I sat there on the soft, warm sand thinking about her. I lay on the back of my arm and tilted my head allowing the wind to whisk my hair behind me. The wind brought the smell of sunscreen and seasalt towards me. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to rest. The waves were crashing against the rocks ferociously making it very difficult for me to relax. I picked up my head and saw the white foam swallow up the rocks. The sand slapped my face harshly, making me turn my head to the side, so I'd be protected from the wind. A group of little kids on the other side of the rocky borderline were all gathered around the little sandcastle they had all just built. They were laughing and screaming as the water rushed into their little moat and they put their feet in it and splashed water at each other. I sighed, missing the days when I used to be like them. I curled into a little ball, hugging my legs tightly and closing my eyes and rocking myself back and forth soothingly.
She was the greatest and I knew it. Everyone did. I turned on my stomach and let out a depressed sigh. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. Suddenly, I silhouette formed over me, blocking the sun from my face. The shade felt pleasant after being in the sun for so long. It felt soothing and relaxing, exactly what I needed right now. I didn’t want the shadow to move but it came and sat down next to me.
“Hey. What’s the matter?” he asked in a smooth tone.
It was Ryan, one of the most amazing people you could ever meet on the universe. At least that’s what I thought. Not only was he good looking but he was strong and tough on the outside yet kind of sensitive and sympathetic on the inside. I’d only known him for four and a half months but it seemed like it’d been two years. Jaclyn decided to get us together since her boyfriend, Mike Felton, was Ryan’s best friend. She thought it would be almost perfect if we both went out and we could do double dates and everything. She said we were such a convenient couple since her boyfriend and mine were best friends and that we were too. I was okay with it only because I knew who Ryan was and he was seventeen, which was perfect for me because we all are seventeen so we wouldn’t feel awkward about anything.
I said yes to him as soon as he asked me out, each word coming out of his lips sounding clear and precise like he really meant it and not doing Mike a favor. To tell you the truth, I said yes mostly because I wanted to make Jaclyn happy, I know it sounds nasty but I really didn’t mean it to be that way. I had to admit though he was gorgeous. I didn’t know his personality so well since we never actually had a real conversation at school, only talking once in a while about school and sports, and I was worried that it would be a problem because what would happen if he ended up being rude and obnoxious or boring or not someone I liked, but I gave him a chance and that might had just been the best thing I have ever done.
He had russet colored hair that went perfectly with his Hollywood tan. His hair was not short though, a little long, his bangs always swept to the side. His eyes were a deep blue and if I ever really looked into them I felt as if I was swimming in some magnificent waterway in some magical place. His dimples. Don’t get me started with those dimples of his. They give him the reason why people love him so much. They’re just so, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain it. His muscles are huge but they’re not too over powerful where it takes the effect of the rest of his body away. Knowing him he could be superman. My superman.
“Hey Ry, I'm just trying to rest for a bit, at least. I haven't been able to sleep well in such a long time, especially for the last month. ” I got out of position and rested my head on his broad shoulders. He smelled my wavy, dark brown hair as it flowed back from the strong wind of the ocean.
“Look, Maddie I understand you’re upset I mean after all she was your best friend,” he looked up at me right then with his puppy-dog eyes, which always worked like a charm with me. “I mean everyone knows that. I’m not saying move on and forget her because that would be wrong, but you know that she wouldn’t want you to be suffering. C’mon, hang out with us. I promise you it'll be fun. I miss her too and so does everybody else it’s not that we don’t, but we all miss not having you around anymore, hanging with us and having a lot of fun like you used to. Now you’re just always so miserable,” he lifted up my chin “you know I’m right.”
I shook my head out of his palm.
“How would you know what I feel like? Jaclyn was my best friend! What don't you understand?" I questioned furiously. "She wasn’t just anybody, I thought you would know that, she meant a lot more than that. You'll never be able to understand the torture I go through everyday. You don't know anything, Ryan. How could I not be miserable,” I air quoted the word miserable as I rolled my eyes. I was not miserable. Of course I was upset but I wasn’t acting pathetic like Ryan thought I was. It was hard on everybody, but it was the worst for me. I wasn’t going to hold myself in self-pity; I just thought I needed time to express my feelings. I’d get over it in my own time, no matter how long that took. “if I knew that she would save me, and I couldn’t do that for her? She saved me once, Ryan, and I never repaid her. How would you feel if, lets say, Mike saved your life and then when it was time for you to save his you didn’t?”
