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The Very Evil Sisterhood

by DauntlessDagger


Valentine Amity wasn't surprised when she got the news, but it didn't matter. She swore and cried anyways. It was her mother, after all. Her mother who had taken her in, who had taught her how to shoot a gun and steal a car, who had shown her the world and then some, who had cooked her cookies on her birthday because she knew she hated cake.

She was fourteen at the time. Her other sister, Cassia, cried too. In fact, Cassia cried so much the next few months that Val gave up the entire mourning thing altogether. One of them had to hold things together. And that was clearly not going to be twelve-year-old Cassia.

But that was to be excepted, as Val was, after all, the oldest of the five sisters.

They sat down on the long couch as the policemen and women came in and out of the house, drinking coffee which the children weren't allowed to have, and donuts which they were allowed to have but didn't want.

First, there was Val, who had soft brown skin and hard brown eyes, and dark hair done up in plaits down her shoulder. Then Cassia, with almost white hair and skin, eyes such a pale blue that she seemed almost blind, and tiny, fragile frame. Then Desdemona, eleven, her black eyes liquid with tears, in a pink dress, her sable hair in cornrows. Mallory was only eight and looked almost too confused to cry, her hair it's usually wild, curly black, her pale skin speckled with freckles. Last of all Daphne, who was five and didn't understand what was going on. She was small, with long black hair that covered most of her face, slanted eyes the color of ink, light brown skin.

They sat in a row, in order of age. Now and then someone would give condolences, and other times they would offer sweets, which were better.

Their mother, Candace Amity, a renowned jewel thief, and cat burglar, had been found dead last night, October 4th, 2009. She had three bullets in her, one in the chest, two in the head. She was found in an alleyway with stolen diamonds around her neck and stolen sapphires around her wrist. She must have been shot during an argument on how to split the rest of the jewelry she had stolen, and the killer had fled the scene after doing the deed.

She would be buried in a paper's grave in a week, and the morning after the funeral her five children would be placed in their first foster home.


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15 Reviews


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Reviews: 15

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Sun Apr 05, 2020 9:36 pm
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Vita wrote a review...



This chapter is short but sweet! I really like the way each girl is described, they all feel like unique characters and I can't wait to get to know them better. You have a few small errors, such as "paper's" instead of "paupers" at the end. I would also suggest changing "cooked her cookies" to "baked her cookies". Cooked isn't grammatically incorrect, but most people would say "baked" for cookies, and "cooked her cookies" just sounds a bit strange.
I love the idea of a badass jewel thief who is also a loving mother. From the fact that it said "took her in", I'm guessing that her children are also orphans she adopted. Even though Candace is dead, I hope we get more information about this character and what led her to do the things she did, both good and bad. How did she end up stealing? Did she have a secret reason other than greed?
You've done a really good job building suspense while at the same time making us feel attached to the characters. I can't wait to read more!




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Sun Mar 29, 2020 3:32 pm
dahlia58 wrote a review...



This chapter was pretty short, so there's not much to criticize. The narrative is very well-organized and clear, and the physical descriptions you gave of the sisters were helpful. They helped me visualize the characters in my head. "First" foster home...In other words, they get kicked out of a series of foster homes, correct? I don't see any grammatical or spelling errors, so good job.^^




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Sun Mar 29, 2020 3:05 pm
Tanishka says...



Amazing work .




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Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:51 pm
Lia5Giba wrote a review...



Hello! Oh, I like this story! The intrigue! These five children certainly didn't have a normal upbringing, did they? And now you're going to exploit that. This is a perfect way to start off a story, in my opinion. The exposition is done well. And I like how the rest of the story is being set up here. Their first foster home, eh? Then there must be other foster homes. And ways that they get kicked out of their current foster home, nefarious or otherwise. Certainly a door open.

Good way of introducing the characters, too. I relate to them a bit already, especially Val, because you told her side of it more.

You do have a few punctuation errors in this story, though.

Mallory was only eight and looked almost too confused to cry, her hair [bold]it's[/bold] usually wild, curly black, her pale skin speckled with freckles.

"It's" and "its" are very easily mistaken. But "it's" is actually a contraction for "it is." In this sentence, therefore, "it is" would not make sense. So replace "it's" with "its."
But that was to be [bold]excepted[/bold], as Val was, after all, the oldest of the five sisters.

Not "excepted." I think you're looking for the word "accepted."
She would be buried in a [bold]paper's[/bold] grave in a week, and the morning after the funeral her five children would be placed in their first foster home.

I think you might be looking for the word "pauper" instead of "paper"? I might be mistaken, though. Maybe Candace was put in a paper grave. But if you're looking for the word basically meaning "poor person," that would be a pauper.
Her other sister, Cassia, cried too.

Small suggestion here. Instead of "other sister," maybe just use "sister." If you say "other sister," it almost sounds like she's the only sibling she has with her. Maybe that's just me. Honestly, I don't think you have to erase it if you don't want to. If you do, though, erase the commas in this sentence as well.

And that's all I can see! Although I've never been super sure about grammar and such, as I'm not a professional writer. However, as far as I can see, this is an interesting start to a story. I'm excited to see what else you write!





“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu