The day had started out like any other day, with Jamie Foster waking up to her bright orange alarm clock blaring out her favorite song, “Scream and Shout” by will.i.am and Britney Spears. Jamie was just your average teenage girl. She was 15 years old, with teal eyes and light brown hair streaked with blonde. She had only a few close friends, but for her, they were enough. They would go everywhere and do everything together.
Jamie’s parents, Nicholas and Ruby, had been killed, along with her seven year old brother Brian, in a car accident six years prior. Lisa, Jamie’s grandmother, had her taken to live with her and Matthew, Lisa’s husband, in Chelsea, London. After a couple months of adjusting, Jamie had gotten used to life there and had made a few friends.
When Jamie had finally woken up to the alarm clock, after pressing the snooze button several times, she, albeit rather slowly, got out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. After brushing her teeth and hair somewhat messily, she trudged back into her room to put her school uniform on. After she had finished putting on the green and yellow monstrosity, Jamie headed downstairs to the kitchen to make some breakfast. On that day she made her favorite, a bacon, egg, cheese, and banana sandwich. Succeeding her morning meal, Jamie hopped onto her bike and rode the three minute ride to her best friend Casey’s house. Casey could only be described as beautiful. She had long, wavy black hair and big, deep blue eyes. Casey didn’t have a single blemish on her and she had straight, pearly white teeth. She only wore the latest trends, was always asked to join the popular groups at school, and had all the boys, and even some of the girls, crushing on her. It was and amazement that she and Jamie were good friends.
After greeting each other outside of Casey’s house, the two of them drove Casey’s car, for she had already turned sixteen, to their school, Clove Glen High. After they pulled up to the old, crumbling building, they both make a break for their homeroom class with Mr. Marks because they were already late due to Jamie’s inability to wake up. Mr. Marks was tall with dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. He was very skinny and always wore a belt to keep his pants from falling down, which had happened on more than one occasion. Mr. Marks, who was also known as “Mean Marks” by just about everyone in the school, teachers and students alike, was also the most hated person in the school. Even the bullies weren’t hated as much as him. For example, if he asked you to get a sharp pencil to write an essay, he was also one of the writing teachers, much to everyone’s disappointment, and you stood up to go sharpen your pencil or get one from the pencil jar, he would start yelling at you to sit back down. Then he would make you do detention with him for the next month. Also, if you asked to borrow something from him, like a pencil or an eraser, he would give you a choice. Either you give him your left shoe and not get it back for the rest of the day, or you would have detention with him for one week. If someone already had detention with Mr. Marks and they needed to borrow something, he would add an extra two weeks to their punishment.
That day, there was a message on the chalk board at the front of the room with an announcement that said that there was a surprise assembly for the entire school that would last the first three periods. Jamie and Casey looked at each other and smiled, sighing in relief. That meant that they didn’t have writing class with “Mean Marks” that day. As soon as the other teenagers in the class noticed and read the message, excited whispers filled the room, all wondering what the unexpected assembly was for. Suddenly Mr. Marks was there, startling the teens that hadn’t noticed him enter the classroom. He started yelling at them to be quiet, with quite a few expletives in his short tantrum. “Mean Marks” then took a deep breath to calm himself down and then yelled at the kids to get into a single file line so they could go to the auditorium.
After everyone had quickly scrambled into line, the two friends followed the rest of their class to the large room. Mr. Marks pointed to one of the rows and grunted, indicating that they should all sit down in the assigned row. Jamie and Casey had luckily gotten to sit at the seats closest to the isle because they preferred not to sit in between a bunch of sweaty teenage boys. They watched Principal Lamki and Vice Principal Ellenberger walk up to the center of the small black stage. They introduced the guest speaker, a Tom Kyprianou, which Jamie though was an odd last name. Tom was from the local animal shelter. He was there to tell the teens about what he does, he was one of the animal catchers, and how they can help support the shelter and the animals there. Mr. Kyprianou, as Principal Lamki insisted he be called despite Tom’s various protesting, also brought in some of the animals. There was a pit bull named Rosa who was missing a leg from a dog fight. A tom cat named Jaws due to the fact he would try to bite anyone who came near him. The workers at the shelter had decided it would be in everyone’s best interest if Jaws stayed in his cage throughout the presentation. Tom also explained how to catch the animals without getting injured. Jamie thought it was actually pretty interesting.
As the assembly was coming to an end, something no one had
expected happened. The windows in the auditorium shattered all at once. Some of
the people had screamed at the unexpected event. But then, it got even worse
than Jamie had expected. She sat, watching in horror, as armed men, dressed all
in black, came storming into her school.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
Raven here to review as requested!
You asked me to focus on the characters, so I will do exactly that. I apologize if I get off track.
