** I'm sorry, but I have removed this work from this site. You can read my other work here: viewtopic.php?t=55673 - DeadEndsAreOptional
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
#80FF00 ">Hi! How are you?
#FFBFFF ">I loved this story! Your title interested me, so I decided I would read it. I don't think I've ever read a story of yours.
For some reason I thought it was going to be a high school girl that has all this drama in her life. But instead it was a story that I like reading!
I like your style of writing. I hope you put the second part up!
#0040FF ">Keep Writing! --Jessie.
I'm sorry it confused you, I'll work on that! It's set now days, in the second part hopefully you can tell that (I haven't yet posted the second part, but when I do it will be in this topic.) Thanks for the review, I'll work hard on trying to make more understanding.
Hi! uuum there's just a few things I would like to point out...
Okayy. well in the beginning you started talking about more of her family than herself. Not a very good start. If you decided to continue this story you might have wanted to put more detail in them later in the story.
I'm a little confused about the setting. Are they back in the old days?? and also you said that she graduated from high school....did they have high schools back then?? I honestly don't know..I'm not very good with history.
And if you are basing it in the old times, your characters should speak more proper english than what you have already written.
Hey Dead End! (Can I call you that?) On behalf of me, myself and I, I would like to formally welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella or any variation thereof, I'm not picky, and I shall be your reviewer today
I. NITPICKS
Okay, in general, you say a small island off somewhere, not outside of. Also, they owned a small island off Europe? I live on one! I'd like you to be more specific, how small, where off Europe, in the Meditarranean or the Atlantic or the North Sea?
fifteen looks better than 15. Also, I would make this a new sentence.
wooden sounds better.
II. PACING
If I were you I would slow this down and drag it out. Tell us more about her island, her life there. Don't tell us immediately about the arranged marriage, wait until the phone call and her finding out herself. Slow it down. Fill out the details- who is Abigail? At the moment her character's as flat as cardboard. Make her and the rest of them into real people. This is all the stuff that will make things go slower, easier to read and far more enjoyable.
I also didn't get much of an idea of her lifestyle- is she a princess? Does she live in a palace? Show us!
III. OVERALL
It was alright, but it could use a little work.
Hope I helped, and if you have any questions about the review or YWS or anything at all, feel free to give me a shout!
-Stella x
Really great, I love this.
It was a bit hard to realize thta she visited a boy that lived there, so i would include somthing about that.
I would delete the by then, because it makes the story flow less--makes it sort of choppy.
The rest is great!! I hope to keep reading this story!