Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
With that Dash and I charged forward, swinging as we went. The guard followed closely behind us, and it wasn't long before the rest of the attacking force was eliminated. Now that the battle was over I could finally assess the damages. Three fourths of the guard was dead, and many villagers were mutilated on the ground. The wounded, from both sides, could be heard moaning from all around. I came up to one of the wounded Shloski, his hand was gone and he had a huge cut across his stomach. The crimson colored liquid that was pouring out matched the blood on my armor and sword. With a flick of my blade I ended the creatures suffering. It seemed that I was being too merciful by putting them out of their misery. I should have been letting them suffer.
I detached myself from the group and headed to my house to check on my family. It was now apparent to me that some of the Shloski had slipped past into the town. Buildings were aflame, and destroyed. I was almost to my house when I could hear crying, I started to run. I arrived outside my house and saw my mother laying on the ground with a pool of blood around her. Next to her laid the body of a Shloski with a knife protruding from his neck. I wanted to cry but I swallowed my tears, and went to find the source of the crying. I went through the door and into the house to find my little brother crying. He must have seen mom.
"Lance, are you okay," I called out to him, but he looked up at me and started to back away crying. "Lance it's me, Slate, your brother." He just kept backing away from me, and I realized it must be my armor, covered in blood, that was scaring him. "Lance everythings going to be okay. I'm here now and I'm not leaving." I began to take the armor off and he started to calm down realizing that I wasn't some scary monster. Lance is only seven and he's normally acting tough, however it must have been very difficult to see his mother dead. Then the thought finally hit me, I don't know what to do with him now. We are now without parents and I can't leave the organization. I guess I will have to take him with me to the Council back in Shaben and figure out what to do from there.
I walked over to Lance, and this time he didn't back away, instead he reached out with his arms like he used to when he was scared. I picked him up with ease and took him over to his bed. "Lance you need to sleep, you've had a rough day."
"I don't think I can! Mommy won't wake up, she's covered in something red, and that big huge scary monster was asking were you were!"
"Can you tell me what happened," at this point I figured if he can't sleep I might as well try to figure out what happened. "What happened while I was gone and the big scary monster showed up?"
"Well, Mommy was cooking dinner and then we heard screaming. She told me to stay put and she went outside. She came back and she was breathing really heavy. She told me to hide under the bed so I did."
"And?"
"Well then the big monster came and kicked the door open and Mommy stood there with her cooking knife. You know the one you bought her last year for her birthday!"
"Yes, yes I know, but what happened!"
"Well the monster started asking where you were, and Mommy kept saying that she didn't know, which is true because we never know where you go! Then the monster said she was lying, and attacked her, I closed my eyes after that and all I heard was crashing and mom gasp and a loud deep roar."
"Thank you, now go to sleep Lance."
I tucked him into the bed and sat in one of the only chairs that was not broken, until he fell asleep. While I waited I was trying to digest what he had said. The Shloski were looking for me, and I had no clue why. Since when did Shloski attack for reason? We've always believed that they attack just to pillage, not for a target. I have to contact the Council, which means I must leave Shobuski and head to Shaben. However, there is something that I needed to do before I could leave. I needed to bury Mom.
I could now hear Lance snoring, so I decided I would head back outside. I grabbed my armor and put it back on, then walked out the door past my Mother's body, I would take care of that later. I walked through the town, the cobblestone streets were covered in blood, and the crackling of fire within the burning town could be heard everywhere. I could still hear the screams of the wounded, the bucket teams yelling, and loved ones weeping over their losses. I needed to check up on the guard to see if they were performing the cleanup.
Sure enough when I reached the guard station the head captain was barking out orders, and bodies were being moved. The Shloski's bodies were being moved outside the town and being prepared to burn. All of the townspeople's bodies were being laid out to be identified, if they could be, and buried at the cemetery.
"Horrid is it not?"
"Dash, why is it that this happens?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do the Shloski attack the towns, and why do they kill innocent people?"
"I don't know, but they have been much more aggressive, and especially at this site."
"I can see that, but I don't understand."
"They came here to raid and that's all."
"Sure they did."
"I don't know what's on your mind, but I have to travel to Shaben, I believe you have some things to do here. I can assume that you will meet me there?"
"I do have some things to take care of here, and then I will meet you in Shaben."
"Until next time Slate, take care."
I watched Dash ride into the distance towards Shaben. Once he was out of sight, I turned my attention toward the Captain of the gaurd. He seemed to have the cleanup well underway. You could tell he was tired, the Captain normally stood straight and at attention all the time. He was a very dedicated man. He was normally a cheerful and lighthearted fellow. Now his normally cheerful eyes screamed sadness. He was slouched in defeat, and he gave orders with a rather gloomy voice.
"Captain!" I called, "How is the cleanup going?"
He turned slowly and replied, "It's going well, despite the losses."
"How bad is it?"
"Terrible, three fourths the gaurd is dead, and we have no idea on how many civilians."
"That is bad."
"Yes it is. Do you think you could mention our situation to the Council?"
"I will mention it, I am actually headed to Shaben soon. I need to take care of a few things here first."
"I understand."
With that I turned and walked back to my house. It was growing late and I didn't want to wake up Lance, so I just went around the house to the tool shed. When I opened it I reached for the three tools that I would be needing. I grabbed an axe, a shovel, and finally a lantern. With one more glance at the house, I turned and head to the cemetery. From there I found the grave and the plot I was looking for. I figured I'd bury Mom right next to Dad. It was a painstakingly difficult task to dig the grave. Not because of the physical demands, but the mental ones. I had always prided myself on my ability to stay tough and stone cold, but now I found myself feeling weak. I wanted nothing more than to cry. My Mother had been the only parent I really had. My Dad was killed in action when I was very young. He too had been a member of the Zarareth, perhaps one of the greatest the organization had known.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there Deadman!
