Hey there, DemonGoddess! I'll hop in for a quick review!
So, this poem was quite straight to the point. Minus the formatting, of course, haha. I would say for reading purposes, the formatting was a little overboard but I bet it was fun to write and play around with.
you killed me
I feel like this line is a little simple. I mean, it's obvious that you're dead if you're... shot, right? I think you could go beyond this. Talk about emotions. Sure, you're physically dead, but all the emotions are lying in the air, dead, etc. I don't know. Point is, play around more. This was too straightforward.
In addition to what I said before, try adding lines into this poem. Don't just rephrase stuff. Continue. Don't feel the pressure to stop.
I'm not a huge fan of
I used to be human.
simply because it doesn't make sense that you're human up until you're dead? I guess you're a corpse then, but that doesn't mean when you're shot you become a unicorn or something -- though that would be cool. I think when you originally wrote this line, the message you were trying to portray slowly faded. Because, now that I think about it, the theme is a little weak. I understand how it's supposed to be dark, etc, but there is mixed messages throughout this whole piece.
Since this piece is so short, it left you little room to use metaphors and have imagery. It really lacked that. This is simple and quick. Overall, it needs some work. I enjoyed the dark mood but it was a little to short and simple. Nothing much came out of it. I'm not sure what to feel? It just seems like the message could be portrayed better.
Hopefully this helped.
neptune
zzz
Points: 7955
Reviews: 109
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