Morning comes,
up rises the sun.
Morning ends,
down the loving star falls
weeping as a blackened sky
covers our eyes and hearts.
The Moon,
The Moon takes the heart's place
in the Heavens high above,
casting down a dim illumination
on our empty, concrete earth.
Dull and Cracked the stones of
our ancestors and of their
blind descendants cover what once
was green with the black and
the grey of a dying time.
Lost in the suffocating smog
there is nothing we can do but
follow the echoes of a broken
clock's ticking,
weeping at the realization
it is too late to stop the
destruction we have set free
on what once was a beautiful
canvas,
A masterpiece formed from life
and light.
Too late to stop we remain
blindly running through the
maze,
trying to find the way to the
prize, trying to reach the
rumored fruit of truth,
the rumored answer to all
things unknown.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Dearws,
This is a nice concept to a poem, however my immediate thought was that there really wasn't anything new that was brought in, since this idea has been done to death. Take your first stanza few lines for example, "Morning comes / up rises the sun" -- it's almost redundant, isn't it? We all know the sun rises in the morning, just like we all know the sun sets when night arrives. What I liked about this transition though was the mood/atmosphere that you're evoking. Even with the imagery of this bright sun, there's still this somber tone throughout the poem and you did a great job staying consistent with it. It added a darkness to this piece, I especially loved the lines about the cracked earth. Here, I think your poem was at its strongest.
Some suggestions for improvement though would be to polish up and remove some of the more redudant lines/words. Remember: say it once, say it right. Also, your rhythm/meter, try to read it aloud and catch anything that trips you up as you're reading. I found quite a few awkward phrases where I had to stop and re-read, like for example "Too late to stop we remain / blindly running through the / maze." Maybe if you swap the sentence around: "We run blindly through the maze, too late to stop" It might make more sense?
Also, watch your line breaks. PLEASE! Every decision in poetry is deliberate. Think of writing poetry like sculpting. The sculptor makes every line, every crack, every detail a conscience choice and poetry deals with the same sort of craft. A poem is not like a novel. A poet has to convey an experience in a short/precise way as possible. Therefore every comma, every line - there's reason that it's there. I look through this poem and I see a lot of lines ending in the word "the" and that's very poor craftmanship. Remember that in poetry, the last word in each line gets emphasized. Think of the line as if it were a cadence. The last beat is almost always at the end, and you don't want to end it with an article. But no worries - this is a common mistake, and it's an easy fix.
Other than these technical details, I found that overall your poem conveyed its meaning quite clearly, and your word choices were superb. Now it's just a matter of cleaning up the technical bits and trying to say it in a more unique way.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
~ as always, Audy