King Steffen paced the same hallway for the hundredth time, hoping that everything was going right. He heard the door creak and turned to see a young woman at the entrance to the room.
“Your Majesty.” she bowed, “She would like to see you now.”
Trying his hardest to contain himself, Steffen swiftly entered the room. There, on the bed, sat his beautiful Queen Alixandrea, with blonde hair flowing gently over her shoulders and down her back. She hummed a lovely tune to a bundle of blankets. The King came over and looked in the blankets.
It was a child, asleep in her mother’s arms. The girl had such fair complexion and gentle features. Everything was so small. Her hair was soft and feathery, the color of golden brown silks from far away kingdoms accented with auburn threads.
The kind king smiled. “She’s beautiful, Alixandrea.”
The queen smiled and nodded, but kept humming the tune. She leaned down, gently kissing the forehead of her little one, “She’s as regal as her father.”
Slowly, the babe’s eyes blinked open and took in the gentle light of the room. Her eyes were like emerald jewels, sparkling with a sense of magic in them that forced the young couple to watch so carefully, not daring to give a single flicker to their gaze.
Steffen brought a finger down to the child and her little hand wrapped around it, showing so much strength hidden inside her. The king seemed so stirred by this small gesture from his daughter, “Such a magnificent child needs a magnificent name.” He murmured to his queen.
“Lillanria.” Alixandrea whispered, “Lillanria Melidy Porttannia, Princess of Demalia.” She looked to her husband, “How does that sound?”
Steffen smiled and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arm around her, “Magnificent.”
Alixandrea’s smile faded, “They will come for her, Steffen.” She murmured, “They will come for us. When they do, Demalia will be destroyed. We’ve held them back so long, kept them out of the news for years. Can we really survive?”
Steffen tensed. “We don’t have an option, Alixandrea.” He nodded resolutely, his courage growing, “We have to win. She will have to win.”
_________________________________________________________________
The woman walked into “The Raven’s Wing” tavern with strong strides, cloak billowing behind her. She hid her face behind the hood of the murky cloak.
The bartender looked up at her as she approached, “I recommend you leave, miss.” He growled, “A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be in a rough place like this.”
The woman rolled up her cloak’s sleeve, revealing an intricate, crimson circle branded onto her arm, “I think I can handle it.” She replied. Her voice was silky and cold, seeming to chill the very air she respired.
The bartender dipped his head, “But of course milady, my apologies. He is in the back room awaiting your presence.”
The woman replaced her sleeve with a small nod and walked to the chamber the bartender made note of, dimly lit and near impossible to see in. The darkness was so thick, you could feel the weight of it. She could just make out the shape of a man in the corner, eyes glinting darkly. She bowed, “Master.”
The shadowed figure spoke, “There is unexpected news that has come to my attention today.” The voice was as cool and dark as the shadows he lurked in, “Demalia has a new heir to the throne.”
The woman nodded, “So I hear, Master.”
“This is our chance.” The Master said, “We now have the fate of Demalia within our grasp.”
The woman hesitated, “How is that possible, my lord?”
“The girl.” The voice dripped with venom, “The girl is the key to the survival of Demalia. We must gather the Circle; I have had a plan developing. This time, we will not fail.”
“What might this plan be?”
“I cannot tell you that, my dear.” The Master scolded, “You know that confidentiality is my only ally.”
The woman bowed her head, “I will wait for your summoning, Master.” She turned to leave.
“Do not forget, my pet.”
The woman paused, turning to face him.
The Master smiled, “This is when we will rise. Demalia’s true king shall soon be crowned, and you shall be my queen.”
Razia gave a small nod, smiling. “Of course.” Without another word, she departed, pulling her hood a little tighter.
_______________________________________________________________
Later that night, the woman walked into her quarters and undid her cloak to let it hang on a hook. Long black hair fell off her shoulders, falling in waves around her face. Her eyes were a deep green that took in the darkness with ease.
The woman brushed her fingers through the curls, sighing in exhaustion.
“Well look who decided to show up.”
The woman snapped around, startled, and her form changed in the blink of an eye to that of a snow leopard. The silver furred cat curled its lips, snarling at the source of the voice.
A man was sitting on her bed, putting his hands up, black hair ruffled and brown eyes sparkling. His black skin blended into the shadows around him, making him well concealed. He smiled at the feline, “Calm down, Razia. No need for the claws.”
The snow leopard sighed and changed back to her human form, “Ryein! I thought I told you to knock before entering my room! You know Unica hates surprises.”
Ryein stood up, “Alright, sorry.” He walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, “But I wonder…is it Unica or you who hates it?”
Razia pulled out of his arms, “Ryein, not now please.”
Ryein advanced again, “Why not?”
“The Master has given orders!” Razia snapped. She batted his arm away, “Now please, stop pestering me! Why are you in here anyways?”
Ryein shrugged, “You weren’t in; I decided to wait for you.”
Razia shook her head, “Do you know how dangerous it is to be out there? The Royal Guard is still looking for us, looking for the Master! We can’t let them find us, and you out in the open could-”
Ryein grabbed her and wrapped her in a kiss. Startled, Razia flinched. Slowly though she allowed him to finish.
Ryein slowly drew away, “The Master doesn’t know about us, does he?” he whispered.
Razia rested her head on his chest, “Of course not.” She murmured, “But behavior like that in the next Circle and it’ll be clear for him to see.”
“Did you say the Master has orders?” Ryein asked, changing subject.
Razia nodded, “Yes. There’s to be a Circle soon.”
