.
My eyes so much like the ocean that he shut and bolted his window with the seaside view.
Anything to forget, he would do.
His denial breeds anger like a mongrel mates on the streets
With anger comes heat
With the release of heat comes sweat
Not a cold sweat, but the sweat we should be feeling now instead
As both our guilty consciences, they go up in flames
So stay the king of your disillusioned kingdom
Where your loyal subjects serve as,
carefully crafted memories.
You may be
brave enough to face a storm
You may not
Cower in the wind
But I,
Am of the fire
And you, just burn
Hi there, Denia. I don't think we've met yet. Well, it's nice to meet you.
I think you should say "neckline" instead of "top hem of my shirt" to cut down on wordiness. Also, I'd put a comma at the end of this line.Now on to the review.
Holy cow. This is beautiful. It's powerful and shiver-inducing. Your images are superb. I love it.
There are a few things (small, nitpicky things) that you could change to improve this (not much, but I'll show them to you).
First, a note on capitalization. While it's okay to capitalize the first word of every line, I think that it would be less distracting if you capitalized this as you would a piece of prose.
This bit is really wordy and unneeded. You should assume that the readers know the phrase "bull in a china shop" and simply say instead of all these lines "You're the bull in my china soul."
The first line of the two is very long and unwieldy. I think you should break it up more. The second line of the two uses two dull words. You use very vivid imagery throughout the rest of the poem. Do the words burn? Say "now burning me with STOP." Show us what the words do to you here.
This bit is also wordy and could be put into fewer lines (in a simpler manner). How about "I scooped up those annoying habits / you'd thought I lost / from where they nagged at your shoulders / and gave them to him."
Wow. I love this simile so much. But the two lines right next to each other make it redundant. Perhaps try "hugged you hesitantly, / like a handgun in a high school hallway"
I think you should say here (to cut down on wordiness) "we weren't always like this."
Omit "they go" and the comma preceding them.
The wording is a bit muddied here. Try "Where your only subjects / are carefully crafted memories"
Within the last line, omit the comma and add a period at the end of it to create a more finished feeling.
Altogether, this is lovely. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy writing!
This is so powerful, intense, and bone chilling. The figurative language gives a whimsical but dark feel. The erratic line length actually gave this piece a interesting flow, which I enjoyed. At first I was a little confused as to who you were talking to but I think I had it deciphered by the end. My big critique is on the is the 6th stanza.
Baby boy that you are you saw I was pulling away you needed reassurance,
so I hugged you.
Hugged you like a handgun in a high school hallway
Hesitant... just like the hand that holds the handgun in the high school hallway.
I found the wording of the first line confusing, I feel like it takes away from overall flow. I think rewording this would be helpful. Another critique is the repeat of "handgun in the high school highway." I love this line but I feel like the repetition became a little too much. Editing this would be very profitable to this piece. Keep Writing!