Jamie Foster Chapter 2

by DeltaEcho

Published August 21, 2014

12+ Language Violence

In Jamie Foster

PreviousNext

All Jamie could think was, I’m going to die. They’re going to kill us and we’re all going to die. The little evil part of her brain (c’mon, you know you all have one) thought, Well, I hope they kill Mr. Marks. That would be doing the world a favor. As Jamie was thinking this, one of the intruders, who looked to be very regal, although no one could see what he looked like, and leader-like due to the way he held himself, walked up to the front stage, where Tom Kyprianou and the principal were cowering in fright. As he was walking up the steps to the large platform, he slipped of the balaclava he was wearing, but the other men, who were also wearing them, kept theirs on. Perhaps their employers wanted to keep their identities a secret. Or maybe it was just because they didn’t want to catch a cold. Or maybe because they were all so ugly that one look at their faces could paralyze you. No one really knew. Anyone could’ve seen that he was in charge just by the way his face looked.

When he reached the center of the stage, he stopped for a moment to look around. There was Tom, who standing a couple feet away from him, looking like he just peed his pants, which he did, considering the small pile of liquid on the floor underneath him and the fact that his pants were wet near his, *ahem*, family jewels. There was the principal and vice principal, both looking like they were about to have a panic attack and about ready to faint. Although the principal was mostly thinking about all the paperwork that would come out of what was happening. He was actually thinking something along the lines of, Damn it! Why did this have to happen! There’s gonna be loads of that shit they call paperwork. They should rename it to Piles of Torturous Paper from Hell. Shit, think of how much of that crap I’ll need to do if someone gets hurt. Oh god, if someone sues me I’ll go bankrupt! If that happens, I’ll need a lawyer that can bullshit even the jury that I should be able to keep my cash. Those dirty rotten bastards.

The teachers, who were standing and sitting at the edge of the auditorium to make sure the kiddies stayed in line, all had their eyes opened wide and their jaws practically reaching the floor. How are we going to make sure the poor, sweet, innocent teens won’t get hurt? Or worse, die, was going through most of their minds. The rest of them were either thinking like Jamie, and everyone else, *cough* Mr. Marks *cough*, was thinking something along the lines of what Principal Lamki was thinking inside that greedy little mind of his. After observing the people in the room, the man-with-no-name, as Jamie decided to call him, started to talk.

“My name is Charybdis. I am one of the leaders of an organization called Chimera. We have informed you government,” he spat out the word for reasons unknown to Jamie, “of our requests-“. Here, Principal Lamki interrupted the man-with-no-name, which Jamie was still calling him because she was pretty sure that wasn’t his real name. But you never know, after all, Kim and Kanye West named their kid North, so, anything is possible.

“What are your requests,” Principal Lamki, rather rudely, interrupted. Jamie thought that was one of the worst things that Lamki ever said, (right up there with personally insulting the school board in front of everyone at an assembly hosted by the school board. She was surprised that he wasn’t fired). The school had speculated why he was still their principal, ending with a range of ideas including that he bribed them with money, or that he blackmailed. During Jamie’s thoughts, Charybdis had turned to glare directly at Principal Lamki, who flinched at the hard gaze.

“First of all, what gives you the reason to interrupt me,” he said. Jamie had now noticed that he had a slight German accent, which was so faint that she had almost missed it. “Second of all, I was just getting to what our request was, before I was so rudely interrupted. And lastly, for your rudeness and due to the fact that you have no use to us, men, you know what to do.” After this was said, about five of the people, whom she assumed to be mostly men due to their body shape, turned towards president Lamki, and each fired three rounds into his chest, evidently killing him. Most of the girls, including Jamie, and most of the boys, along with some of the teachers, screamed at the sound of the gunshots and at the sight of Principal Lamki’s lifeless body falling to the ground, his mouth open in a silent scream.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review Review · Aug 31, 2014

Hello! I'm here to review! I'll start with the nitpicks...

First of all, you could probably stretch out your blocks of words into smaller paragraphs. One paragraph equals one thought. I've had a rough go doing the first block, but you redo it yourself.

All Jamie could think was, I’m going to die. They’re going to kill us and we’re all going to die. The little evil part of her brain (c’mon, you know you all have one) thought, Well, I hope they kill Mr. Marks. That would be doing the world a favor.

One of the intruders, who looked to be very regal, although no one could see what he looked like, and leader-like due to the way he held himself, walked up to the front stage, where Tom Kyprianou and the principal were cowering in fright. As he was walking up the steps to the large platform, he slipped of the balaclava he was wearing, but the other men, who were also wearing them, kept theirs on. Perhaps their employers wanted to keep their identities a secret. Or maybe it was just because they didn’t want to catch a cold. Or maybe because they were all so ugly that one look at their faces could paralyze you. No one really knew.

Anyone could’ve seen that he was in charge just by the way his face looked.


Another thing you could work on is making your sentences shorter.
One of the intruders, who looked to be very regal, although no one could see what he looked like, and leader-like due to the way he held himself, walked up to the front stage, where Tom Kyprianou and the principal were cowering in fright.

I'm going to break this up as an example for you.
One of the intruders looked to be very regal. He also seemed leader-like due to the way he held himself. He walked up to the front stage, where Tom Kyprianou and the principal were cowering in fright.


There you go, work on these things and you'll be well on your way!

User avatar
Poseidon
Review
Poseidon wrote a review Review · Aug 21, 2014

First off you need more paragraphs. It is very very very hard to keep up with your story without them. This is a big flaw. Practice this learn it keep it. Your story is great but I had to keep going back to make sure what i was reading and understanding is right. Your punctuation is exceptional. Overall it was great. Great plot by the way. What made you think of this? Well keep up the good work.
Your friend, Poseidon :)

User avatar
Poseidon
Comment
Poseidon commented Comment · Aug 21, 2014



In the winter months, gale storms in Svalbard can reach wind speeds of 130 km/h. Accompanied by or following snowfall, such storms can reduce visibility dramatically, more so in the winter months of the polar night. During these storms, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian