Young Writers Society

[quote=]Death follows you like the wind(.)
()you never here* it(,)<--- It should be "hear" the other one indicates location and delete the gap at the beginning as well as capitalize it.
you never see it(.)
(Y)ou never feel it
until it(')s next to you.
[/quote]

Sorry I couldn't help much with this poem. I have to eat dinner so I made it quick >< Since it seems you're into darker poems, why don't you check this one out
Click Here

It took a lot of work, but I think it was worth it.

Welcome to YWS by the way Glad to see a new member. Don't forget to introduce yourself in the welcome forum ^^
-Shina

I want this to be more immediate. Death is, Love is, Hope is. Repetition just makes it more inane. Defining an abstract concept like this has been done to, well, death. The reason to use "is" is to create direct strong metaphor, which you may have used, except you punk out with simile "like".

First of all,
"Death is the stalker of the universe. It follows you everwhere. You can never escape it. It breathes, it lives, it kills. "
All I'm getting is an 1980s slasher villain right now. Or the guy in the Scream mask, minus the scary sudden music.

"Death follows you like the wind... you never here it... you never see it... you never feel it... untill it;s next to you. "Death is the color of darkness and blood. You see them when it's day, you see them when it's night, you see them when you blind, you see them when you not. "
I grouped these together because they have the same fundamental lack of the glue of analogy. They group qualities of death under an analogy that does not sustain them. Death may chase and be impalpable, but wind rarely does chase people around, and it can be felt and heard over quite a long ways away depending on its strength. Colours are perceived, being a purely visual anomaly, the rhetoric of timbre excluded, even if they are the colour of blood and darkness, and you have already defined death as something hard to see until the fatal force, contradicting this sickness and in health consistency.


"Death is frozen like an ice cube that never melts."
Vaguely more evocative imagery, and less cliched, if not revolutionary.

"Death touches you with its icy grip when it comes to claim you for its own. No one escapes death forever, though you might escape for a moment. "

Icy grip? Really? Now I've just got the Monty Python "And you Englishman you're all so pompous, none of you have got any balls" Death.

"Death is light, death is darkness. Death and life are complete oppisites and yet they are exactly the same."

No imagery to back it up, just manichean triteness.

This frustrates me. I see nothing of you. I see line after line of cartoon mythology, with no genuine emotion. What is your experience of death? What gives you license to define death? How is it death affects you?
You have an original mind, you have a unique perspective, you are capable of every human sensation and capable of embodying it. Don't just write what you think people want to hear, the way you see your friends write in class. You have a gift, do not, do not waste it on the canon of cliche and superficial pathos.

Hi Rose! I'm Jon!

Death follows you like the wind... you never here it... you never see it... you never feel it... untill it;s next to you.

Death is the stalker of the universe. It follows you everywhere.

You can never escape it. It breathes, it lives, it kills. Death is the color of darkness and blood. You see them when it's day, you see them when it's night, you see them when you blind, you see them when you not.

Death is frozen like an ice cube that never melts. Death touches you with its icy grip when it comes to claim you for its own. No one escapes death forever, though you might escape for a moment. Death is light, death is darkness. Death and life are complete oppisites and yet they are exactly the same.

Besides what is written above I like this, so keep writing.

Hi. This flows well and progresses nicely from beginning to end.

First I'd fix the layout of this so that it looks like a poem on the page. Maybe something like this;

"Death follows you like the wind
... you never here it...
you never see it...
you never feel it...
untill it;s next to you.

Death is the stalker of the universe.
It follows you everwhere.
You can never escape it.
It breathes, it lives, it kills.
Death is the color
of darkness and blood.
You see them when it's day,
you see them when it's night,
you see them when you blind,
you see them when you not.
Death is frozen
like an ice cube that never melts.
Death touches you with its icy grip
when it comes to claim you for its own.
No one escapes death forever,
though you might escape for a moment.
Death is light, death is darkness.
Death and life are complete oppisites
and yet they are exactly the same."

Then I'd click the spell check button to catch misspellings and typos. Click on the highlighted words and you'll be given a list of possible corrections.

I'd also change "you blind" and "you not" to "you're."

I wouldn't repeat "Death is" so much as it doesn't really add anything to the poem.

I think it could be interesting to rewrite this, showing rather than telling. Instead of saying "Death is frozen", for example, try inventing a character, put them into contact with death, and relate what happens through imagery.

Hope this helps.

Jas