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by Dawnpath1

How many times
Does the Earth go 'round
Before my head
Drops to the ground?

How many feet
Are in my soul,
Dedicated to
The sorrows I think I've endured?

As a guy,
Do I hold grudges so well,
When other 'men' barely hear a warning bell?

Maybe some day
I'll find my answers,
To how I became so different.

Right now, though,
I think my fate is better
Than popularity's maker.

Better than the begger,
Living off the streets
For which I am thankful.

When people ask me
How I veiw myself,
I tell them I'm just fine.

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22 Reviews

Points: 834
Reviews: 22

Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:37 am
IwillNOTbow2741 wrote a review...

This is... diffrent from what I'm used too. But of course most the poems I've read are either children's poems or deep dark poems.
Anyway, this is an OK poem even for a poem in this style of poetry. It could be better but if you ask me I'll turn it into a dark poem haha. (If you couldn't tell already I'm not good with reviews). As a reader, I didn't really 'feel' the emotion in this poem it started to come but it never really got to me. But I'm sure you are a great writer by looking at the reviews from others about this poem.
Keep up the good work!

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279 Reviews

Points: 40
Reviews: 279

Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:01 pm
MasterGrieves wrote a review...

I find this poem a bit average. I mean, that's only compared to your others. But still I think some improvements need to be made. Like, for example, in your last stanza you have a typo error. I don't remember any of your poems having such an error. Also, I don't really like your rhyming schemes. Soul and endured, for example, don't sound great paired together as a rhyme. Your first stanza is a bit generic; it's a cliched line that was been overused too many times to count. Why must other men hear a warning bell? Why do two stanzas have three lines? I am quite confused, and I am unsure of your decisions. You must make it clearer to the reader why you are doing these changes. At the moment, I see it only as a skeleton without any meat.


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46 Reviews

Points: 1049
Reviews: 46

Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:20 pm
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Silverdragon150 wrote a review...

Well, this certainly has a bit different flavor than some of your other poems, Dawneh. But I must say, that makes it no less interesting. It's a wondering poem, with questions and an answer. Your phrasing in your stanzas is good, you make it fluent and clear. You ahve a very simple ending that sums it up well, and your beginning is something that makes the reader want to keep reading. Though it's a bit different, it's about yourself, and you can tell you've put a lot of thought into it. Good work! Keep writing!

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74 Reviews

Points: 1834
Reviews: 74

Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:17 pm
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snowberry23 says...

Well, let me just say this is a very uplifting poem! With all the bullying and torment that occurs in the younger generations, it’s always reassuring to read something about staying true to yourself and liking who you are, no matter what.
Although, I am going to put the meaning behind this poem to the side for a moment and focus simply on the read of this piece. I love your lines, frankly, I think they say a lot without throwing around huge words or writing the next great American novel in one verse.

How many feet
Are in my soul,
Dedicated to
The sorrows I think I've endured?
- This is my favorite part of your poem I just dont think it flows very need to rhyme the second and fourth lines, I’m sorry but you do.

Other than that great job!!!!!
Keep writing :) and see you in NeverLand

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693 Reviews

Points: 5383
Reviews: 693

Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:33 pm
Audy wrote a review...


Love the concept to this poem, I thought it was well conceived. I got the sense of a young man contemplating his place in the world, which for all intents and purposes, is a subject-matter we can all relate to.

I love the idea behind the beginning stanza actually, I just get this sense of the world spinning around you and the overwhelming emotion of it. And then the last stanza, I think you did a great job on concluding it. So those were my favorites.

Poetically, the poem could use a little work as far as flow/meter are concerned. There are a few places where you can read it aloud and it sounds a bit stiff, probably because of the rhyme scheme you tried to force. Some of the phrases read awkwardly for example, the second stanza, "dedicated to the sorrows I think I've endured? It sounds like you're just throwing words together.

I did think it was interesting because I've never heard that turn of phrase before, "how many feet are in my soul?" It certainly got me thinking on possible interpretations. How far has the soul traveled, was what I got. Though, I'm left questioning whether or not this was your intended meaning, or whether something is being confused.

The third stanza, reads a bit awkwardly as well, though for different reasons. "Why/ as a guy / do I hold grudges so well / when other men barely hear a warning bell?" Your line breaks seem random and again, forced and chopped to aid some sort of rhyme scheme that is only at certain times present. Line breaks aren't just randomly placed, every bit of a poem is intentional down to the last comma and exclamation mark. When you break a line, the last word of the line is always emphasized. So one really easy activity you can do in all your poems is to skim and glance at your last words on each line. Do they mean anything? You've got "to", "though," "so" "why" "well" "times"
In other words, a lot of random words. I am curious on how you made your decision to break these lines.

Other then these few tips, I bid my hat to you. Despite all of that, it was an engaging poem all the same. After all, it's all a learning process ^_^ Keep writing! And if I may offer further advice, read more poetry! :D You'd be surprised how much you can pick up on line breaks and flow just by expanding your reading shelves!

Hope this helps, let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery