Pain Killers

Demoness wrote:This is the story how Alec and Jane became vampires, how they got involved with the volturii and so on... this were just something to begin with i was going to explain more later.. or atleast i were supposed to, but after reading this review it pretty much seems like the whole idea sucks.. Thanks for cheering me up!

This is the story how Alec and Jane became vampires, how they got involved with the volturii and so on... this were just something to begin with i was going to explain more later.. or atleast i were supposed to, but after reading this review it pretty much seems like the whole idea sucks.. Thanks for cheering me up!

Hiya Demoness.

Some quick suggestions before I start my review:

1) (this is something I tell many new YWS users) First, when you look at wall of text like that, what do you feel? I know what I feel - intimidated. To eradicate this feeling that would deter many readers, simply add in a few extra paragraph breaks to create a sense of space within your text. I know I'm not the only person who likes to see a well formatted submission on YWS, and surely you've seen other people format their work to make it easier for the reader to view. This formatting allows for readers to enjoy reading the story instead of reading bunched up paragraphs on our computer screens. But that's only my opinion. It's not an official rule on YWS to do this, so I hope that this suggested formatting doesn't deter you from future submissions. A mod has since informed me that adding extra enter spaces is even easier to implement than one would initially think. At the bottom of the post screen when one goes to create a new thread, there is a list of options titled Special Formatting. Selecting the option "Story" automatically add spaces in between paragraphs. So I hope that you use this option in the future.

2) At the moment I see no resemblance to the Twilight Saga, and I honestly think that you should ask a mod to move this to general Fantasy Novels. If you do end up introducing Twilight characters, all I can say is don't. Make up your own characters. Don't use someone else's characters for your own work. Fan fiction is fun, but your story sounds like it could be completely separate from the Twilight canon.

3) Lose the beginning. That plot summary just absolutely deters readers. Think of it this way: did Stephanie Meyers have a huge one paragraph info dump about how Belle's mother and father split etc etc etc? No, she worked it into the story. You can do that too.

4) You don't know how to use paragraphs. I'll talk about this more below.

Alec and Jane are two twins that early in life lost their parents. Their mother was murdered by their father who went missing after the murder. Therefore Alec and Jane grew up with a young woman called Caroline Carling in a little house in northern Salem. The story take place during the 16:th century and Alec and Jane are in their true teens. 7 years have passed since their mother was murdered but Jane still got nightmares and Alec still can't sleep at night. Every day seems to be the other one alike until someone knocks on the door, their father. his visit puts a mark on Alec and soon every day is a new story. Wierd and unexpected things, things impossible to explain starts to happen and all eyes are on the odd twins. When the witch hunt has begun Jane and Alec aren't late to be the ones burning in the fires. They are left broken and burned in the ashes but they aren't entirely dead and someone, something brings them back to the world of the living. But they are no longer one of them, the living ones.

Preface;

She looked at Alec, he was still sleeping, she wanted to wake him, because she was so scared… #00BF00 ">but something made her not.

“I’m going to kill you, you whore, you…” The voice ended with a sound of disgust. A tear fell down Jane’s cheek as she recognized the voice; it was her father’s, speaking like that to her mother.

“James I swear, I haven’t done anything, it is nothing, I have no idea who he is or what he was doing, and Jamie you have to believe me.”

“You don’t dare call me Jamie, you whore, why would I care to believe in you, you’re just a lying bitch.”

“James, I’m your wife, I love you, I would never lie to you like that, please, you have to believe me.”

“No.” was all James said, and then Jane heard her mother scream again. And this time Jane screamed too #00BF00 ">and then everything got quiet.

He was the most dangerous she had ever seen, memories passed through in her mind.

When she and Alec pretended #00BF00 ">there father was a bear who playfully chased them around the house, when James had taken them to the carnival in the capital for the first time, when he had given each of them a kilo candy for Easter.

She saw in her mind his dimples that always occurred when he smiled. How his hair always got so messy when they were outside and how mum always used to laugh about it.

But he wasn’t smiling now, and her mum wasn’t laughing. James was furious and Alexandra was crying. Jane was confused, scared and she wished to the very depth of her heart that Alec would wake up and come to her, she didn’t want to be here all alone. The grip around her wrist got harder, her eyes was blank with tears.

“No James what are you doing?” Alexandra cried, she rose up on unsteady legs from where she had laid on the floor. Her left cheek was red and on it was a scar where blood flowed.

“I’m going to rip the throat of this child of a whore.” James answered, with a voice still filled with disgust.

“Is she? Really, what is it that says that it isn’t the son of a bitch’s child?#FF0000 ">"

“Look at her, can’t you see it with your own eyes?” Alexandra kept crying, and Jane looked with innocent but scared eyes into the fury of her father#FF0000 ">'s. Because even though she less and less wanted to believe, #00BF00 ">she still though it was who he was, her father.

But he did let go of her, and instead he stumbled towards Alexandra, closing both his #FF0000 ">hand around her head forcing her to stand towards him.

“No, no, this is your ending; this is the end of your fairy tale.” James spitted spat the words in Alexandra’s face, and then he started hitting her.

One strike at her right cheek, then he put a knee in her stomach, he pulled her head against the wall, he threw her on the floor. And every time Alexandra screamed a shockwave of pain and fear went through Jane, still she couldn’t do anything. She just stood there on the floor, watching her mother’s screams get weaker and weaker as her body got more and more torn. Same time James hands got more and more bloody. And suddenly everything was over, James had put his hands on both sides of Alexandra’s neck and then he snapped it. The silence broke when Jane started screaming, and this time she didn’t stop until she felt her father’s bloody hand pushed to her mouth.

“Mommy#FF0000 ">.” Jane screamed in agony, then she couldn’t stop herself, she ran toward her father with her fists in the air.

She flew upon him and started punching him in the belly, #00BF00 ">further up then that she couldn’t come.

It was angry, so angry, and still sad, very sad. In his eyes there was hate but sadness. They were burning with a furious fire, still filled with sorrow filled tears.

“I would never want to be a child of a murder!” she said and then she #FF0000 ">spit in his face.