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Young Writers Society


12+

Children of the Phoenix

by DauntlessDagger


Tantia

To my precious daughter,

This Diary has been in our noble family for seventeen generations. It is given to eldest daughter on their sixteenth birthday so that she may confide her deepest secrets in it. My mother gave it to my eldest sister when she reached sixteen, and now I give it to you, for she can not.

Now I must tell a secret I have kept from you for fifteen years. Too long, but I had no choice. For if you knew who you really were, then I feared that you would meet nothing but fear and hate.

But times are changing, greatest treasure. The Dark Lord is rising again. It is time for you to know the truth: I am not your real mother. I am your aunt.

Your true mother is my oldest sister, Bellatrix Lestrange. She was a powerful and noble witch and the Dark Lord's loyalist follower. When he seemly died she, along with your father and uncle, refused to believe him dead. Along with a friend, they searched for him, but in vain, and all four were thrown in Azkaban for their loyalty.

This was her Diary. Now it is your's.

Love, your adopted mother,

Narcissa Malfoy

Capria

1995, August 12th

Mum said that it's time I start a diary. Dora said she never started a diary. Thank you, Dora. You don't have to be so smug.

It's not that I'm against starting a diary. It's just that I have a lot of other things to do. Like, for instance, homework. Or at least that's what I told Mum. She didn't believe me--well, she's not stupid. She's wondering exactly who I am writing to at every given moment. And she's not the only one either.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Dora asked curiously.

"No, I don't," I grumble. "Do you?"

"I don't think so," Dora says, taking a sip of her coffee. But I saw the tips of her hair turn pink.

Something I should tell you about my sister. She's a Metamorphamagus (Or something like that. The stupid word is so hard to spell), and can change her appearance at will. She's also an Auror and the best big sister in the world. Normally, that is.

But I've been thinking, this diary might not be so useless after all. For one thing, it is awfully neat. Dora took me to Diagon alley on her broomstick, something I'm pretty sure she's not supposed to do, to buy it along with my school things. It's pretty cool, actually. It changes colors with my mood and will bite the nose of anyone who won't give the password (Streeler)

Speaking of Streelers, Dora's given me one. It must of cost a ton so it was really nice of her. She buys me an animal every year at Diagon alley before I go off to Hogwarts. So far I have a cockroach, a python, a black cat and a toad. But a Streeler is the first magical creature I've had. It looks like a giant snail with spikes and changes color every hour. Both the spikes and the slime trail it leaves are extremely poisonous.

"Thanks a million, Dora." I grinned, licking my chocolate ice cream and watching the Streeler ooze. "I'll call him Squishling."

She laughed. "Do you try to give your pets the silliest names?" She glanced at her watch and sighed. "Oh, hurry up Capria, I've got to go soon."

Other than being an Auror, Dora is also a member of the Order. I'm still mad, by the way, that Dumbledore hasn't let me join. Stay in school, he says. Don't worry about the fact the Most-Evil-And-Powerful-Wizard-Of-All-Time has come back from the dead and is going to try to kill your entire family. Don't worry that everyone who's important is a complete idiot and refuses to believe anything is wrong. Don't worry about the fact that a boy got killed last year and or that Harry Potter just happens to be in your school. Just do your homework and be a good girl.

Well, guess what? I'm a Slytherin, not a good girl. I break rules. And I just broke a rule. I created a secret society for all the kids who are tired of being good and want to FIGHT.

It's called the Children of the Phoenix, and it's basically a junior version of the Order. All the kids in Hogwarts that believe in Dumbledore and Potter, and want to fight He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named have joined.

So far I have got nineteen Hufflepuffs, sixteen Gryffindors, thirteen Ravenclaws and nine Slytherin. Not to mention the students at Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, and the kids that are homeschooled. All in all, I have 64 members. Can you believe it?

Still less than you would think though, mainly because the Ministry of magic keeps on insisting that Harry's a nutter and that He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named is comfortably dead. Yeah right.

And of course, Dumbledore doesn't know any of this even though it's practically named after him. He might disapprove. Too bad for him.

Mum would definitely disapprove. She isn't even all that thrilled with Dora in the Order. She thinks it's right, but she's awful worried, even though she tries not to show it. Father and Dora might understand, but I'de prefer to keep it secret.

Even though I thought of the idea, I don't lead it. I chose different leaders for each house, and I'm the leader of mine. Hermione's Gryffindors because she's smart, Ernie Maximilien is Hufflepuff's, and Cho Chang is Ravenclaw's. Right now we aren't doing much but I hope things will get better at school

Have to go. Mum will hex me if I don't clean my room.


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User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 8

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Mon Oct 22, 2018 2:52 pm
DefianceDagger wrote a review...



This is a very interesting idea and a promising start to a uniquely fun fanfic, so first I would first go into what is great!

Capria Tonks: It's awesome that she's a Slytherin but she's not a bloodthirsty, junior Death Eater. And that she's Tonks's sister! I hope you'll include future scenes of her just having a "normal life" B/C so much of the Harry Potter series is spent running around, I would love to see an ordinary witch's life. I like how you wrote her--rebellious and passionate!
Tantia Malfoy: So far all I've gotten is Narcissa's writing but even that was great. Elegant, smooth and yet it seems she generally cares for Tantia. I saw another person said you shouldn't use Random Capitals, but I think They put a certain emphasis on Words that Really need it and that you should go Back to using them.

