Shattered

Hey

Okay I am going to start with correcting your mistakes and then will tell you the overall review!

There's only the punctuation error seen here which I will try to clear up for you below:

"Shattered and gone,

Broken to bits,

Moving along,

Crumbling down the abyss.


I’m broken,

How can I be fixed?

I’m broken,

How did it come to this?



Metal gears grind,

Rusted in their path,

Halting on their way,

To completing their own trap.


A soul stuck in a body

With no place to go,

While my heart lay in pieces

Because I’m not my own.


I’m too far gone to be saved from myself,

Will somebody help me find peace from this hell?"


Dude This was freaking amazing! I mean I love this poem. I can't believe that this is not in featured works because accept the formatting everything in the poem was amazing. I loved your idea and the plot. The base of the poem was very strong and you had only Grammar mistakes, how awesome is that?

I literally believe you should continue writing and am happy that writers like you are on YWS. If you ever write another poem please update me because I am a fan of your poetry!

Umaima

Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!

I just realized I reviewed this previously, but there are some things I picked up on today that I didn't before, so here we go.

Technical:
"Shattered and gone

Broken to bits

Moving along

Crumbling down the abyss

I’m broken"
I need punctuation here. I need to know where the road signs are, where I'm supposed to pause, and where I'm supposed to have a break in thoughts.
I've read through a few other poems on here without punctuation, and when there's no punctuation, it's like trying to drive cross-country without a road map or Interstate signs. Now, I understand what you're saying, but it didn't flow as well as it did last time, probably because I just read in the punctuation I needed. Basically, those first four lines should have commas after them. That will help slow it down a little bit, and drive your point home.

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!

Hey, HT here to review.

I thought that this was very good. Your content (or plot if you prefer) was a topic that not to many authors choose to use, but you did. And you wrote it very well. You language is excellent, and your grammar and spelling are very good.

I would like to make two suggestions however, but if they cramp you or your writing style then feel free to ignore them.

Split up the stanzas more evenly, because with the way it is now it feels a little bottom heavy. Also, some punctuation besides the question marks wouldn't hurt. But as I have said, if you prefer not to take my suggestion that is fine.

Everyone had their own style and what I like is not necessarily what others like.

One last thing before I go, I'm not entirely sure why you rated it 16+, since the only word that even resembles bad language is the word, "hell". I don't thing that you need a rating on this at all.

I loved your ending by the way. You're a very good author.

Peace,
HT

Very interesting symbols used. I like the heavy emphasis on decay, the rust and the gears roughly grinding together.
Technical note: Second stanza "I’m to far gone to be saved from myself", the "to" should be "too". Also second stanza "Will somebody help me find piece from this hell?", the "piece" should be "peace".
Hope that helps!

First of all, happy you don't feel like this right now! A close friend went through a similar time and I think this represents her cry for help accurately. I just pray everyone that feels like this gets the help the need.

I like the two conflicting feelings of being shattered, but also trapped.
It's strange when you think about it, that feeling of being all over the place...but being trapped in one place and not being able to do anything about it.

As for some advice, the line "Moving along long" in the first stanza is kind of repetitive and confusing. Maybe you could delete the long at the end? However, I really like how you ask "How can I be fixed?" then answer it with I'm broken, then ask another "How did it come to this?" and answer it with the same answer. That kind of repetition is powerful.

In the last line, I think you want to use the word peace instead of piece.
Unless you are comparing the idea of peace with your need to put back together the pieces, since this poem is called Shattered after all.

In fact, it would be interesting to play with those two words in this poem:

Will somebody help me pick up the pieces
and find peace from this hell?

or

Will somebody piece me back together
So I can find peace from this hell?


Just a thought!
Keep writing and if anyone ever feels this way, don't be afraid to message me! <3