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Untitled

by DazedAndConfused


Fade in.

Act I Scene 1

Brian Phillips sits at a cafe nursing a cup of coffee. Brian is a darkly handsome man in his early thirties; he seems warn and wears a scruffy stubble look. He wears dark casual clothing but does not look any less dangerous.

He looks outside; it is cold, wet and grey, he sees people shielding themselves from the New York cold. He looks down at his coffee thoughtfully.

His phone rings, he takes it out of his pocket, squints at the screen and picks up.

Brian

Hello, who’s this

In a mild Boston accent.

Cuts to man on the other line, he is a heavy set man wearing sunglasses and a short sleeve shirt. He is walking through a hot, bustling Middle Eastern market place.

Brian, its Warlow. Sorry about the anonymity but the signal out here is a bitch so I’m gonna keep it short an’ sweet.

Stops in a dusty alleyway, clears his throat.

Warlow, Cont.

It’s been confirmed, I’m not sure when though

(Beat)

You’ll probably get official word from the top but I just came from the meeting, shit is hitting the fan.

Cuts to Brian, takes in information, he is unfazed as if he was expecting the news.

Cuts to Warlow he is now taking out a cigarette from a packet puts it into his mouth, searches for lighter.

Warlow

Well, uhm I don’t need to tell you to keep this to yourself they’ve literally just told the president.

(Beat)

You still with me kid?

Cuts to Brian, he has taken out his wallet and leaves money on the table.

Brian

Yeah, I’m still with yah, so when do I get my clearance

Swiftly puts on his jacket, nods at the waitress and heads out the door to the cold outside on a semi empty Brooklyn Street. He hails a cab, it stops

Cuts to Warlow now smoking, he furrows his brows and takes the cigarette out of his mouth and blows out the smoke thoughtfully.

Warlow

Look kid, uh...don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t have to do this. I...

(Beat)

...I know you’ve been wrapped up in your own shit storm recently, and uh...

Brian (Cuts him off)

Look thanks mark, but I’m fine, I told you I was fine, I told the damn military appointed shrink I was fine I told my mom I was fine just let me do what I know, you know I’m the best you got.

Warlow scratches his head, and nods while saying

Warlow

OK fine, but if you come back in a box I’m the one who has to tell your mom and pay for an overpriced black suit.

Brian smiles a knowing smile

Brian

Well in that case i'll have to put in a word for my tailor in Boston then.

Warlow takes cigarette out of his mouth and chuckles,

Warlow

OK get your shit together, be at JFK in 2 hours I’ll see you here in about 9, where I can securely brief you on whets happening

Brian

Ok see you then,

Warlow

Brian, wait...uh tell your mom why don’t yah’... you know she’ll worry.

Brian sighs, but nods, pays taxi man and gets out of cab, starts to walk a little bit and climbs stairs to apartment while opening door

Brian

Ok I will Warlow, Bye

Cuts to Warlow, with a worried expression

Warlow

OK, bye kid

Brian hangs up phone.

Act I Scene 2

Brian takes out keys and opens door to his apartment, it’s kind of big and tidy with a lot of books, he has a picture of a young man in an army photo pictured with him he drops his keys in the bowel, looks at the picture frame moves his hand across it tenderly, thinks for a second. He then suddenly comes back to reality and takes his jacket off. He turns on the Monday night football highlights goes into the kitchen to get a beer, a cat climbs up onto the counter he strokes it tenderly

Brian

(To the cat)

Hey Buddy,

Cat purrs, Brian lovingly strokes it goes into the cabinet takes out cat food, pours it into bowel and places on the ground, cat goes to eat it strokes it one more time before leaving

Cuts to him turning on shower, topless he has marks and scars all over his body he looks at himself in the mirror touches the dog tag around his neck, then turns away in disgust almost

Cuts to him coming out of bedroom with semi wet hair he is wearing a white shirt suit pants with dress shoes, he has shaved and looks sharp gets the phone sits down sighs and dials a number, it rings

Answer machine

Hey, its Julie can’t come to the phone right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Brian

Hey mom its Brian... uh

(Beat)

Just to uh, tell you I’ve been called away and I’ll call you when I know more, I love you bye.

