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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hey Deanz!
I enjoyed reading this and would generally love to read more of your stuff ^^
I just want to say that I truly loved this piece. I love the imagery that was used -- I think it was strong and really vivid. In my eyes, I imagined almost like this dreamscape -- it was very trippy with the technicolor description -- and I love this unique perspective of Arizona. It really puts the reader there.
There's a ghostly quality to this too, which I think fits the content really well, almost like the the figure of the grandmother is held in this spectral reverence by the speaker. One thing that I would suggest is possibly going through this and fixing up the aesthetics/technicalities, just to make it look more professional and to help ease the readers who are reading it. So, there are some spelling errors here and there, such as "mesmerizing" in that next to last stanza. Also, some of your floating commas throughout -- I'm sure it's just a format error when you were trying to submit the piece. Click on the edit button to the right and see if it can be fixed?
Other than that though, this seems like a personal piece, which not much else I can critique. There's a lot of heart in this, a lot of beautiful and unique imagery. Well done
~ as always, Audy
Hi there, Deanz, and welcome to YWS! It's nice to have new faces around.
This poem has a lot of potential. I like the imagery, and your language is pretty good. There are some suggestions I have that would make this poem even better (also, a full grammar sweep will be conducted).
The images you use are suited to poetry. I like how specific you are; the lasting images are always in details of concrete things. Good job on that.
Your rhyme scheme isn't quite cutting it for me. Many times in the poem, it seems as if you're only putting in words at the ends of lines because they rhyme. Never let the rhyme scheme dictate the meaning of your poem. Always put priority on the content and not the rhyme. My suggestion for this poem is to rewrite it in free verse (preserving most of the lovely imagery). Free verse doesn't necessarily mean no rhyme; it means there is rhyme when it is needed. If the rhyme fits and isn't forced, it can still be free verse. I suggest only leaving in the rhymes that happened naturally.
I don't really get the deafening scream part. This is the only moment in the poem where you describe this scream, and I don't know who screams. Was it the narrator, or the angelic grandmother? I don't think it's really needed to describe what happened; It also puts a strange tone in the poem that doesn't exist anywhere else. It's very tranquil, otherwise, accepting, and that is rebelling against that. For sake of the tone and the feeling of the whole poem, I suggest omitting the screaming bit.
I suggest you introduce the angelic grandmother later in the poem. You have great imagery right after this, but this should be a moment that carries something with it. When you do this, it makes the action pick up, but then you slow it down again. Also, I suggest a metaphor instead of a simile here; the rhythm of the line would improve if you removed "like an."
This section is really good, but it needs a bit of refining. Let us start with the last line. I don't really understand why you're referencing it; Arizona doesn't really call to mind Verona. I think you wrote it for the sake of the rhyme, and a more appropriate comparison could be found.
Now, let's discuss the concept of less is more. You need to streamline this; take out any unneeded words that clutter up the images. Let me show you. If It were me, I might write:
Those four lines were basically cut down to two, more concise lines that carry more weight. Perhaps you could even blend those images to create an even stronger image. You could write something like this:
But that's just a suggestion. Find your own way of streamlining this part.
"tearful eyes" isn't doing it for me here. You use all that lovely imagery before, and all it is here is something anyone could have written. Make it personalized. I don't mean just change the adjective. I mean, make it the narrator's grandmother that is embracing her. Let me show you (this is in a different style than you are writing, but it shows you what I mean by personalizing (it's also based off of my grandmother)).
See? Not every grandma is that way. Make this person yours.
This is where the rhyme scheme is really the worst issue. It makes it seem singsongy and immature. I like the acceptance here, and the message, but it sounds too cute with the rhyme scheme. I can't take it seriously. And it's the end of your poem; it should be taken seriously.
Now for the grammar sweep. I'm going to make corrections in red below. One note: punctuation should go right up against the letter, not with a space in between. I'm not marking every single punctuation mark red, so keep that in mind.
Altogether, this poem has lots of potential. I can't wait to see it when it's more polished. I hope this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!
...thank you .
please don't write 19th century poems its 21st so be trendy introduce some trendy funky......n catchy words in ur poetry.........
this is good but old school!
dnt mind just givin' u somethin'
I really liked this poem. The first line I probabaly liked the most because of the indirect imagery (I don't know what that is really called but I like it). I also enjoyed the fact that the narrator (whether it was you or not) did not know what was going on until the end of the poem. There are only a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there. Just go through and edit it and I'm sure you wont get anymore contreversy about it. It took me a while to figure out what was going on until I read the last stanza. I don't know how you can fix that but perhaps it is for the better that you don't change it. Overall, I think that this is a very great piece of work.
Thank you much for the advice and feedback
My spelling is so bad in this poem .
"fare" is meant to be "Fair"
"Technicoloured" is meant to be "technicolored"