My only mistake was in turning back
To see as I fled your acrimony.
Watching to see your retribution. You chose not
to tear me down. Even now as Our
Thousand years end, I still do not know why.
Why? Why make me your salārium son,
central pillar of your pantheon?
It only means the waves, an inundation
of cold rage, dissolves away more of me.
She is no Hathor, but still a pagan goddess
in your place. My second death.
But this one I choose; to be a seraphic sacrifice
on your altars. I am sorry I took so long.
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Alright it took me a couple times of reading it through to fully understand the power this poem gives off. (apologize in advance with my rant type reviewing) but its really awesome to see a poem that A. you really love and B. Holds the power that sends shivers down the spine. the last lines
" I choose; to be a seraphic sacrifice on
your altars. I am sorry I took so long."
These two lines were so intense it really makes you re-think everything which is AMAZING! its truly incredible and i really hope you continue writing because it is brilliant.
Next, the shortness to the poem helps with your concept and works your advantage i think once again Brilliant Literally could re-read this over and over and each time come up with something new or something i didn't notice the first time. Bravo Bravo.
Hi there DeProfundis! Niteowl here to review for the Wicked Squids this fine Review Day!
Now overall, I think this is a good poem. There's some lovely phrasing. I admit that I am a bit confused to what it's referencing, if anything. The two stories that come to mind are Lot's wife (in the Bible) and the Greek myth of Orpheus/Eurydice, but both of those are women, not men. Is this based on something else or just completely made up?
Some other things I'd like to point out.
The first line ends on a preposition, which generally isn't a great idea. The words at the end of the line are going to stick in the reader's head the most, so generally it's best to use a strong noun or verb there. This may have been intentional, but I honestly think the piece would be stronger if you revised the line breaks.
Secondly, changing "watched" to "watching" would greatly improve the grammar and flow of this piece.
Again, rethink the line breaks here. However, I think this whole sentence is rather awkward. I think it's referring to the ocean eroding the speaker, but it feels kind of choppy. I suggest replacing "The Deluge" with a more concrete ocean image, e.g. "Now the waves rage against me, dissolving me away."
Final stanza: Who is "She"? The ocean? I again suggest rewording the first sentence. Maybe something like "She is no Hathor, but I worship her now over you."
Now to end on a positive note, I thought the ending was lovely.
Overall, this is a good poem, but there's some awkward wording and line breaks. Keep writing!
It is actually referencing Lot's wife and Orpheus and Eurydice. The voice that I take in poetry is meant to be a man who identifies heavily with femininity, so he compares himself to women, rather than men.
That's all very helpful! Thank you so much
Would changing the first line to 'My only mistake was in turning back' work?
Ok i don't even know with what to begin. Lets start with this- This is such a grate poem. Ok it took me few times to get in to it. But this poem caries such a power, it just hits you like a car. Like these lines "Watched to see your retribution. You chose
Not to tear me down. Even now as our only
Thousand years end, I still don't know why." These lines are i don't even know why i like them so much, there is something about them. And the line "central pillar of your pantheon?" has some kind of power, i could just read this line over and over again. And i love that this poem isn't very long, it is long enough to say everything it needs to say and no more or less. The only thing that bothered me a little bit was the whole construction of the lines in some places, but it's just me.
Ok this was a grate poem, i really liked it. An amazing job from you. Carry on like this.
Okay, can I just say- FREAKING AWESOME JOB
I really, really, REALLY liked the way you worded this poem, it's just so perfect.
I have no criticism, only compliments, so YOU'RE WELCOME & THANK YOU:
"But this one
I choose; to be a seraphic sacrifice on
your altars."
So, I LOVE all of it, but this line is the one that just stuck out to me the most.
Again-amazing job. You really captured the concept.
This poem isn't very long, but I believe that the shortness makes it all the better, because you preserve all of the depth in such short lines.
Thank you for sharing this, honestly, De!
Waiting to see more from you!
~Shiny