Young Writers Society

Hi! My two cents:

This all is very raw - it's not a good thing or a bad thing. It's just raw; pure feelings spilled all over the page and I cringe every time I read something like this, not because it's bad, but because it's so raw, I can't help but to feel what the writer is feeling. So scratch what I said at first; it's raw and that's good.

The first four lines are very simple and very powerful; I loved the "rabbit hole" line (I love Alice in Wonderland refferences), but the next three ones, not so much. It's clear you forced the "hell" line to rhyme with the name, and "And you crushed my heart whole" was also forced and uninspired. Also, I feel like dropping names in what we write and publish is a bad thing to do.

I didn't like the second stanza; it was raw in a bad way. Too many emotions, not enough restrain to organize them. I did, however, love the lines "You see everything, / everything except me". This was, by far, the best part of this work.

I hated the last stanza. It felt childish, it felt like words that rhyme and have a common theme put together in an effort to finish this. This poem deserved more.

All in all, the rawness and passion of it all is not enough to make this a good effort. It didn't feel as you were trying to write something good, it felt as if you were trying to vent a little. If that's true, you succeded.

That's just my opinion. Keep writing and have a good one!

Hello!!
I really liked your poem, I was able to really identify myself with the narrator. I like how the poem progresses, it seems like the narrator keeps on getting closer to why he/she left the person. My personal feedback is to maybe remove the second part of the second stanza or switch the wording. The rest of your poem is very personal and that part just seemed a little vague and didn't fit with the rest of your work. Also, make sure to check for misspelled works.
Other than that your poem is one of those writings that so many people deserve to read because it connects with the readers, you didn't only depict something that is real to you but that is real to me any many others.

Keep on writing
Rebecca

It is an excellent poem. Emotions are very well poured from heart in this poem. It is just amazing and engaging. From the first line the poem engages a reader till the last line. The use of plain words and sentences, your feelings and your message get easily conveyed. I really liked it. You are a great writer. keep it up!!

But there is a little mistake I have found in this piece of writing. And that is when you introduce or add a new line in a poem it should start with a capital letter.
Like this,
"It's like I'm not even there,
When your games are on"

And this couplet which I have mentioned above is my favorite in this poem. This is a heart touching poem. Good job

Mahvash.

Hi , i am here to review your poem . I am very new to this site and found the title of your poem very catchy . The words you used very artistically display the pain you are trying to show through the poem . The pain of separation is talked about here and it is done very beautifully . I would also say that the content of hatred is a little high notched , its good to be expressive but its good to keep in mind that its not speaks of violence of heart and mind . Keep writing . You are an awesome poet , and if this is just your just your random poem then its really very good . Hope you liked my review . Sorry for writing such a short one .
urvika <3

Hi there Delirium! Niteowl here to review this poem.

To be honest, I feel like I'm reading two different poems here: the first stanza, and everything else. The first stanza has a solid rhyme scheme (though "Hell/Rachael" is kind of a weird rhyme, at least with my standard American accent), while the rest doesn't. The first stanza feels like a nice and tight poem on its own.

However, the rest of it rambles on and has a lot of generic filler, e.g. "you can see everything, everything except me"). There are some good bits, though, like the last two lines (though the last line is really long...I assume you meant to break that somewhere?) and "The R in her name still marks my skin." You could make the second two stanzas into their own poem, which I think makes more sense than trying to squeeze it into the rhyme scheme of the first stanza.

[quote]Though I doubt your apologies
when you scream [quote]

Just a typo correction there.

Overall, there's some good stuff here. Keep writing!

I really love how much emotion was obvious put into this poem. It really hooked me into this poem. I especially enjoyed the choice to cross out Rachel's name as to really express the speaker's emotions all through out the poem. I can't really see any grammatical mistakes, and you obviously seem to know what you're doing! Keep on doing whatever you're doing because it's working!

~g1ldv