“I guess I would be upset. But Maddie, that’s not the point!” He hit his fist against the palm of his other hand. “You couldn’t save her, no one could. Don’t you understand?” He grabbed my shoulders and looked deep into my golden eyes, making me fell awkward and forcing me to look downward at the blue and green striped towel we were sitting on.
I ignored Ryan’s question. I knew he was right, but I never could tell myself that. “Oh come on! You would be devastated wouldn’t you? I just don’t feel like I can do anything without her here. It’s not the same; it’ll never be the same.”
He nodded his head “You know what. You’re right. I’m just going to go back to the game, because as you can see they all want me back. But I’m sure they’re just calling you, not me. They really want you to join the game. Don’t make them feel so bad, oh and don’t forget about me either.” He looked back at me as he got up and smiled and then looked at me with his sad blue eyes and a pouted mouth.
“Alright Ryan.”
“You’re coming to play? Well, only if you want to.” he asked ecstatically
“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll join you guys later. Have fun okay?”
“Promise? Okay, I’ll try as hard as I can but it won’t be nearly as fun when you’re not there.” he said trying to be as convincing as he possibly could. I knew he just wanted me to enjoy myself for one day during the last few months, but it was complicated and harder than he thought.
“I promise you I’ll join in a little later alright? I’m a bit tired so I’ll join in about half an hour?”
He nodded his head, bent down to kiss my cheek, and left.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thanks for the critque!! It was really helpful and I'll change it the best I can. :]
Well I have a bit more to the chapter but I didn't get to submit it yet...
You really helped alot.. Thanks :]
Dee Dee E
What do you mean you don't have any reviews? That will not do!
You lay with your head upside down? How would that work? Perhaps she tilted her head back, and what did the wind feel like? Be sure to include more sensory imagery; that's smell, touch, taste, sound, sight. And when you use similes, you can use them to reflect character. Perhaps she trees the rocks as scattered bones, like her friend? I'm not sure, but do see what I mean?
You've got a few more errors like this--they can be easily amended with a simple proofread or two.
Dialogue
Your all off with your dialogue punctuation. I could go through and note all the mistakes but it'll take too long. Go ahead and see what you're doing wrong here.
Now, with the exception of your commas out of place (as seen below), there's just the worry of two robots sitting on a beech. I mean, who talks like this:
It's far too narrative and simple. These reads more as boring thoughts than anything else--don't tell us, show! Make her angry and the mention of the name, let us feel the guilt flowing through us.
Tenses
You've made a few errors with tenses that are easy to make, but hard to notice. Would it be I "have" ever or done or "had" ever done? Considering this is in past tense. This goes in nicely with you character, who I am still very muddled up about.
Showing Us a Viewpoint
Who calls a friend by their first and second names? Remember that you are telling the story through your character, essentially to your character, in fact. Think of us and the spectators (but not too much--we need to be in with the story), we should discover the information throughout and that everything said is in fact the opinion of your character. Let's take an example:
As lovely a description as this is, you actually mean what I have put in bold instead of "you", because that's addressing the reader and I don't think fits in this case. Also stuck in a comma to assist the flow somewhat. Furthermore, when you write, think about what your characters would find noteworthy. If it's relevant to how your character feels, it affects the viewpoint and then how the reader interprets the story.
Sort out those commas too! I found this instance relatively humorous:
How nasty. He knows nothing and is merely hanging around.
Okies.
That was well-written, and by far not bad. In particular, your pacing was excellent and there were some lovely descriptions. But the thing that concerns me the most is that, if this is your first chapter, why so dull and slow? It was nice for something perhaps a paragraph on, where the descriptions come in handy for exploring character, but, as first chapters go, it wasn't very tasteful. Throw us into something more action-packed. I'd say a nightmare with the girl in it, or whatever.
Hope I helped!
Blinky