Published June 7, 2009
When I look upon your eyes I see love in the sky's.
When I look into your heart I see through the dark.
When I look upon your lips I see a single kiss.
As I am smitten with a love so divine I'll hope that one day you will be mine.
~ Jynni
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hello!
Okayyy, overall, a good poem. It flows, but yes, just kind of hits a dead end which is not such a good thing. Where you running out of stuff to say, or just felt like ending it there? Either way, you can never have a too-long poem in my opinion. I didn't feel as if there was enough emotion in this poem. It was a little too bland. Yes, the reader will understand you like the person, but if i'm correct, you're trying to say your deeply in love?
Otherwise, Wonderful! Can't wait for more poems!!
~*Hailey, <3
This was good.
It was very simple, however. I can understand why you may not want to expand on this much more. I can say I'm like that with some pieces. However, I do think that some more imagery or something could perfect this.
I'd also advise breaking up the last line after "devine" and making "I'll hope that one day you will be mine" it's own separate line.
That's all I have for now.
PM me if you need any more help!
-Jocelyn.
Hello Deathrose13,
I'm happy to welcome you into YWS. Theres only one rule here. You have to review two other pieces of work before you post a piece of your own. This is to ensure that every's wpork is reviewed. If you have any questions please feel free to pm me:) I would be happy to give you pieces to review
Also this piece does need to be in stanza form. It's hard to read the way it is. Also it doesnt like very poetic if its just in a straight line.
As for the content The stops after you stop saying when I... um maybe you should change it to When I am smitten with love so divine I'll hope that some day you'll be mine. Just a thought, it is your work so you don't have to use that.
Hope that helps and please pm if you have any questions at all:)
Much encouragement,
-Tiffany
Ok, I am going to review it anyway haha sorta.
Ok I will Like this if you write it in stanzas like gamechanger10 said.
I like how it flows, but it just kinda stops.
After you are his or whatever then what is it just perfect or something?
It needs more, I mean I like how it ends, but I just think it leaves a cliff.
I don't know about puncuation, because well it's not in stanza form.
When you rewrite it, if you do, pm me as well.
I'd suggest to reformat this so that it's in proper stanzas.
I doubt many people will review it when it isn't exactly poetry in its current state.
PM me when it's changed, and I'd be pleased to review it.