But an important thing in a story is to have a balance between exterior and interior as well. I know you mention that he didn't want to cry either, although he was feeling sad, but I want more than that. If he was truly sad, even though he never cries and always manages to hold it in, maybe this time a single tear rolls down his cheek. This action alone shows that even this amount of sadness is overwhelming him. Maybe he shudders and turns his head because he can't even look at the body. Maybe he can't even look into his brother's eyes as he told him it would all be okay. I want a bit more detail when it comes to feeling his sadness! And maybe some other thoughts and emotions during battle as well?
I'm here to review your second chapter! I did read your first one, so I could know what was happening. I would've reviewed it too but you had two great reviews there and I didn't want to repeat what they'd already said. So, here I am for part two instead.
You had a good continuation with the story and the action. It was interesting to meet the new character of his friend who knew him amazingly well, Dash. And you've added in a big reputation there, him being so feared by his enemies and by his own people. It was a nice touch and the silence showed how awed and afraid the people were.
Action is something you have a lot of here in your story. Which is great! Action keeps people tense; anything could happen during battle. And of course, he's a warrior so he will end up fighting. But there are some writing elements that can make your action scenes even better. That would be to have some shorter sentences in there. When I first heard this, I wondered how it could have much of an affect. But it does! Tension, bluntness and it even makes the story more gripping! So don't have commas and 'and' during the action scenes. Make some shorter sentences in there, and it can be wonderful ^^ Just don't overdo them!
In the story you've got a great description on everything that is happening on the outside. The settings, the friends, the battles itself. This is all good
At one point Lance tells us all that he has missed as he was out in battle. This is great, because it gives the reader everything they need to know, as Lance also feeds it to Slate. But don't forget, this is not a child reading out an essay in monotone. This a child who has just been tramutised! He'd be tripping over his words, howling, it might be difficult to understand the story he's trying to tell us. I can also imagine that Slate would have to piece bits and pieces of the broken story up himself, because he can't ask a child to immediately relive the horrors they've just seen! And would Lance really fall asleep directly after retelling the tale? Hmm... I'm sure children are a lot more scared of having nightmares that that...
It would be nice to have perhaps, a bit more description of setting in here? What does his town look like in detail as he approaches? Drab grey buildings with wilting fences? Maybe his own area is already poverty stricken, or a lot more rich. I don't know, but I do know you should tell me in this chapter!
Or maybe not tell - show? I see a lot of telling in here. You tell us how Slate feels when his mother is found dead, which may be one of the reason I feel so unsympathetic towards the character. You tell us what happens during the battle and you tell us as readers a lot more things. But we need more of it to be shown to us. This is difficult to explain, but there is a great article on Writing Gooder about it here: http://www.writinggooder.com/2013/10/sh ... mment-9462
How about a break from all this intense stuff with some nitpicks and spelling?
This sentence is just generally awkward, with the comma and the word phrasing in the first part. It stuck out a bit like a sore thumb! How about: I was almost home when I could hear crying. I started to run.
And if you want to work on the show not tell, you could even use this: My house was in sight when a cry broke through the wind. I forced my legs to go faster although my muscles were groaning in complaint. Or something xD
This is a common small mistake I'm starting to notice a lot more. Some people forget that a question is a question, and needs a question mark wherever it goes. In a title, in footnotes and especially within dialogue. I saw this mistake a few more times in this chapter, so scan for questions everywhere! I only picked out one though, otherwise it just gets too annoying :3 And I'm sure you can find them
Guard? Remember to run a spell check when you're done a chapter. It doesn't catch out everything, but it does catch quite a lot. And then read it to yourself once aloud, because that helps you catch out quite a few other mistakes as well. Especially those that fall through spell check's safety net. Do it before posting!
Headed to the cemetery. Make sure you stay in past tense consistently through the chapter!
Hmm... I think I've written a lot for this sole review, so I will end on one last note before signing off. And since this is the end of the review, let's talk about chapter endings. They are really important because it should make the reader want to turn the page and start reading a the next chapter immediately! I can't stress how important they are ^^ So you need to end with something that sounds final, hooking and creates suspense. In this chapter, you ended with a line that didn't seem final. Finality is the first aspect it needs to have. If it seems like your going on to say more, it doesn't feel right. You should maybe end the chapter with "Mother had been the only parent I really had. I had grown up with barely anyone to rely on."
This sounds more final. If you wanted to you could add in something a bit more exciting and hooking too. But not every chapter ending will be suspense or a cliffhanger, mind you. Mixing up chapter endings is good too!
Here I shall end xD I enjoyed reading this though, and I would like to read the next bit. I hope it won't be such a large time gap as the first had. Just post on my wall or something when Chapter 3 is up!
Deanie x
Thank you for the review. You caught some things I was trying to watch out for and missed. This will help me with my next chapter. When writing this I was certain I would have troubles introducing emotion, and my descriptions would be lacking. Thank you for giving me some advice for fixing this up. I'll be sure to let you know when Chapter Three is done. (It may be quite some time.)
Okay
Let me know when you do though!
never mind.
?
I was going to review this, but then I took it down. Will review it later.
Okay, feel free to take your time, I'm doing my own reviewing of it right now.
There you go! Chew me to pieces!