To Die a Child

lordgluzman wrote:OK........Um not bad, but too short and the rhyming wasn't the best but the theme was good.
So basically you have a really good imagination you just need to improve you rhyming and you have to make it longer. But still not bad!

OK........Um not bad, but too short and the rhyming wasn't the best but the theme was good.
So basically you have a really good imagination you just need to improve you rhyming and you have to make it longer. But still not bad!

I like it. It's really sad and depressing, but it's clever and the rhymes don't seem forced. It flows, man.

I wasn't so sure about the use of the word 'handsome', because doesn't that mean attractive? You have poetic license, but there are many words you could use instead of it, so I'm not sure...It doesn't help the rhyme.

Forlorn is such a great word. And I loved the imagery; "turns, churns and rots with age." Wow. Like, powerful much.

So, to conclude, out of a 100 word poem, I liked 99 words of it. Wahay. Victory be yours.
xxx

Hey there! I haven't seen you before on the site so I thought I'd offer my thoughts.

As anti-pop says, this is extremely well-written. For a first poem, your craft is highly developed. I particularly liked, in addition to the parts that the previous reviewer highlighted:

"To escape the body would be a handsome feat" (the use of the adjective 'handsome' is unusual and suggests that speaker treats death romantically, as a means of escaping the dreary loneliness of the world. You can tell I'm doing English Literature for A level!)

and:

"Love, life, short breath... Forlorn." (clipped rhythm differs from the rest of the piece and the end on "Forlorn" is definite, suggesting that death too is finite. Ellipsis well-placed)

Overall, I enjoyed this and apart from the few problems that anti-pop perceptively pointed out, I have nothing else to say. Keep writing!

Gahks

9/10

Thank you very much for a kind first reply. I appreciate your compliments and found your criticism constructive.

I've particularly taken into account what you said about the word "churns" and may consider cutting it. As for what you said about the other line I realize it may seem like a mouthful upon first reading it but I believe rhythm increases in importance when the poetry is read aloud, in which it seems to fit. I've based a lot of it on the work of John Keats and would recommend the following poems from which I drew inspiration:

"When I Have Fears That I May Cease To Be"
"To One Who Has Been Long in City Pent"
"Bright Star! Would I Were Steadfast As Thou Art"

P.S Would your username be a Primus reference by any chance?

DeathofaNaturalist wrote:To Die a Child

for John Keats

To die a child would be a martyr's death,
Burning out in youthful blaze, (I love this)
Free of love, life and shortening breath
And fading out in decaying haze.
To escape the body would be a handsome feat,
Before it turns, churns and rots with age, (I think this line would be better off without 'churns')
Per chance to wallow among some elite
Figure whose soul lies steadfast in a teeming page. (This line is too long and disrupts the flow of the poem. Maybe you could remove 'steadfast'?)
And as my darkest hour draws near,
Molesting innocence and drowning joy, (This is a very well-written line)
My heart cries out to once more hear
The notes of Philomel and beautiful boy;
A world from whence I'll soon be torn,
Love, life, short breath... Forlorn.

25 October 2008