Hangs up,

Cuts to him all ready with combed hair, puts on a coat over his suit picks up his bag, writes a note, gives one last look at his apartment sighs longingly and heads out, he sticks the note onto the door of the apartment opposite

It reads,

Mrs. Castor

Its Brian from 12B, I’m gonna be away for a while please feed the cat.

Brian walks out into the street and hails a cab it stops he climbs in.

Taxi driver

Where to mister

Brian

(Looking up) JFK please.


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413 Reviews


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Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:44 am
Cailey wrote a review...



Alright, so this is my first review of a script, hopefully I don't make a fool of myself. :D
I was thinking through this as though I were performing it live, but realized it would really work better as a video. There isn't much live acting that could happen with this, at least not that I saw. I mean, it would be hard to do all the cutting, or the scene where he goes into the shower, since no audience wants to sit around while a guy takes a shower.
It could be a good beginnign for an action movie, though.
I noticed a few typos and such, which are always a bit obnoxious for the reader. Especially when you don't capitalize I. Sorry, that's one of those things that really bugs me. :)
I like the story idea you have going here, but I think you need to work on the characters. I thought Brian was older from the description and the initial attitude he has. Then you have Warlow calling him "kid" and him talking to his mom, which makes him seem a lot younger. Figure out if he's in his twenties and this is his first "mission" or is he more like 40 and has had tons of experience. I couldn't tell from your piece, but I feel I should have been able to.
Also, I like the contrast between cold and hot. It adds suspense somehow.
I would like a bit more, since this just left a tiny bit of information, but not quite enough to form the whole story. Unless I missed something.
Yeah, I don't think I had anything else to say. Good job, keep writing.




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19 Reviews


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Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:54 am
nevanoel wrote a review...



As someone who is intensively studying theatre, I'd like to start by saying that I wish I could perform unpublished scenes like this one. It just makes me extremely happy.

On the other hand, the piece in its entirety felt like mix between a work of prose and a script. Actors love insight on the character they are playing; however, scripts don't generally include some of the deeper descriptions that accompanied a stage direction or two. The content of the scene is enthralling, but a standard format is needed in order to keep effectiveness and easiness in reading. Perhaps by using italics or writing all dialogue and directions in accordance to each other, the script could be read in half the time. Also, if your script looks appealing and professional, the audience will most definitely pay more attention to the characters and what is happening.

Scripts are a hard thing to tackle, and you sure tackled this one hard. All you need is a little format/grammar tweaking, and it'll be beyond fantastic.




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Points: 882
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Thu Sep 20, 2012 7:49 pm
vikingblood92 wrote a review...



When done correctly, scripts can be empowering. I write scripts (both stage and film) and have familiarized myself with the structures of each. Structure is extremely important in the flow of a script. Reading your script, I wasn't too sure if it was stage or film, as it represents elements of both. I suggest reading up on both techniques and practicing them as you write scripts, it's more organized and easier to both edit and read. Eventually it will become second nature.

And usually you have a blocked section before the script begins briefly describing how the character looks, how they are dressed and who they are. It makes reading the script more visual since we can't actually see it.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it.

Often, people think scripts need to be fast paced, witty and with a strong sense of conflict and solution whether it's long or short. I think your script is well paced and absolutely perfect for ISU (highschool) or Festivals. I love the length and the character's situation (although not specifically clear, it leaves great depth for imagination. The Dialogue also runs smoothly, and is believable. Just ALWAYS keep in mind the profession and personality of the characters. Only use language they would use, either informal or formal. And make sure it's easy to hear when a switch with formal and informal language happens.

Other than that, great job!





Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman