Blodwyn glanced around the room from her prison: a suspended bird cage.It was amazing that her captor had found a cage that she couldn't just squeeze between the bars to escape. All Blodwyn remembered was that a human had come. Nothing remained of her memory after that. Blodwyn glanced about the stark space once more. Her raven black hair tickling her chin, it's under layer of white peeking through the black. Where the hey am I? Blodwyn thought with worry. One moment she'd been tending her flower beds in her home Garden, listening to the soft whisper of the sea in the distance and watching the pixie children around her play with a new sapling tree. Now, Blodwyn was here. In a cold room without any plant growth in sight. Not even a lonely potted plant in a forgotten corner. How could the owner of this sad space thrive here? It made little sense to a pixie who flourished on plants and tending to them. Along with family and close friends.
Fear descended like a shroud around Blodwyn at the thought that her family and friends could be in this horrid place. Blodwyn closed her eyes. Letting her thoughts drift as she searched the building with her Aura Sight. Aura Sight was the way pixies found eachother in buildings. It allowed a pixie to see auras through walls and allowed them to search for fallen comrades on a battle field should the fallen pixie be too injured to call out. Blodwyn was the second strongest Aura Sight pixie in her family line. Her great-great-great-grandmother had been the first to show an affinity for Aura Sight. Blodwyn had been blessed to have the same characteristics as her three times great grandmother. Her hair was similar to her three times great grandmother, only it was the opposite of the dead woman's.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, so this is immediately quite intriguing to see that this is meant to be a pixie, which isn't to something that I personally have read a lot of from....and then of course, this pixie unlike most pixies you run into in stories, was kidnaped from here home and imprisoned in what appears to be a pretty cramped and quite uncomfortable cage. It looks like the pixie here is also primary confused as opposed to scared or angry or any of the other emotions associated with a situation like this one, so that is an interesting detail to note, perhaps said pixie simply has no idea what being caught like this could entail.
Yeah, that one started out by getting a bit interesting and starting to dive into how the pixie was feeling, but then things just kind of took and turn and went off on a random tangential info dump that really seems to be taking this story nowhere. I like those first couple of lines with fear finally settling one once the confusion is over and this one trying to reach out and see if any of her family is nearby, but that ending, while it is an interesting piece of information, beyond those first couple of lines that are actually helpful to understanding things, is just unrelated and feels very unnecessary to be mentioned in that much detail there.
Overall, it seems like a solid premise here, certainly interesting enough that I'd totally keep reading here, there's only that one tiny issue there at the end where things go off on a bit of a tangent.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Deathcurrent!
I'm assuming this story is the beginning of a longer story, and so I can't really comment on the plot except to say that I want to read more. But I do have some suggestions for you writing wise, so here we go!
This seems out of place - having just been kidnapped and trapped in a birdcage, I doubt Blodwyn would be using the word 'amazing' to describe her captor! Maybe try and phrase so that it sounds more like she's worried - maybe she tries to squeeze through, and can't, etc.
This is really good description! But I really want to know what she can see around her at present. What does the room she's in look like/smell like/feel like/taste like? Otherwise, it's hard to get into your story, because I can't picture the scene.
Nice character development.
Regarding the last part, it's nice to know some history about Blodwyn - but not now! This scene should be high in suspense - she's been pixie-napped, doesn't know where she is or if her family/friends are there, doesn't know who's taken her, and doesn't know how to get out. But the reader won't feel that if you're writing about plants and hair and her grandmother, because that just takes us out of the scene again. Does that make sense?
Also, the names! Names can be so difficult sometimes. Blodwyn sounds like a Welsh name though, so you could use other Welsh names for her friends. My favourite female Welsh names are Eleri, Ffion, Aderyn, and Gwenyth, and my favourite male ones are Aled, Huw (pronounced like Hugh) and Sawyl. But you can also google it and there will be tons more.
Good luck!
Carrie
Hi
How about starting the story with her getting captured? Like how EXACTLY she got captured? Then you can go on my starting with the description of the room, ending with the cage. Then you can write Blodwyn's thoughts maybe...
Just an idea!
-Angelreader77
You know when you have a really great story going, but you can't figure out the names of the characters? I have that problem more often than not. SOOOOOOO....
I need help with names for Blodwyn's friends as well as how to start of this bit; rather than just throwing Blodwyn into this situation without much background. Any ideas on how to continue and start, along with names, would be greatly appreciated.
THANKS!
Deathcurrent