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[Currently untitled story]

by DeadMenTe11N0Tales


Chapter One

I never used to believe in ghosts. Sure, I'd seen a couple of horror flicks and had the occasional spooky encounter as a kid, but they were always just that—spooky, not real. I'd had always figured that if there were any real ghosts out there, they'd have better things to do than hang around scaring the crap out of people. But here I was, a grown adult, shaking in my Doc Martens.

The old building had an eerie charm, despite its creaking floorboards and the way the lights flickered in the hallway. It was a stark contrast to the bustling streets of New York City outside, an old, creaky apartment with peeling wallpaper and the smell of stale cookies that never quite went away. It was the kind of place you'd expect to find in a Stephen King novel, minus the blood and guts. But here I was, keys in hand, ready to make it my own.

I opened the door, and coughed as I walked into the dust-covered room that was to be my new home. It was like someone had paused time in the '70s and forgot to hit play again. The wallpaper was a garish floral pattern that looked like it was fighting the carpet for the title of 'World's Ugliest'. But it was cheap, and that was all that mattered to me at the moment. I tossed my bag on the floor and took a deep breath. Then coughed out my lungs due to the dust.

Then I heard someone else cough.

"What the heck?!" I said, whipping my head around. A girl stood in the darkest corner of the room. She looked like she'd stepped out of a '90s grunge band poster, complete with the flannel shirt and ripped jeans. Her short boyish hair was messy, but in a good way. It was her eyes that got me though—pale and piercing, they shimmered in ice blue.

"Is that how you usually greet people or am I the exception?" she asked. Her voice was light, with a hint of a smirk playing on her lips. She stepped out of the shadows and into the dim light from the single bulb that was swinging slightly above our heads. It was then I noticed a problem. I could see through her.

I mentally googled my brain, trying to remember... oh! She must be my roommate. The one the landlord mentioned but forgot to mention was a ghost. Classic New York apartment move-in. "Oh, sorry," I stuttered, trying to play it cool. "Just didn't expect the welcoming committee to be... transparent."

"Oh. That... Yeah. I guess that's a new one," she said, her smirk widening into a grin. "But hey, I'm Bailey. Your... uh, spectral roommate?"

"Rowen," I said, extending a hand that passed right through hers. "Nice to meet you, I think?". I had no idea what to do. I picked up my suitcase and walked into what I assumed to be a bedroom. There was a mattress on the floor, a couple of blankets, and a sad lamp that looked like it was about to wave the white flag.

I sighed, and started to unpack. Suddenly, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up, I somehow knew Bailey had followed me into the room. "So, how does this whole ghost-roommate thing work?" I asked. "Well, I can't eat your food or pay rent, but I can keep the place interesting," she said, floating over to the window. She pushed it open with a gentle wave of her hand, letting in a gust of chilly air. "But I'm not a fan of mess, so keep it tidy, yeah?"

I rolled my eyes, and said, "No worries, I'm not exactly Martha Stewart, but I can manage not to leave pizza crusts on the floor for eternity." She giggled, a sound that was eerily beautiful. It sent a shiver down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.                                                                                                                                                             


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Stickied -- Wed Sep 11, 2024 2:49 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the paranormal S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Rowen moves to an apartment in New York. They’ve been told that they will have a roommate, but when said roommate shows up, she’s a…a ghost! This doesn’t bother Rowen though, because Bailey seems like a chill person. (I mean, what ghosts DON’T have a chill to them? I’ll stop now…)

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - This is only the first chapter of the story, so there might be more details later. As if right now I don’t have any recommendations to make, but you can edit this if you want.

Chocolate Bar - I love how Rowen doesn’t seem scared of Bailey despite her being a ghost. She doesn’t come off as a frightening being, and who knows how lonely she was before Rowen showed up? Another thing I enjoyed was how Rowen appreciated the abandoned look of the apartment. They see a sense of beauty underneath all of the rubble, and by them liking their old apartment, I can see that they don’t judge off of first glance.

Closing Graham Cracker - A cute little chapter that will no doubt start a spiraling descent into the chaos that is the paranormal world. I’m rooting for Bailey and Rowen’s romance, and I hope that they can be together against all odds…

I wish you well on your writing. ^v^




DeadMenTe11N0Tales says...


Thank you so much :3333



vampricone6783 says...


You%u2019re welcome! :>



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Thu Sep 12, 2024 3:54 am
Que wrote a review...



Hey there, DeadMenTe11N0Tales!

What a cute story! I'm just getting into a spooky fall mood, so I was really excited to read your piece.

For a short introduction to what I hope will be a longer story, I think you did a nice job -- you gave the two main characters room to banter, and you did a nice job in characterizing Bailey. Rowan, I'm not quite as sure about yet, but I'm sure their personality will come through with time! I really liked the line "But here I was, a grown adult, shaking in my Doc Martens" because it gave me an instant visual.

The apartment description was great as well! I think that was a strong point in your story, the visuals. "A sad lamp that looked like it was about to wave the white flag" was one great line, and I also liked "the smell of stale cookies that never quite went away."

Even though this is a first chapter, so we haven't gotten into the main part of the story just yet, I think it would be helpful to see just a little bit more from this chapter. There are two things in particular that I'd like to see, and I think they're connected to each other.

First of all, the backstory. Definitely you don't need to dump everything about Rowan on us all at once in the first chapter! But, all we know so far is that they are moving into a new apartment and need to stay here regardless of the conditions because it's cheap, and I think maybe a little more is needed just to pull readers in and help ground the story.

Is this character from New York? Is this their first time in the city, and does finding an apartment like this make them want to go home? Or, are they super determined to make it? Basically, what led to this situation other than the desirable cheapness? And what is it that prevents Rowan from turning right around and going elsewhere upon discovering that the roommate is a ghost?

The second thing is build-up. From the introductory paragraph discussing horror movies and ghosts, including the fact that the narrator is shaking in their shoes (presumably out of fear), there's a clear build-up to the fact that the roommate is a ghost. But it feels like you let readers off the hook too soon!

Rowan's first reaction is surprise at another person in the room, which makes sense. Then, they immediately process Bailey's translucent presence, accept her as a ghost, and move on with their move-in. On the one hand, them trying to "play it cool" is cute and gives a nice insight into their laid-back character. But we see none of the fear hinted at in the first paragraph, not even for a second! Rowan doesn't leave the room and then come back in, or really have any kind of startled thoughts or questions.

I think the reaction as it stands would make some more sense if, for example, Rowan was told their roommate would be a ghost and they decided to take the apartment anyway. Then, it would be more about understanding that ghosts really exist and what to do from there. But, having not known anything about this, the reaction feels underwhelming!

And I don't mean to say that they can't quickly get along or that Rowan can't recover and be okay with the situation -- of course that's part of the charm and sweetness of the story and situation, and something that's making me look forward to reading more about their roommate-ship! :) But, I think it's missing out on a chance to build suspense and really highlight the uniqueness of the circumstances, and maybe even some funny dialogue moments!

I'm excited to see more of this, you've got a really neat premise and I think there's a lot of fun places this could go!

Hope this helped. :) Let me know if you have any questions, and happy Review Month!

-Q





The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus