Young Writers Society

beautiful use of diction and i love the way you speak of love manifesting more evidently in distress. the structure was great and your emotions came through very evocatively, i could definatley feel your emotion with every passing line. I love the way you speak of love as a healer, it was almost like you were describing the ressurection of your own soul. very beautifully written! the only thing i would say that can be improves is perhaps articulation and word play! its always great when poets can hide the message behind the words leaving the readers to ponder upon its true meaning. over all great poem! was a delightful read with an important take away message, of true love and acceptance.

Yes, I'm leaving my own comment on my poem. I just wanted to say that I wrote this poem for a really special someone in my life, and every word in this poem I tried to make it into the words I felt for him. Me and him, are opposites. I am a broken person with an awful past and so many emotional/trust issues, and he is the sunshine in my life who is slowly fixing me. In this poem I talk about how he keeps me safe, he reassures me, how he makes me smile and feel warmth, how he saves me from my darkness and can make any day a good day. I decided to not focus on grammar or capitalization because I wanted people to focus on the emotion. I played with words and made a poem i didn't expect myself to write. It was a short poem, because I was afraid to make it too long, but I think this poem addressed a lot of feelings I can't say I'm simple paragraph form. So, for those who read/review this, this poem means a lot to me and it's something I didn't even know I could create.

Pretty gud.

One thing I might point out, especially in the last stanza, is that it kind of seems out of place/vague when you go from sensual descriptions to emotional definitions. "Morose", "gloomy", "lively", and "wistful".

When it comes to words like these, take "morose" for example, don't just say something's morose, describe why it's morose, how it makes you feel, how it makes you see the world, how it makes you feel when wake up. Anything about it that manifests in a physical way could be used for a description. I know this is generic advice, but it's generic for a reason. Now, this isn't to say that you can't use these words at all. Of course, there are places they fit and work best. But you've written a very sensual poem here, and those don't contribute any sensual descriptions.

Hope this helps. Keep writing.

--Tramsned

'okay' not 'ok' in writing *cringes* (other than that, good poem)

Hey DeepRoses, it's Oreos here for a review!
First off I really like your title. Then as I read your poem I found it suited it. I just the way you start off your poem with

the velvet of your fingertips
slowly graze upon my quivering cracked lips
the softness of your voice tells me I'm ok
but my shaky voice says otherwise

as I lay my head against your chest I feel
warmth radiating from your fiery heart
so I curl up to hide my essence
as mine is frigid like cold

a piece of art can never compare to your beauty
you are a creation made for a god
I sit here being the deadening creature I am
just a phantom to your brilliant light

my morose soul yearns for you luminance
you are my ever so dearest love
your shyful smiles erase my gloomy expressions
for you are the lively daylight
that saves me form my wistful midnight