A trip across town—it’s library day
It means twenty minutes to motionless stay
A sitting duck in a death trap
Faster than a cheetah with a pedal tap
Hope the driver’s sober as a judge
Hope it won’t crash so I can’t budge
Telling myself “It’s okay” lies
I sit back, volume up, and close my eyes.
A trip through the woods—shopping to be done today
Canopy above shades the coach from sunlight so gay
It filters through holes to light the route
And I don’t want to be let out
Horse-drawn carriage with a driver I trust
His judgment is clear, fair and just
He turns and asks, “Scenic route, sir?”
“Yes,” I say, “Today has a particular allure.”
And then it stops—carriage or car?
Open my eyes; have we really gone so far?
What time is it? Where are we?
Already at the library?
Didn’t die today; that’s a relief.
That accident’s caused me such mental grief.
Get out of the car, breathe and let panic pass;
At least my carriage doesn’t need flammable gas.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I honestly love this poem. Your writing style is that of someone who really understands literature and literary devises, much unlike a lot of young poets. The imagery in the poem is amazing and I loved the line as sober as a judge. For me rhyming schemes are usually either good or horrible and I think yours was great. It didn't sound childish or forced and it flowed very naturally. My only gripe is the ending. Although I can picture it very clearly, something about it seemed different than the rest of the poem. Over all very very good and I read it several times out of pure joy, each time watching the story play out in my head. I understand it is about a scary subject but regardless of that it is artistic to the point where I only really see that the second time reading it, and even then when I do notice it, it was very powerful. Thank you for sharing!
-Taylor
Hey! Gravity here for a review.
I understand the fear of being in a car crash, I really do. When I say what I'm going to say next, I'm not saying it to mean that your feelings or fears are irrelevant. I promise I'm not. I just wasn't a fan of this poem.
Here's why.
I didn't like the rhyme. It was fine, I just think you should've done without it. There are parts in here where you majorly disrupt the rhythm of your poem just for the sake of rhyming which took away from the thoughts and feelings you were trying to express through this piece of writing. Your structure is also lacking. There are no stanzas. When there aren't any stanzas, it leads me to believe that this is a free verse sort of poem when it isn't. If you aren't sure how to format hold shift, then press enter to drop down a single line. Then if you wish to create a new stanza, hit ENTER.
The parts where the rhythm is lacking because of the rhyme are instances like this:
Okay so the first two lines were great, I really enjoyed the way you compared yourself to a sitting duck. I thought this did a great job of highlighting your fears and feelings. But then the fourth line is off. I also thought the rhythm in the sitting duck line was off. You didn't have enough syllables to make it flow. I think to make this line flow better you could change it to "A sitting duck seated in a death trap".
This is one of the parts where I think you're rhyming just for the sake of rhyming. I really didn't like this part. Sorry. I really hate being mean, I promise I'm not trying to be :/
There are other things I could point out, but I don't want to butcher your poem and you seem like an intelligent person. You get it. So I'm going to outline the lines that I actually really liked.
This was my favorite line out of the whole poem. It was really good, I felt that any reader or audience would be able to understand and relate to this line. So bravo!
Anyway, that concludes my review. I want to clarify. Your poem wasn't bad, I just didn't particularly like it for the reasons I mentioned above. And then there was the part about the sitting duck and the letting the panic pass that I enjoyed. They were very clever and insightful lines, I'm glad you included them. Happy Writing, I hope I can find something else you wrote that I might like, I see some pretty good potential here
XOXO,
Gravity