“What’s his plan?”
“You know the Master; he won’t tell us until the Circle is gathered.”
All at once, a jolt seemed to shock through the pair, a burning on their arms. Razia hissed, rolling up her sleeve to see her circle on her arm glowing. Ryein rolled up his sleeve as well, a circle branded on his dark arm glowing just like Razia’s.
They looked at each other, “He summons now?” Ryein asked.
Razia nodded, “So it seems.” She grabbed a flask off her side and opened it. She closed her eyes, whispering to the carafe, “Unvy gur Obiqua Pivepyre.” She flung the contents, a handful of black dust, into a looking glass on the wall.
The looking glass warped and changed. In a moment, it wasn’t a reflection it showed, but a black portal of swirling dark magic.
Razia turned into a snow leopard again and gestured to the looking glass, “After you.”
Ryein nodded, walking coolly straight through the glass. The magic surrounded him and he was gone.
Razia looked around carefully, watching the shadows of the room. Then, she sprinted off into the glass.
As soon as she disappeared, the portal closed and the room became still, as if it had never been disturbed.
____________________________________________________________
A princess now is being conspired against, her future kingdom being threatened to be snatched from her. For sixteen years, she will be unknowing of this darkness, unknowing of who she actually is. She will be protected, for her country’s sake.
This is her story, the story of a heart that’s sweet on finding home.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello,
I really enjoyed this story, it had a great flow and everything was explained carefully and no gaps were missed. Really loved it
Positives-
I love the characters, they were very cool and well written. The king was really good, I felt like he was a real person, that the love he felt for his child was genuine. I also loved the style of your writing, it really suited the piece. For example, the way you completely changed the mood from a happy scene to one that was dark and mysterious just through your word choices and style.
Improvement-
I'm not sure that I like the last 4 lines of this piece, I feel that it sort of spoiled it for me, that it didn't quite fit with the rest of it. It's your choice but personally, I would get rid of it, you don't really need it, we understand that already. I think this because the prologue would then end "As if it had never been disturbed" and that sounds cool, that's what entices people to read more.
But apart from that small thing, I really enjoyed it. You should defiantly put some more stuff up and carry on writing for this story, I'd love to read more.
I - honest to God - whispered to myself "I love this" as I read through the prologue. I honestly would LOVE to hear more. I love your word choice, and how easily the words flowed with each other. I especially loved the King, King Steffen, when he said "Magnificent." It made me smile, it did. I can't see any changes that I would want to make in this prologue, except for some of the things Junel wrote in his/her review, as well as some spelling mistakes. But otherwise, very good. I encourage you to write more, for your sake, and mine!
Hey, this is a wonderful story, from the plot to the writing in general.
First I want to get the boring stuff out of the way Grammatical etc. errors:
Right should be alright, it makes it smoother.
To should be of it make it run smoother again.
I think that you should add in her arms after this
I think went would sound better here
I think it's obvious that it's a child so this sentence seems a little weird almost.
The name of the tavern doesn't and shouldn't be in quotes.
So this whole paragraph was a little choppy, but this sentence mainly I think should be changed to something like In the corner she could just make out the shape of a man, eyes glinting darkly.
So im not sure how you could fix this but the way you repeat fall twice is a little bad.
first I think and should be as second that statement would work better at the end of the sentence.
Straight isn't needed here and it would sound better without it
I love your closing it's very interesting and pulls me in, but the way you suddenly change tense makes it a little hard to read and also this could use a little editing to make it flow better.
Ok next thing Plot, characters and descriptions:
The plot of your story is very enticing and it seems like you have it planned out well. You definitely have my attention all you have to do now is keep it
I hope this helps you and I would love to continue writing reviews on your story!
Sláinte -Junel
Hello and welcome to YWS! I'll just leave you a little review.
First of all, I like what you have here so far. You introduced the story quite well and created a lot of mystery around your princess and the Circle. I really want to read on and find out the connection between the Circle and Demalia. You've also introduced the characters of your antagonists quite well. Now that you've told part of their story, or if you continue to illustrate from their perspective later on, it'll give you a nice chance for some dramatic irony.
One thing that I didn't like so much was how often you switched between points of view. I can understand why it's necessary, and I sometimes struggle with finding the best perspective for a particular chapter as well, but when you switch this often, the pacing can become confusing. I would suggest making each section just a bit longer, even if it means throwing in a little fluff!
Overall, I like your word choice. You have a very good vocabulary and your writing style is fun to read! There were just a few sentences that caught my attention:
"Her voice was silky and cold, seeming to chill the very air she respired."
"Respired" doesn't seem like quite the right word here. To me that word seems very scientific, so it's a little out of place in a fantasy setting. I know you would still want to avoid the cliché of "the very air she breathed." Maybe you could try "her voice had a cold and silky air."
"The woman replaced her sleeve with a small nod and walked to the chamber the bartender made note of, dimly lit and near impossible to see in."
This sentence is a bit difficult to read. You might want to simplify the grammar to make it smoother.
"The darkness was so thick, you could feel the weight of it."
You use a third-person perspective throughout the story, so the word "you" here doesn't sound quite right. It might be better to say "The darkness was so thick it felt heavy," or something similar.
I don't usually like nitpick over minor details like that, but I think some revision to a few sentences would make the story even more enjoyable!
That's about all! I'd love to read more of this when it comes out. If you could, would you mind tagging me @LadyEvvy when you post next?
Good luck, keep writing, and I hope you love YWS!