The bad: From Tantia's section to Capria's. Maybe you should put asterisks in between to make it more obvious that you're going from one perspective to another? Maybe make Narcissa's letter in italics or something?
"Something I should tell you?" A lot of diary written books do this but who is she telling? Her diary isn't alive, is it? I wrote a diary for a couple months and I NEVER wrote that because I was talking to myself.
"Have to go. " Maybe change that to "Have to stop writing?" (Same issue as above.)
Still, less than you would think though (Same issue.)

Stay in school, he says. Don't worry about the fact the Most-Evil-And-Powerful-Wizard-Of-All-Time has come back from the dead and is going to try to kill your entire family.

Put quotations marks around what Dumbledore says.

Okay, that's all. Bye! :)




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 8

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Mon Oct 22, 2018 2:51 pm
DefianceDagger says...



This is a very interesting idea and a promising start to a uniquely fun fanfic, so first I would first go into what is great!

Capria Tonks: It's awesome that she's a Slytherin but she's not a bloodthirsty, junior Death Eater. And that she's Tonks's sister! I hope you'll include future scenes of her just having a "normal life" B/C so much of the Harry Potter series is spent running around, I would love to see an ordinary witch's life. I like how you wrote her--rebellious and passionate!
Tantia Malfoy: So far all I've gotten is Narcissa's writing but even that was great. Elegant, smooth and yet it seems she generally cares for Tantia. I saw another person said you shouldn't use Random Capitals, but I think They put a certain emphasis on Words that Really need it and that you should go Back to using them.

The bad: From Tantia's section to Capria's. Maybe you should put asterisks in between to make it more obvious that you're going from one perspective to another? Maybe make Narcissa's letter in italics or something?
"Something I should tell you?" A lot of diary written books do this but who is she telling? Her diary isn't alive, is it? I wrote a diary for a couple months and I NEVER wrote that because I was talking to myself.
"Have to go. " Maybe change that to "Have to stop writing?" (Same issue as above.)
Still, less than you would think though (Same issue.)

Stay in school, he says. Don't worry about the fact the Most-Evil-And-Powerful-Wizard-Of-All-Time has come back from the dead and is going to try to kill your entire family.

Put quotations marks around what Dumbledore says.

Okay, that's all. Bye! :)




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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Wed Dec 06, 2017 6:23 pm
DeathBecomesHer wrote a review...



Greetings and salutations!

I love love love this idea. I would love to see you introduce more main characters and more storyline cause I think this is off to a great start! (mostly I suggest more draco, that will attract more readers). Secret daughter of Bellatrix is always a mystery all true HP are willing to dive into. I'm curious to see what happens and I urge you to write more!




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:26 am
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GreenTea wrote a review...



Greenteas and salutations my dear friend! 
My name is GreenTea and I'm here to review! I hope none of the constructive criticism will be taken negatively and the positive comments will help inspire you to continue. Let's get into the review!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Harry Potter series and I really like this kind of storytelling with the series. I like the first person perspective and the explanations behind everything. I like how you're taking a different perspective (instead of involving the protagonist of the original series straight away) and you instead focused on Narcissa and Dora (I'm assuming you're talking about Nymphadora Tonks?). There are however a few things I would take a look at. For example, you seem to be telling a story rather than showing what's happening.

Let's get to comments!
1) "This Diary has been in our noble family for Seventeen generations. It is given to eldest Daughter on their sixteenth birthday so that she may confide her deepest secrets in it."
Why are there so many seemingly random capitals? I don't understand it...

2) "She's wondering exactly who I am writing to at every given moment.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Dora asked curiously."
This was a REALLY fast change in topic. Maybe segway into it a bit more smoothly??

3)" She thinks it's right, of course, but she's awful worried, even though she tries not to show it. Father might understand, and Dora definitly would, but I'de prefer to keep it secret."
You are really comma happy here. Ease up a bit buddy, we don't need the narrator passing out in this sentence. Also, a little bit of a spelling mistake with "definitely".

4) "Right now we aren't doing much, just practicing spells and spying, but I hope things will get better at school"
Again, \ a bit comma happy. Just tone it down a bit.

Well, that’s all I have for now! Hope I gave you a quali-tea review!
再見
Zàijiàn!
~GreenTea






Wow, thanks so much! That was a really helpful review. I will try to fix the things you said.



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Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:21 am
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Ark!

Ellie here to give you a review. Just a quick comment before the review proper. Phoniex should be spelled Phoenix. Easy fix! I'm a big Harry Potter fan, but it's been a while since I've sat down to re ad any of the books, so I'll review the best I can but I may not be super clear on all the details.

Before you post, it's always a good habit to get into to proofread. I noticed quite a few spelling and grammatical errors throughout the piece as well as some improper capitalization. What I always try to do with my writing is read it out loud - that usually helps me catch a lot!

This Diary has been in our noble family for Seventeen generations. It is given to eldest Daughter on their sixteenth birthday so that she may confide her deepest secrets in it.


Words that aren't the beginning of sentences shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the name of a person or a place, so Diary = diary. Seventeen = seventeen. Daughter = daughter. Easy fixes!

Diagon ally


Diagon Alley!

So far I have got 19 Hufflepuffs, 16 Gryffindors, 13 Ravenclaws and 9 Slytherin.


A good habit to get into is to spell out numbers if they would be less than two words or less (ex. 100 = one hundred) and only write the numbers if it's three words or more. (ex. one hundred and three = 103). It's just something that helps your prose seem cleaner and more professional!

Overall, it's a good start, and I'm curious to see where it goes. I'm a little confused as to when in the Harry Potter timeline it's supposed to take place. Right around the events of the third or fourth book I think, right? I like that you made her a Slytherin.

Good work! Let me know if you have any questions.






Thanks for your review! The story takes place right after the fourth book.




If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer