You.
You are the center of my galaxy.
My universe.
My everything.
You.
The air I breathe.
I worship you,
Please notice me.
You.
You set me free.
My love for you,
will never cease.
Me.
A shadow in your story.
A happy one,
But never seen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,795 Reviews
Hello, here for a quick review. So simple yet so impactful.
i can't see the desperation. i can FEEL it. the hope to be seen, to be loved is so raw.
And the name of the poem, like you are never gonna tell them. the hunger.
oh lord! humans have the ability to love someone this much and its kind of scary.
i don't think i would ever understand whether its a blessing or a curse.
the things, love can give or take is widely known.
good job, loved it
Hello! It’s me, the blob.
When I first read this, I was viscerally reminded of the first time I read Sappho - mostly on account of all the visceral rawness this poem holds.
(Though to be fair to Sappho, while she was a poetic simp, she was also a little more forward (cough) with her affections.)
What I love about this is the entire emotional honesty. The way it subjectivises infatuation at the very end, changing You to Me, simply and effectively communicates that, unlike recognised mutual attraction - which flows from one person to the other in an informational, affectionate, grateful exchange - one way attraction isolates a person in a strange echo chamber of Love, centred on a person oblivious to its existence.
Everything structural I wanted to comment on has already been covered, so I won't bother you with that. I do want to encourage the aforementioned point about the use of enjambment, which I think could help avoid some jerkiness in the individual stanzas. Poetry is subjective, of course. Just for me, personally, emotional poetry flows better when stuctural interruptions in each stanza (section of thought) are at the minimum.
Keep loving, friend,
The blob.
Thank you so much :3
Hey, Myth here! I'm going to get STRAIGHT to the point.
I love your play with 'You' and 'Me'. It keeps reminding the reader who the symbols are directed towards.
Here, I appreciate the shift of focus from the first stanza. You've added the writer or the first person to the mix. It could be you or the reader, but the roles could also be reversed, creating an excellent re-readability value in the many ways you could interpret the poem.
What could be more effective is a more manic use of punctuation. You could try 'enjambing'
Spoiler
Technicalities aside. Although the rhyming here could've been just what flowed into your mind at the moment, it works very well. It gives the reader the time to breathe and process the emotion behind each stanza as it ends.
I also noticed the shift in narration as I mentioned earlier. The first stanza is symbolism, the second one is personal, the third one emphasizes the other person rather than the self and the fourth one is a metaphor for the relationship you're trying to describe. It's amazing.
Once again, I like how minimalistic it is. I can't think of much to improve upon. It seems as though your thoughts got through exactly the way you wanted them to.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Yours sincerely,
Myth
Hello, love! Leya here to review this beautiful piece :')
The words of this poem made me feel so many emotions, at first I felt warm and then I felt cold and then I felt extremely sad and I was left longing for the writer to be seen.
I think you really captured what it feels like for someone to mean everything to you, and to them you mean nothing or very little. It's a hard trope and it's very sad but it's also a relatable and popular one, nonetheless.
I couldn't find any grammar issues, so that's great!
I loved how you closed out the poem with:
This is when the sad feelings came. I loved how it was simple, yet delivered a lot of emotions. Overall, great job with this piece and I can't wait to read more of your work!
With Love,
Leya <3