Jamie seems like your average 15 year old girl. In my mind, she looks very pretty. I like the touch of teal eyes. Though, the way the character was introduced...common. Many authors go out and describe their characters in the first or second paragraph of the first chapter. I wouldn't recommend that. Perhaps show Jamie's appearance little by little. Her teal eyes widening in fright as she saw the armed men. Jamie flicking some blond hair out of her face. Stuff like that will help the reader recognize your character without you telling them out right.
The second paragraph is a whole lot of information, we just get hit by the fact that she is an orphan. With no emotion, the reader doesn't feel anything for poor Jamie. Also, what good does it do us to know that fact, and know that she is living with her grandparents at that moment in time. Maybe, if Jamie had a small run in with Lisa, adding that would make sense.
Woah, those are big paragraphs. Large paragraphs makes it hard to read your story, I would suggest to break the chunks, every time the character goes to a new place (e.g. She arrived at school... When she reached her house... At Casey's house...), when the time has changed by a certain amount that it is noticeable (e.g. At ten o' clock... Later on... Meanwhile..), and, when you have a new topic.
The ending really caught me by surprize. I wonder what is going to happen next...
Keep on writing!
Raven,
This was good, except at first it didn't grab my attention as much as the last paragraph. From my point of view, you could have added in a few conversations in there so that then it doesn't seem like most of the time she was really quiet and didn't say a word.
I think for, "But then, it got even worse than Jamie had expected." It should have been, 'Then, it got even worse then Jamie had expected.' It might make it better if you don't start with but. Other than that I liked it!
Okay. Stripeslife here to review. I have to say I really enjoyed this. There are a few things that I would suggest being revised.
1. At the beginning, the hook isn't extremely strong. Maybe it's just me, but when I choose to read something, it has to have a good hook and catch me within the first few sentences.
2. I feel like adding a character's backstory at the beginning drags the plot. If this background information is necessary to carrying the plot, I would introduce it in a later date. I just feel having it in the second paragraph may turn people away. When I start a new book, the first chapter is usually my test. I read it to get a small idea of what the story will be about. You could have simply introduced the fact that she lived with her grandparents in Chelsea, London.
Really, after that though, I was hooked. The only other thing is maybe adding a little more description about the actual setting for people who aren't familiar with Chelsea, London. I really enjoyed how you made me feel like one of Jamie's school mates by giving me a description of Mr. Marks. I really enjoyed that. I also enjoyed your description of the assembly. It didn't leave us wondering with too little description, but it also didn't bog us down with too much detail. Then the ending of this chapter makes me unable to wait for what will happen next.
Plot:
Based on this chapter alone, the plot was alright. I can see that you are setting something up and that is perfectly fine for a first chapter. The plot progression in this chapter was really good and it was very interesting to read about. There were a few things that I think could be left out or added to make it better, but overall, the plot (for this chapter alone) was really good for a first chapter.
Characters:
I really liked the characters in this story. I can really connect to Jamie, as the 15 year old girl I am who goes to high school during the year and has best friends. I could also see Casey as a very likable character with a little more development. Like I mentioned earlier, I really love the description that you gave of Mr. Marks. It became a tool to make me dislike this character, weather he plays a future roll or not, and it also makes me relate to Jamie and Casey even more because we all have that teacher we absolutely hated. I say the characters are really good.
Presentation:
I really liked how everything was presented. Like I said above, the backstory portion could have been moved to a later date, weather later in the story or even later in the chapter. Other than that, I feel like your presentation was really good, especially the last paragraph.
Overall Enjoyment:
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, especially toward the end. I am really looking forward to reading the next chapter. I have a feeling that the next chapter will be really good.
And by the way, darn you for leaving such a good cliffhanger! You'd better hurry up and get the next chapter out here already! And if you don't listen to anything that I said, please read this part with full attention. Never stop writing. You have real talent and I hope you don't ever decide to waste that.
Thanks! I'm always happy to have some constructive criticism.
Geo here for a review, and I have to say I enjoyed this one. I like the whole high school vibe, and I pictured everything in my head. This was a nice length to read which is always a bonus. I love your character and I like her relationship with her best friend, Jamie is really interesting. I think I saw one error, not sure if you intended it that way.
"It was and amazement that she and Jamie were good friends."
I think you meant to say " it was an" instead of "and." Overall, good though, I really enjoyed this one.
Favorite Part:
"As the assembly was coming to an end, something no one had expected happened. The windows in the auditorium shattered all at once. Some of the people had screamed at the unexpected event. But then, it got even worse than Jamie had expected. She sat, watching in horror, as armed men, dressed all in black, came storming into her school. "
I really thought that was a nice way to end the chapter.
Thanks so much! I'm glad that you liked it.